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I'm a stay at home mom of 3. 2 of them go to school. My hubby to be just had to tell our friend that we never go out. That I dint leave my kids. I let it go even though I felt that it wasn't the place or time to say that. So latter he takes a shower and I go in to talk to him and he makes sure to let me know that he thinks I should leave them to go out and do things with him. He knows I dont trust any one with my kids. I did at one time but since moving to ca 6 years ago I don't. Are there any body that feel the same or am I just being over protective of my kids
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by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 2:32 PM
Replies (21-30):
Quinn525
by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 11:13 PM
I rarely go out either but truthfully dh and I love being homebodies. Your so is telling you he needs time with just you. Subtle he isn't.
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MamaDearie
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 8:56 AM

I've always done exclusive breastfeeding (no pumping or bottles- and on-demand) so there were long stretches of time when hubby and I would have no time alone together. Now that the kiddos are getting older, we will occassionally leave them with my parents for a bit. We live in a very rural area and have no very close friends that we would trust with them around here. But we are basically on the same page with it all so it's not much of an issue. We know they are only little for such a short time and it's not like we can't have lots of time alone when they get older. And as to the kids suffering for all of this family togetherness- not even a bit. The oldest is quite happy in 3rd grade with plenty of friends and our 4 year old loved preschool and is the most outgoing gregarious child I've ever met.

"Of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother." (Lin Yutang)


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CorpCityGrl
by Bronze Member on Jan. 2, 2013 at 8:58 AM
2 moms liked this

Honestly, I think you are being overprotective.

You have to not only nurture your relationship with your kids and your family, but with your SO as well.  If you let your relationship with SO suffer, it will filter down to the rest of the family.  You need to find a better balance with time with your kids and alone time with your SO.  It's a leap of faith sometimes leaving them with someone, but you need to do that for you, your husband AND your kids.  It's healthy for EVERYONE. 

goldilocksbecky
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 10:09 AM

I agree that you should go out, for all the reasons that have already been mentioned.  But also for another reason that many people just don't think about.  If you deny your children the opportunity to form a loving, trusting bond with some other adults, what would happen if, Heaven forbid, something should happen to you? Or to both you and your husband?

Several years back, there was a young couple that I knew (not close, just acquaintances).  They had a beautiful baby girl.  The Mom was the kind who had to be "The One" for her daughter.  To the point that she essentially shut out her husband and the grandparents from caring for the little girl because they didn't do things the way she wanted them done (you know, "the right way").  Dad was never encouraged to do bath time or bedtime or whatever . . . It was just easier to do it herself, he made too much of a mess, he didn't sing the goodnight song correctly, she'll just cry anyway because she wants me to do it, etc.  The grandparents were never allowed to babysit because they might giver her non-organic bananas or read her 2 bedtime stories instead of 3 or give her wole milk instead of 2% or let her drink from a water bottle that's not BPA free or she'll only go to bed for me (Mom).

Obviously the more the Dad and grandparents were shut out from caring for the little girl, the more emotionally dependent she became on the Mom.  (I think a lot of Mom's create this kind of dynamic because being "The One", the most important, the prefered, the fixer, the hero, the savior, the only one who can do things "right" . . . fills a need for THEM and makes THEM feel special and important).  Pretty soon the little girl only wanted Mom to do anything for her . . . brush her teeth, dress her, do bath time and bedtime.  The Mom was th only one she want for her day to day care.

When the little girl was not quite 18 months, she was in the car with her Mom.  They were crossing an intersection and got T-boned on the front driver's side.  The little girl was fine.  The Mom didn't make it.  I sat in that funeral home watching this little girl who had not only lost her Mom, but was left with a Dad and grandparents that she had never really been allowed to bond with.  The one and only person who could soothe her was one.  The only person she wanted to hold her or brush her teeth or bathe her or dress her was gone.  I couldn't help but think how much harder this was going to be on her because she didn't have a close, comfortable bond with her Dad or grandparents.

Now, I'm sure you'll say that your children have a very safe, loving bond with your husband, which is good.  But that's not enough.  I know another family that I knew when I was younger.  The Mom and Dad had two boys, around 4 and 7 at the time.  They had recently moved several hours away from all of their family.  The Mom and Dad were both killed in a car accident.  Now, in this case they did at lease have family that they were fairly close with back in their old town.  But those family members were hours away, so in those first excruciating hours, they didn't have anyone but strangers.  At least for them, there were other "special, safe, loved" people on the way. 

My point is that something could happen to you.  Or to BOTH of you.  Please, please make sure there are other adults in your children's lives that they could trust and feel safe and comfortable with.  Other adults that they know and have a loving bond with.  No one will ever take you place.  It's OK that you (the parents) should be the most important ones or the preferred ones or the ones who can do things the best.  Just please don't put your children in a position where you are the ONLY ones.  And to that end, you need to step back and let other people be in a position to care for them on occasion and build a a safe, nurturing bond.  Your kids need to know that it's OK for Aunt Suzy or Grandma or Mom's friend Jane or whoever to take care of them.  That they may do some little things differently, but that these people love them and will take care of them.  They need to have other "special" people in their lives, other people that they are comfortable with.  Not just the two of you.

Good luck and best wishes. :)


Bethsunshine
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 10:11 AM


Quoting sthflachk:

I know that if you don't spend time with your SO when he is asking you to it could cause big problems. Find a sitter and go out and remember what its like to have a life outside of your home.


