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Hating yourself? *thoughts*

Posted by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 12:45 PM
  • 8 Replies

Growing up I was thrown into a cycle that was my mother's hate for herself and societies demands. You were never pretty enough, you had to make others like you, you were never good enough, your talents were so less than everyone else's, and you had things thrown at you from all angles. 

The bullies were still as bad as they are today. I don't remember having friends until high school. I did have "friends" but they were just backstabbing and mean. I just wanted to be liked and didn't care if other people put me down just to join in. I remember being called ugly, having someone dump their tray full of food on me and saying, "Oh oops, I thought that was the trash can" they laughed and walked away, coming home with bruises all the time, being told to end my life constantly, and having one guy throw me into the wall in the fifth grade and tell me that he didn't know how anyone can love someone like me I was so pitiful and pathetic. 

When I left school I came home to my Mother who fought with depression, a bad marriage, and low self esteem. She would constantly tell me I needed to improve myself and my step father would always put me down. I started hiding from the world and sticking to the woods. I would go out there and write and just live in a fantasy world in my head. I was a very talented writer and still am today. I never let people in to my world and that ended up helping me over come a lot of my depression. My only friend was my cat. As sad as that sounds she was my only friend and the only one I could talk to about the abuse and the molestations growing up (non-family, whole different topic). 

As I became older I started growing into myself and the awkward stage was done. I was still highly bullied and with low self esteem. So my Mother thought it would be a wise idea to put me in modeling. Where I was told how I needed to improve myself even more. That is when I entered high school.

Luckily at that time it was 1997 and I was introduced to strong women. Women telling me to love myself and surprisingly around that time feminism was strong. Women can do anything and be anything. Then I was introduced to my best friends who were always there for me (and yes were human). But I was still battling the depression of my upbringing. 

You start looking at ads to put on more makeup, hate your hair, hate the way your were born, hate that you are tall or short, hate, hate, hate, hate!!! Then you have to impress people. Men won't like you if you don't do it this way, teen boys won't like you if you do it that way, no one will like you unless you are this way, and all this trash. 

I fell into this horrible cycle just like my mother to hate myself more. Started dating a man who hated me for who I was too. He was an awful person who was evil but I thought that, that is what love was according to my upbringing. Two years of it I was finally done... I can give you theories of why I left or why I snapped out of it but even I don't know what came over me. In order to leave this guy I had to drop off the face of the Earth. I left for a government school and left behind almost all my stuff. The school was strict and tough but worth it. They found me mental help and helped me through issues like anorexia, depression, and learning to love myself. Then I met my husband who stood by me every step of the way. He would bring me fast food and my favorite dishes (I couldn't leave campus and we had been friends before I left. My Mother decided she really liked this guy and decided he was the only person who could know where I was) and spend time with me. Over time I asked him if he was trying to make me fat and he told me, "No, I am trying to make you healthy and if eating junk food is going to help you gain weight and win this battle with anorexia then I don't care what you eat." He held me every time I screamed and cried, I started making friends with stronger women than me, and it was a start. I didn't become confident in myself until just a year ago. It took me 10years to get out of this whole life style. I started working on myself in 2002. I think my turning point was two years ago when I was introduced to books like "The Art of Happiness" and the Four Agreements (it is just common sense).

I do weird things like have conversations with myself in the mirror. I would tell myself that I was loved, beautiful, and worthy of love and happiness. I allowed myself to cry and scream. And then finally the last step happened. I opened my eyes and started to see people for who they were. The one's who needed to control me and change me were just as sad and pathetic as they tried to make me feel. The men who wanted perfect women didn't know what the hell they wanted and weren't worth my time. Those ad's were just there to make money and could care less about me. They don't care if they help to destroy your ego and your self esteem because that is their job! They want to destroy you to so you feel you NEED that product. 

Now when my best friend calls me she tells me, "I look like crap today." So I tell her, "ME TOO!!! Let us go have fun looking like crap together!" I stopped caring what people thought of me and my husband loves me no matter what. His only concern is I am happy and healthy. That man has always thought I was beautiful fat, skinny, in between, with makeup, without makeup, dressed up, not dressed up, naked lol he just loves me. Someone called me ugly and I told him, "Thank goodness that is your opinion and yours alone because your opinions suck!" He didn't know what to do with me and just walked off. Once you love yourself everyone else doesn't matter. One thing I have learned is that everyone else's opinion's of you is not your business. The only thing that matters is what YOU think of yourself. Unless you make an agreement with that person then they are not right. It is only when you give that opinion power that it has power.

