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Vent/request for help/pity party

Posted by on Oct. 29, 2012 at 8:09 AM
  • 12 Replies
I'm feeling so taken advantage of. My DH- he can be such a dick sometimes. He choses to stay up too late & gets tired & grumpy at the world. Lately unless he's feeling amorous he doesn't even hardly look at me. Now, if he's in the mood it's a different story altogether. Never mind if I'm in the mood and he's not, which sadly is more often than not lately. Last night I was feeling ill & he didn't offer to bring me water or meds. He didn't even bother to look in on me. When he's sick I do everything to help him get better. When I'm sick you'd think I was the red headed step child. Instead of offering help with the baby at night he whines & says rude things.
I'm starting to feel like I'm his maid and his cook and his nanny and every once in a while his sex partner. The kids are up at 6 or 6:30 everyday. He NEVER EVER gets up with them. I can't remember the last time he got up & let me sleep in.
I love him. We've been through a lot together. He's a good daddy, and when he puts in an ounce of effort he's a good husband. I do not know how to talk to him about this stuff. I know I'm gonna get angry & sad & jumbled up. I know he'll get defensive & instead of hearing my meaning nit-pick the details. It scares me to feel the way I do. On my own, bitter, hurt. I miss him. I miss him hugging me & making me feel wanted, appreciated, pretty. I don't know why he doesn't do that any more. I still do all that I did and more. I'm laying here typing this crying my eyes out. I feel so stupid.
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by on Oct. 29, 2012 at 8:09 AM
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Replies (1-10):
HeathersRich
by Silver Member on Oct. 29, 2012 at 8:14 AM
I'm sorry momma. Hugs. Make a date night away from the kids somewhere where you can talk. Ask him what's going on. That you can tell he's unhappy and therefore so are you and you "miss" him. Good luck momma.
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Flaca43
by Gold Member on Oct. 29, 2012 at 8:33 AM
I'm sorry. I think you should try to talk to him. As the PP stated, let him know you miss him. Hopefully he will hear you and you two can fix it and feel better. Good luck.
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hollieh79
by on Oct. 29, 2012 at 8:36 AM
I am so sorry and I know how you feel. Mine is different from day to day. His job really stresses him out and sometimes I think he sees my life s so easy. I don't know. He finally started coming around after me being cold and distant to him, which was not a good place for me because it took a lot to get there and it's been hard work for me to get back.
We are actually in the process of counseling. I had to set it all up and everything. Good luck sweetie and hang in there. Prayers :)!
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mommagirl77
by on Oct. 29, 2012 at 8:46 AM
I could of wrote this myself!!! Its truly sad, I know. Hope it gets better soon! ((Hugs))
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mommieofII
by on Oct. 29, 2012 at 8:48 AM


Quoting hollieh79:

I feel this same way... My bfs job is what makes his whole attitude.. he works in a prison so he sees a lot of things and has no emotions anymore...


I am so sorry and I know how you feel. Mine is different from day to day. His job really stresses him out and sometimes I think he sees my life s so easy. I don't know. He finally started coming around after me being cold and distant to him, which was not a good place for me because it took a lot to get there and it's been hard work for me to get back.
We are actually in the process of counseling. I had to set it all up and everything. Good luck sweetie and hang in there. Prayers :)!


curlycupcake
by on Oct. 29, 2012 at 8:52 AM
Thank you all. It's really a lot like hollieh says, up & down. One week he's all over me, calling me baby & stealing kisses. The next I feel like I ghost. I think a lot of it may actually come down to sex. Crazily. I feel awful when he shuts me down. It's a serious blow to my ego. I guess I think back on him in his 20's verile & ready to go. Now he's older & his libido is slowed. I'm a woman in her early/mid thirties- hitting my sexual peak. I'm used to shutting him down. Not the other way. The other stuff is magnified by feeling hurt by the sex stuff. And by being tired. Why do my kids get up SO early? If they'd sleep till 8 or even 7 I'd be a different person. Sigh. I guess like all things this too shall pass, right?
Thanks for the advice & support ladies.
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november117
by on Oct. 29, 2012 at 8:57 AM
I feel this way sometimes too. A lot latley. Dh still hugs and kisses me though. He asked me what I want for my birthday and got mad when I said I didn't know so I text him this morning saying I want a whole day with just us, no kids, no t.v. to just enjoy each others company like we used to. He has been working 60-70 hour workweeks so I know he is tired. We haven't had sex in a week and before that it was two weeks. He said he feels badly because he doesn't have the energy which I understand but even when he is home he is on his phone or the computer. I am starting to get teary eyed tyoing this. I am lonely too mama. You aren't alone.
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clairewait
by Bronze Member on Oct. 29, 2012 at 10:02 AM

Really really sad to hear stuff like this.

