Trying to keep the peace

[viv212]

I'll try and make this short.

My bf's bm has decided a couple weeks ago that all of a sudden their girls (3 of them) are moving with them.  He hated the fact that he felt he had no rights and that his bm can just come and make changes as if he didn't have a say so.

They both filed for custody at the same time, her for sole and him for joint.  He got a lawyer and so everyone is writing him letters on his behalf, including her sister and a mutual friend of theirs.

I wrote him a letter and I tried to be objective.  The girls need their mom as much as they need him.  I'm just so worried that in writing a letter for him, it will cause more "bad blood" between me and her.  He says she doesn't like me anyway and that he has tons of letters, mine won't really make a difference.  If I don't write him a letter, it's like I'm not supportive.   

I won't write anything bad about her but if I was being honest, I would write how at least once a week she wouldn't see her kids for those 4 hours she was supposed to have them.  I don't know if I should have him turn in my letter so that my name might be brought up in court.

What would you ladies do?

[chinosruca]

Write it. Give it to him & let him decide if he wants to submit it. Otherwise, do not interfere. If you were married, it would be a little different.

[viv212]

He would submit it. He would only not submit it if I asked him not to. No we are not married but we are in a serious relationship and I do live with him so I do see what goes on. All my letter is to prove that his girls did live with him until she called one day to change all that.

Quoting chinosruca:

Write it. Give it to him & let him decide if he wants to submit it. Otherwise, do not interfere. If you were married, it would be a little different.

[maimutsa]

Its hard. But I think its up to your BF to submit the letter or not to. I had issues like that with my husband when he and his son`s mother were fighting for the boy. We all decided that it is for the best for me to keep out of their drama. I don`t interfere coz it just doesn`t seem fair for an outsider to involve themselves in the custody battles of the kids. BTW my relationship with the bm is okay, we are not bosom buddies, but we can be civil towards each other. I know your BF might not see it that way but it is important to not make this woman your enemy, for your own sake as well as for the girls.

[GLO682]

Truth is your letter won't make a difference. He said it himself. If you aren't comfortable writing it, don't.

[loreleismama]

I would write it. In the end you will know you have known that you did all you could to help keep his kids in his life. I think its more important that you support him than worry about her. He isn't trying to take her kids away, he is trying not to lose them. In the long run, its whats best for the kids.

[viv212]

This makes sense to me. My bf and I think either the courts will be fair and he would have his kids 50% of the time, or they're going to screw him over and he won't get that many rights. The latter is unlikely but we still are worried about it. If I can prevent that, I will.

Quoting loreleismama:

I would write it. In the end you will know you have known that you did all you could to help keep his kids in his life. I think its more important that you support him than worry about her. He isn't trying to take her kids away, he is trying not to lose them. In the long run, its whats best for the kids.

[viv212]

If you ladies were the bm mom though, and your bd's gf is writing a letter on his behalf, how would you see that girl from that point on though?

[GLO682]

 chances are bm doesnt like you anyhow. thats just the norm nowadays it seems. why concern yourself with how she would feel, do what feels right to you. you owe her nothing.

Quoting viv212:

If you ladies were the bm mom though, and your bd's gf is writing a letter on his behalf, how would you see that girl from that point on though?

 

[conniejo75]

In my state a letter won't make any difference at all. We go to mediation and the only recommendation that judge looks at is the mediator. Letters are subjective. If it goes to a full blown trial the only thing that counts is testimony not a letter that can't be cross examine d

[MrsJaiClark]

I think I am missing something here...shouldn't your loyalty be to him and not her? Who cares if you upset her?