Also what people do to you isn't about you it is about them. People are going to be projecting on you no matter what and they want to bring you down because they feel that low about themselves. So are you going to give them that power? Or are you going to walk away laughing? Society calls people like that "Assholes and Bitches" but now that I look at them I see them as confident.

In a world full of other people's version of perfection I am starting to wonder why people have anxiety issues. We are striving to be something that is impossible. Be yourself and you are automatically perfect.  

by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 12:45 PM
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Replies (1-8):
me-n-mygirls
by Member on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:09 PM
I am glad you are in a better place ! So happy you have your hubby. he sounds like a real man.

I still struggle with loving myself. I genually hate myself and feel I am not worthy of life or love or anything. Luckily I have a husband who doesnt agree. together we are trying to work on it but I have such a hard time.

Maybe one day I will love me inside and out.......
.....or I will remove the badness from all that I love cause they dont need me like that.

I grew up being told how ugly, fat, stupid, unworthy, and how the world would be better without me. that I was never wanted. my stepfather abused me in almost everyway and everyday. my mother wasnt any better.
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Looneyfarmmom
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:24 PM

Some days I still struggle with things like making decisions with things in life because both my parents expected perfection from me. My father still reminds me of everything I ever did wrong. Like when I went to college and didn't use my degree so he told me I was bound to screw up for the rest of my life and only accumilate debt. 

It is still hard and that road is hard. My Mother has gotten help, left my step father, and got together with a great guy. She is so much better than she use to be. But her and I butt heads on things and I am trying to help her out of her issues. My Dad is always going to be like this and I don't expect him to change. I kind of let it go in one ear and out the other. 

Someone once told me to accept that I am not perfect and that I WILL make mistakes. It is apart of learning and that I need to make mistakes or I will never learn how to be more than I am now. That is not saying I wasn't fine the way I was but we learn from our mistakes. That is how we find inventions, write best selling novels, and much more. 

KylesMom409
by Linnette on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:27 PM
Hugs to you! Glad you're happy now.
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Looneyfarmmom
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:48 PM

I decided to share this because I keep posting about how I love myself and don't care what people think of me. Many people have asked me offline and online if I am perfect and lived a perfect life. I have heard everything from "Oh, that is great because you have a perfect life but the rest of us have to deal with the real world." I have dealt with the real world and I just want to help others out of the world I finally got out of. This is just a snippet of my life. I walked away from so many different forms of abuse and issues. I even had a few mental problems I had to really fight to leave. But that would be an autobiography and I don't think you guys want to be sitting here reading that for a few days lol. 

My own sister forgets the life I left to be this person today. She accused me of being Miss perfect all the time. You get help and suddenly have confidence? The world calls you dilusional. It is amazing how this world treats you once you are done with feeling low about yourself. They don't want to let you go because they want that punching bag. I removed myself from those type of people because I knew I wasn't strong enough to deny them. Once I found that strength I just laugh at them. 

Jinxed8
by Gold Member on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:53 PM

you have been through a lot and kudos to you for making it through and beating it all ! 

sunflowers12
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:56 PM
1 mom liked this

well, i agree and believe that there are far more of us that have been in the same shoes you are describing here in your post.. i to have had may fair share of issues with everything you mentioned and otheres  as well.. for me it was not a person or ppl that helped me it was my faith... 

like you having never had a lot of human friends i was happy to be by my self and really still am quite content to stay that way.. i realized that its quite possible that i may never have whats called a close friend just ppl that use me and discarded me at their own free will..

 but i have learned coping skills that will only allow this type of issues to only happen very little now.. but its taking years for me to develop my coping skills.. one things for sure if you do find a genuine true friend you should hold on to them with all your heart because ppl are rarely like that anymore... 

for the record you should keep writing you have a gift:)

Looneyfarmmom
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 2:04 PM

Some of it is my faith as well but I just talk about my faith a lot because I find it a personal choice and not for everyone else to debate over lol. 

Looneyfarmmom
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 2:47 PM

My best friend is actually six years younger than me and way beyond her years. We are exactly alike and been through the same trials when it came to exs. She is the God Mother of my son and daughter and we do everything together. So counting my sister and my husband that makes three best friends. But my sister is in San Diego and I just have my friend here and my husband. Most of the time I am alone or hanging out with my kids. I will run off to my room and read a book or write. I am social when it calls for it but most of the time I just want to be left alone. I don't mind being around others but solace is what I am use to. 

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