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I knew then

Posted by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 2:20 PM
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1 mom liked this

20042012

I have had to sit and listen to people tell me of their marital problems. They tell me I don't understand what they are going through because my marriage is perfect! How can I understand that their marriage is over because she is tired of her husband's socks on the floor or he wants to go hang out with his guy friends on Saturday. My answer is always pick up the socks and let him go hang out with his friends. As long as he is still making time to be with you from time to time and he helps around the house as well. And my marriage is not perfect. Let me start with there are legitimate reasons to end a relationships but some of the stuff I have heard has me laughing. 

This is my husband and my son. I have been with my husband for 10 years and have seen him age from a 20 year old man to a 30 year old man. I knew the day we met he doesn't like to clean and he looks at the vacuum cleaner like a cave man trying to figure out fire for the first time. I knew he loved wearing all black and refused to wear color. The man is more stubborn than I am and we can butt heads from time to time. He hates going to the doctor and dragging him there is like dealing with a child's fits. I even give him a lollipop when he is on his best behavior. And when he is hungry or tired he turns into Mr. Grumpy Pants. 

But I still love him. He is a great father and my best friend. Yeah we don't see eye to eye all the time. Some days I want to choke him when he decides to cook dinner and some how has to use every dish available in the house and won't do the dishes. But over the years I have learned that a good marriage will change both parties for the better. He does help me clean and I have taught him how to use a vacuum. Of course there is a bit of whining when I ask him to clean but lol it gets done. It takes less effort to get him to go to the doctor now but he also knows his health isn't something to toy with anymore with two children who love him very much. And he still wears black but that is just him. And who am I kidding? We are both stubborn and that won't change. 

I never went into this marriage trying to change him or looking at him like he was a DIY project. I have tried to change him a few times in the past and immediately regretted it because I fell in love with him and who he was so why change that? Many women meet my husband and tell me he is over weight, he is balding, he isn't manly enough, and so on. He was over weight when we met and yes he is balding but that adds to his charm of growing old together. My husband might not be one of those "manly men" who ignores his woman, runs off and drinks beers with his friends and dumps parenting on me, or punches every man in the face but he is manly enough for me. He helps me raise our son, he can fix a car, he is great with his hands, he can hold down a decent job, he has always been there when I needed someone, and I love how he can express himself around me instead of holding everything in. I would trade a man with a six pack for a guy with a keg belly any day for that reason alone. 

He hates flowers and has seasonal allergies but will still pick me flowers on a spring morning and place them on my pillow so I can wake up to their aroma. He will also take me to buy more flowers and help me fix up my gardens. He complains about my love for animals and yet he is the first person to bring them home to me so I can care for them. He has helped me rescue so many animals. And you should see him in JoAnn fabric helping me find the perfect fabric for the project I am working on. I find that when the good out weighs the bad it is worth a bit of aggravation.

What has changed with me? I am not so uptight anymore about cleanliness. I accept the fact he doesn't do certain things like the dishes but he will help me clean the litter box, the bunny house, take care of the chickens, and help me straighten up the house. He has helped me grow into a person I like rather than that mess I was before him. And he is my partner in crime. He has helped me to loosen up so much and just have fun. He has helped me to trust him and let him go hang out with the boys. Yeah he can go to the strip club because I know he is coming home to me that night. Out of the 10 years we have been together he has never given me a reason not to. Being jealous isn't being cute or showing how much I love him. Actually it annoys him. 

We are still working on his weight but his blood pressure is normal and I am trying to talk him into more tests like diabetes or thyroid issues. He has worked with me on his diet issues and did not complain when we switched from regular salt to iodized sea salt. He gave up soda and coffee with no complaints and is very active. When he has time he will go on walks with me and our son. I expect people to fight when they are married no one is suppose to get along all the time. You lived with your siblings and parents most of your life and you would fight! It happened and it is normal. When you live with someone that long you are going to get annoyed with each other and just pick at each other. Just have to make sure it isn't a habit of doing it all the time. Go out and do something fun together. Some times you need to leave the kids with the grandparents or something and get out of the house. Some times my husband and I would just go grab something to drink and hang out at a book store, comic book store, or walk around somewhere. We would hold hands every chance we would get and talk. And we always try to say something positive to each other every chance we got. 