This. My husband and I have a date night at least once a month. It's not healthy for anyone to put your marriage relationship on a shelf in the name of devoting every minute of your time to your children.

Jinxed8
by Gold Member on Jan. 2, 2013 at 10:28 AM
1 mom liked this

 Exactly - he's sending you the message loud and clear - grasp it !  Make it a point even if it's once a month to have a date night with him ... he is pleading for his wife !

 Hell, I put DD into gym class every Monday just so DH and I can have date night - while she's at gym we go and eat at the restaurant next door.

Quoting chinosruca:

If you don't put effort into your marriage then don't be suprised if your husbands puts effort into someone else. Find someone, get references if you must. Obviously your husband wants a wife, not just a mother to his kids.


Dekotasmama
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 1:56 PM
That is so sad for that to happen....I would never want my kids to have to be put in the situation..... I am not that bad dad does do things for them and take care of our kids.Bit I am the only one that puts our little girl to bed as for the older ones.he does. Our kids do know that there are other people that care and love them bit those are people that just sit down and watch tv and just let them eat and drank whatever they want just let them help them selfs. As for the grandparents they are to old to take all three by them sells.

Quoting goldilocksbecky:

I agree that you should go out, for all the reasons that have already been mentioned.  But also for another reason that many people just don't think about.  If you deny your children the opportunity to form a loving, trusting bond with some other adults, what would happen if, Heaven forbid, something should happen to you? Or to both you and your husband?

Several years back, there was a young couple that I knew (not close, just acquaintances).  They had a beautiful baby girl.  The Mom was the kind who had to be "The One" for her daughter.  To the point that she essentially shut out her husband and the grandparents from caring for the little girl because they didn't do things the way she wanted them done (you know, "the right way").  Dad was never encouraged to do bath time or bedtime or whatever . . . It was just easier to do it herself, he made too much of a mess, he didn't sing the goodnight song correctly, she'll just cry anyway because she wants me to do it, etc.  The grandparents were never allowed to babysit because they might giver her non-organic bananas or read her 2 bedtime stories instead of 3 or give her wole milk instead of 2% or let her drink from a water bottle that's not BPA free or she'll only go to bed for me (Mom).

Obviously the more the Dad and grandparents were shut out from caring for the little girl, the more emotionally dependent she became on the Mom.  (I think a lot of Mom's create this kind of dynamic because being "The One", the most important, the prefered, the fixer, the hero, the savior, the only one who can do things "right" . . . fills a need for THEM and makes THEM feel special and important).  Pretty soon the little girl only wanted Mom to do anything for her . . . brush her teeth, dress her, do bath time and bedtime.  The Mom was th only one she want for her day to day care.

When the little girl was not quite 18 months, she was in the car with her Mom.  They were crossing an intersection and got T-boned on the front driver's side.  The little girl was fine.  The Mom didn't make it.  I sat in that funeral home watching this little girl who had not only lost her Mom, but was left with a Dad and grandparents that she had never really been allowed to bond with.  The one and only person who could soothe her was one.  The only person she wanted to hold her or brush her teeth or bathe her or dress her was gone.  I couldn't help but think how much harder this was going to be on her because she didn't have a close, comfortable bond with her Dad or grandparents.

Now, I'm sure you'll say that your children have a very safe, loving bond with your husband, which is good.  But that's not enough.  I know another family that I knew when I was younger.  The Mom and Dad had two boys, around 4 and 7 at the time.  They had recently moved several hours away from all of their family.  The Mom and Dad were both killed in a car accident.  Now, in this case they did at lease have family that they were fairly close with back in their old town.  But those family members were hours away, so in those first excruciating hours, they didn't have anyone but strangers.  At least for them, there were other "special, safe, loved" people on the way. 

My point is that something could happen to you.  Or to BOTH of you.  Please, please make sure there are other adults in your children's lives that they could trust and feel safe and comfortable with.  Other adults that they know and have a loving bond with.  No one will ever take you place.  It's OK that you (the parents) should be the most important ones or the preferred ones or the ones who can do things the best.  Just please don't put your children in a position where you are the ONLY ones.  And to that end, you need to step back and let other people be in a position to care for them on occasion and build a a safe, nurturing bond.  Your kids need to know that it's OK for Aunt Suzy or Grandma or Mom's friend Jane or whoever to take care of them.  That they may do some little things differently, but that these people love them and will take care of them.  They need to have other "special" people in their lives, other people that they are comfortable with.  Not just the two of you.

Good luck and best wishes. :)


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JasonsMom2007
by Lisa on Jan. 2, 2013 at 2:00 PM

You need to find someone you trust and spend some time with your hubby. 

ScrChk23
by Amanda on Jan. 2, 2013 at 2:10 PM

 I semi feel the same.  We ask parents and my SIL to watch our little one so we can have time alone.  Sometimes we have both taken a day off work (requested) and send the kids to daycare/school so we can have time together.

countrymomma81
by Platinum Member on Jan. 2, 2013 at 2:11 PM

Yeah, we leave our kids all the time. They are 5 and 10 and are almost never home during holidays and weekends. Our son (the 10 year old) goes to friends and family, but our daughter only goes with family. I should mention that we all live within 20 miles of one another so it's not like she's hours away. 

We've always been free with them. Anytime they want to go or someone asks for them we've let them. Most of the time when they are gone it's because they want to go, not because we need a sitter or anything. 

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