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Too rough or overreacting?

Posted by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:54 AM
  • 16 Replies
Last night, my SO got up for my DS (16wks) diaper change. DS was being a bit fidgety, and SO was getting aggravated. I came In the room to give DS his paci, and saw SO pick my little one up by his legs, so his bottom was off of the changing table but his shoulders were still down, and push him back down and hold his legs while saying, "stop MOVING!" This upset me, and I told him that. His response was that he parents differently than I do. I took a couple of deep breaths so that I could phrase what I was about to say correctly and without malice. I said, "That may be so, but I don't have to like or agree with it." I followed that up with, "What you did was for YOUR benefit, not his. You were venting your anger." DS isn't even old enough to comprehend disciplining of that nature, and even when he is, I don't agree with spanking a child in anger. Take a time out, cool down, then choose an appropriate method of discipline. Again, let me stress that my son is far too young for disciplining. I am asking for advice on whether I was overreacting to my SO's actions or not. Thank you!
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by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:54 AM
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Replies (1-10):
chinosruca
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:58 AM
Did he spank the child? Anyone who spanks a 16 week old is a child abuser and should be reported to the authorities. Yelling at him to stop moving isn't going to win him father of the year, but even I have yelled when I am overly tired.
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NewMom333
by New Member on Oct. 6, 2012 at 2:30 AM
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No definitely not over reacting. If anything you didn't get mad enough!! I would've been furious!!
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TinkFL
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 3:45 AM
NewMom333, oh I was furious all right. I just didn't want to escalate the situation by beginning to yell myself. I've learned over the years that keeping a cool outward appearance - even if you're red-hot inside - goes a long way to diffusing an already difficult situation. My father was abusive while I was growing up, and I was in a relationship when I was in my early 20s that was abusive for 4 years before I escaped that madness. SO has never laid a hand on me in the 8+ years we've been together and knows that if he were to even slap me I'd be gone. But that was before our son was born, and I would move heaven and earth to protect that child. That includes not exposing him to his parents arguing, even at this age. He may not understand the words, but he knows negative emotions.

Chinosruca, he did not pull his hand back and slap or hit him, no; but, I described his physical actions in the OP. My line of thinking is that slapping and hitting are not the only forms of physical abuse, and that this could potenially be the start of worse things to come if I do nothing.
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ShaunnaMichelle
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 4:02 AM
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Coming from a mommy, I would say that, since you did not yell and you expressed your feelings and thoughts on the manner calmly, you were not overreacting. As for whether your SO was being too rough, well I didn't see. However, based on your description I would say that, while he definitely sounded frustrated, I don't believe he meant to cause harm. I asked my husband  his thoughts and he said that he got frustrated many times changing the boys as they tend to kick a lot and then you cannot clean them well, etc. He also said that there's this skit on television where some guy is holding the baby and asking how something so small could be so strong....it's funny, but it's also quite true. My husband has done the same thing and I can tell you that 1) when you are coming from a place of history of abuse you tend to react accordingly and 2) my husband never has abused my children. They are 12 and 9. 

I would wait until there is a moment where the baby isn't requiring direct care (during a nap) and have a heart felt conversation with your SO. You can explain to him how you explained it here, including about your father being abusive, etc. So if he puts those things together, he will understand where you are coming from. Then, just ask him to be aware of his emotions and actions and to always feel free to ask you to handle it if he feels frustrated. Dads DO parent differently and sometimes a little more rough than moms. I think that communication goes a long way to makeing both mom and dad feel better about their respective parenting. You are going to have differences though. It sounds like he's been good to you and hasn't been abusive to you, so I wouldn't feel that there would be cause to immediately assume he'll cause harm to the baby. I hope I'm making sense here. 

TinkFL
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 4:47 AM
Thank you, Shauna. Your words made a lot of sense to me. I truly appreciate it!
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KylesMom409
by Linnette on Oct. 6, 2012 at 7:11 AM
Well said.

Quoting ShaunnaMichelle:

Coming from a mommy, I would say that, since you did not yell and you expressed your feelings and thoughts on the manner calmly, you were not overreacting. As for whether your SO was being too rough, well I didn't see. However, based on your description I would say that, while he definitely sounded frustrated, I don't believe he meant to cause harm. I asked my husband  his thoughts and he said that he got frustrated many times changing the boys as they tend to kick a lot and then you cannot clean them well, etc. He also said that there's this skit on television where some guy is holding the baby and asking how something so small could be so strong....it's funny, but it's also quite true. My husband has done the same thing and I can tell you that 1) when you are coming from a place of history of abuse you tend to react accordingly and 2) my husband never has abused my children. They are 12 and 9. 

I would wait until there is a moment where the baby isn't requiring direct care (during a nap) and have a heart felt conversation with your SO. You can explain to him how you explained it here, including about your father being abusive, etc. So if he puts those things together, he will understand where you are coming from. Then, just ask him to be aware of his emotions and actions and to always feel free to ask you to handle it if he feels frustrated. Dads DO parent differently and sometimes a little more rough than moms. I think that communication goes a long way to makeing both mom and dad feel better about their respective parenting. You are going to have differences though. It sounds like he's been good to you and hasn't been abusive to you, so I wouldn't feel that there would be cause to immediately assume he'll cause harm to the baby. I hope I'm making sense here. 

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jakesmom323
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 7:19 AM
Oh I would of said things with "malice"! Lol. Momma bear comes out big time!
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TinkFL
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 8:31 AM
In this particular case, Mama Bear was protecting her cub by MINIMIZING the fighting ;)
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ambercates
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 10:12 AM
Oh no girl, you aren't over reacting! I would have went of on that asshole for being mean to a 4 month old! I have a 7 month old, and my hubby Better not be mean to my baby!
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merryvoice
by Bronze Member on Oct. 6, 2012 at 10:05 PM

I do not believe you were overreacting. I would be VERY upset by that! 

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