This is not how a marriage should be.

I agree with everyone who has said you need to sit down and talk, but I'm going to guess that this is going to take a little mroe than one night away. I'm no relationship expert, but I'm guessing that this has been going on a little too long to blame it on "work difficulty."

I'm also going to go out a limb here and suggest that you know what you need to do (or at least have a pretty good idea) but you are second guessing if you are over-reacting, expecting too much, or not justified in how you feel. If that is the case, hear this:

  • You are beyond being taken advantage of; marriage, to me, means unconditional love. He sounds more like a roommate right now than a husband, and not a particularly good one.
  • Marriage, parenting, and FAMILY are partnerships where each person should feel like they are doing more than half of the work. Maybe he feels like working (making money) covers this, but domestic duties should not all fall on the mom. It doesn't sound like he's even meeting you half-way here. 
  • If you continue to let this go on, both of you will end up resenting one another deeply.

Your feelings are more than justified. Definitely sit down and talk to him, but also be prepared to seek outside counsel. I woulnd't want to go into that conversation feeling less-than prepared, personally.

Sending positive thoughts and lots of hope your way...

Claire Wait

My blog: TheUnderToad.com

sunflowers12
by on Oct. 29, 2012 at 10:39 AM

sadly your not alone dear, many of us go day in and out with the same complaints and problems.. mine helps here n there now, but we have also been married 22 years and we have six kids together he couldn't be bothered with them as babies... i can count on one hand how many times he changed a diaper or tied a shoe stuff like that..

i know i suffered from depression back then, but i think anyone would have... he was/does/is consumed with internet porn its totally taking away the man i thought i knew... in fact i had know clue about who he really is, but hind sight is 20/20.. and a little late to figure out what sorta man he really is..

we are not affectionate either and sex is not happening.. why because i feel so strongly against porn affecting negatively in ppls lives... plus i just think its gross so for me to go ahead with the act is like saying that's ok you lust over other ladies and come take it out on me or something (sick).. to me that's not what i believe God had in mind and if we are going to call our self spirit filled Christan's shouldn't we act like one.. the bible goes on and on about staying away from sexually based sin and my dh embraces it so to me he has a lot more problems then he really needs.. 

he will be the one that as to face God one day  for that not me.. i have asked and even gave him an ultimatum and he chose porn.. so that's fine i can still be happy and healthy and take care of my fam, and be nice to him i don't need his attentions or affection or anything really, but that took a long time to figure out too...

i am sorry you are feeling so badly because i truly remember those feelings and they are not good at all.. but if you can find away to preoccupie your self with just being busy and kinda ignore him do your own thing and act like nothing he does is effecting you.. take a step back try just taking care of the kids and the house work if you work some where and just don't let him bother you.. once you take the power away it doesn't hurt sogood luck much..

in the song by pink floyd "i have become comfortabley numb".. it sucks we have to be this way, but i look at it as more of a survival method but it does require getting a bit tough and not allowing things to affect you the way they are right now...

curlycupcake
by on Oct. 29, 2012 at 11:09 AM
You've got some very valid points, Claire. The house does fall solidly on my shoulders & about 95% of kids stuff too. In a way it has to be that way. His job is so demanding. He's working about 70 hours a week, about 4 doubles every week. He leaves with the sun & comes home with the moon. It all started slowly, but has sort of snowballed in the past weeks. I feel like maybe he forgets, that I need his affection, his help. I just wish he were easier to talk to. It's always been a fault of his. Just like a fault of mine is to avoid confrontation till I'm over the top angry or sad. I know I bitched a lot about him, and I don't take back what I said, but I do feel obligated to say that despite what's going on now he IS a good husband. We have survived things that would have destroyed most couples. Your advice is solid & I'm going to see what I can do to pull us out if this slump.
Thank you.
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