Like I said in another post I am the wife I want to be to my husband because I am the mirror of who he is to me. I am not the kind of woman who goes, "Well the Bible says I need to be the best wife ever so my husband will be happy." Nope, I believe marriage is a give and take. When one side is taking too much is when that is a failed marriage. I watched my mother go through that and decided I couldn't do the same thing. I went through it for two years with an abusive ex and finally got the courage to leave.

My husband and I are not perfect but we do the best we can. We have had our rough spots where we didn't think our marriage was going to work but we worked hard from both sides to make it work. Don't listen to those people who tell you how to make your marriage perfect, how to make you more perfect so he likes you, and how if it isn't perfect move on. Trust me, no one is perfectly perfect, perfect. You are fine the way you are, it is okay if you are both different with conflicting personalities it helps you grow, and enjoy the fact your marriage isn't perfect. Perfection can get boring. 

by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 2:20 PM
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Replies (1-6):
TAG_ur_it
by Bronze Member on Nov. 15, 2012 at 2:34 PM

bow down

chinosruca
by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 2:43 PM
Everyone has a breaking point.......

I could not be with someone who hates to clean, is overweight or needs a lollipop after a doctors appointment. I have kids, and my husband us not one of them.

It is awesome that you are happy, but not everyone wants to work through things. It isn't about socks on the floor. It is about respect.
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mustloveanimals
by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 2:55 PM

Congratulations on having  a wonderful partnership and marriage.

I agree with this (below), AND it takes two willing parties to work out any kinks in the marriage. If only one wants it to work, or wants to work on it, the marriage must end.

Quoting chinosruca:

Everyone has a breaking point.......

I could not be with someone who hates to clean, is overweight or needs a lollipop after a doctors appointment. I have kids, and my husband us not one of them.

It is awesome that you are happy, but not everyone wants to work through things. It isn't about socks on the floor. It is about respect.


Looneyfarmmom
by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 3:14 PM

That is what I mean of give and take. If one is taking too much and no give then the marriage is done. 

As far as my husband being a big baby. Everyone is a big baby. I have seen men throw temper trantrums all the time and know that no one is perfect. Something is always going to be wrong with someone. Trust me, been there dated a lot of guys. Didn't sleep with them just dated. 

As for the socks on the floor as ridiculous as it sounds it is just about that. I am a people watcher and I have watched my friends who are couples and what they complain about. Respect takes time to learn. That is where years of working with eachother comes from. Sometimes guy don't see the socks on the floor as a respect thing then the next thing they know it... they are being served divorce papers. Communication is a huge thing in marriage. If you are not talking then nothing is going to improve. When the communication dies is when things are done. These couples refused to talk to eachother, "Well he should know better!" Um no, no he doesn't and he isn't a mind reader either. Trust me, I tried it out... my husband sucks at reading minds. My female best friend is better at it. At first my husband didn't get it that socks on the ground bothers me or I need his help cleaning. After a while we started talking more and opening up and then he started understanding of how hard it can be when you are the only one cleaning and how it makes my life easier if he helps me with the small stuff. Now he helps.

My husband is over weight but he doesn't over eat, he isn't a couch potato, and he doesn't do it on purpose. He has something wrong with his hormones like I do. That is why we are getting it checked out. He is healthy as a horse but just over weight. Comes in handy when it is cold. Out of all the three problems he has qualities that outshine that so looks are not that important to me.  And no matter what a husband or yourself will still act like a kid. So he doesn't like the doctor? I don't like them either. He just pretends to want the lollipop to be silly. Humor is what gets us through our fear. Every time I go in for a pap smear I turn into this holy religious person praying all over the place. 

Looneyfarmmom
by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 3:16 PM

What I mean of "Respect takes time to learn" is that you have two people who are set in their ways. One has learned to do things his way and you have learned to do things your way. Then we have the clash of the Titans on whose way is better. He doesn't see how his way is disrespectful and you don't either.

Looneyfarmmom
by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 3:27 PM

And you want to talk about a baby? It took me ten years to toughen up and deal with needles. I hated having my blood taken so much my husband would sit with me and hold my hand while making me laugh. Now I can do it with no problems. Sometimes both parties are still growing up and they are dealing with growing up together. 

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