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I'm a stay at home mom of 3. 2 of them go to school. My hubby to be just had to tell our friend that we never go out. That I dint leave my kids. I let it go even though I felt that it wasn't the place or time to say that. So latter he takes a shower and I go in to talk to him and he makes sure to let me know that he thinks I should leave them to go out and do things with him. He knows I dont trust any one with my kids. I did at one time but since moving to ca 6 years ago I don't. Are there any body that feel the same or am I just being over protective of my kids
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by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 2:32 PM
Replies (31-40):
goldilocksbecky
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 2:51 PM

My point is that it won't kill them to be with those people for a few hours here and there.  Yes their standards and expectations and parenting style may be different.  But unless there is an actual danger involved (abuse, drugs, leaving out a gun, etc), you suck it up and let them stay with Aunt Suzy or Best friend Jan or whoever for a few hours and you let them do things their way.  You realize that too many cookies and too much coke once in a while is really only going to result in a cranky kid with a tummy ache, not permenantly stunted development or instant death.  So you take a deep breath and trust them with the care of your children.  You let those emotional bonds and those levels of trust form and grow.  Because you never know when that relationship may be what your child is left with so you want that relationship to be as strong as possible.  You want there to actually be a bond and a sense of safety and a level of comfort there for your child should they ever need it.  : )

Quoting Dekotasmama:

That is so sad for that to happen....I would never want my kids to have to be put in the situation..... I am not that bad dad does do things for them and take care of our kids.Bit I am the only one that puts our little girl to bed as for the older ones.he does. Our kids do know that there are other people that care and love them bit those are people that just sit down and watch tv and just let them eat and drank whatever they want just let them help them selfs. As for the grandparents they are to old to take all three by them sells.

Quoting goldilocksbecky:

I agree that you should go out, for all the reasons that have already been mentioned.  But also for another reason that many people just don't think about.  If you deny your children the opportunity to form a loving, trusting bond with some other adults, what would happen if, Heaven forbid, something should happen to you? Or to both you and your husband?

Several years back, there was a young couple that I knew (not close, just acquaintances).  They had a beautiful baby girl.  The Mom was the kind who had to be "The One" for her daughter.  To the point that she essentially shut out her husband and the grandparents from caring for the little girl because they didn't do things the way she wanted them done (you know, "the right way").  Dad was never encouraged to do bath time or bedtime or whatever . . . It was just easier to do it herself, he made too much of a mess, he didn't sing the goodnight song correctly, she'll just cry anyway because she wants me to do it, etc.  The grandparents were never allowed to babysit because they might giver her non-organic bananas or read her 2 bedtime stories instead of 3 or give her wole milk instead of 2% or let her drink from a water bottle that's not BPA free or she'll only go to bed for me (Mom).

Obviously the more the Dad and grandparents were shut out from caring for the little girl, the more emotionally dependent she became on the Mom.  (I think a lot of Mom's create this kind of dynamic because being "The One", the most important, the prefered, the fixer, the hero, the savior, the only one who can do things "right" . . . fills a need for THEM and makes THEM feel special and important).  Pretty soon the little girl only wanted Mom to do anything for her . . . brush her teeth, dress her, do bath time and bedtime.  The Mom was th only one she want for her day to day care.

When the little girl was not quite 18 months, she was in the car with her Mom.  They were crossing an intersection and got T-boned on the front driver's side.  The little girl was fine.  The Mom didn't make it.  I sat in that funeral home watching this little girl who had not only lost her Mom, but was left with a Dad and grandparents that she had never really been allowed to bond with.  The one and only person who could soothe her was one.  The only person she wanted to hold her or brush her teeth or bathe her or dress her was gone.  I couldn't help but think how much harder this was going to be on her because she didn't have a close, comfortable bond with her Dad or grandparents.

Now, I'm sure you'll say that your children have a very safe, loving bond with your husband, which is good.  But that's not enough.  I know another family that I knew when I was younger.  The Mom and Dad had two boys, around 4 and 7 at the time.  They had recently moved several hours away from all of their family.  The Mom and Dad were both killed in a car accident.  Now, in this case they did at lease have family that they were fairly close with back in their old town.  But those family members were hours away, so in those first excruciating hours, they didn't have anyone but strangers.  At least for them, there were other "special, safe, loved" people on the way. 

My point is that something could happen to you.  Or to BOTH of you.  Please, please make sure there are other adults in your children's lives that they could trust and feel safe and comfortable with.  Other adults that they know and have a loving bond with.  No one will ever take you place.  It's OK that you (the parents) should be the most important ones or the preferred ones or the ones who can do things the best.  Just please don't put your children in a position where you are the ONLY ones.  And to that end, you need to step back and let other people be in a position to care for them on occasion and build a a safe, nurturing bond.  Your kids need to know that it's OK for Aunt Suzy or Grandma or Mom's friend Jane or whoever to take care of them.  That they may do some little things differently, but that these people love them and will take care of them.  They need to have other "special" people in their lives, other people that they are comfortable with.  Not just the two of you.

Good luck and best wishes. :)

 

 

mommieof
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 10:57 PM
Here's the thing you have to get a break and give your SO time too your relationship is very important and you need time for just you guys, I'm like you I hate leaving my kids and only do about once every 3 month and no longer then 6 hrs have never left my lil ones over night anywhere I just ding trust anyone, but that being said you need to set aside 1 night every few weeks for a date with your man or the relationship will suffer.
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Nenasam
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 11:09 PM
Yes, I do leave my kids with my awesome sitter, next door neighbour and my cousin here and there. I have a 4 years old and an 11 weeks old boys. We have a date night this Saturday for a couple hours!!
rebeccasmly
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 11:17 PM
I only trust my dad, my grandparents, my sister and now my SIL that just moved in with us. I do have friends I trust but with 6 kids, its hard to ask someone to watch them all. That said, I make time for my husband. I suggest you do too or else it could negatively affect your marriage.
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rebeccasmly
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 11:17 PM
I only trust my dad, my grandparents, my sister and now my SIL that just moved in with us. I do have friends I trust but with 6 kids, its hard to ask someone to watch them all. That said, I make time for my husband. I suggest you do too or else it could negatively affect your marriage.
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supermomz25
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 11:19 PM

find someone and get out of the house sometimes, it will be good for you, your husband and your kids.

e-doolittle
by Kelly on Jan. 2, 2013 at 11:30 PM

we rarely get out by ourselves, but that has more to with not being able to afford a sitter right now.  We ask grandmothers to help when they are in town.

SirensEko
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 12:44 AM

OMG sweetie, you need to get out! You need to be away from your kids just as much as they need that time away from you. It's hard.... every mom knows that (for all different reasons..) but it's a must! Start small, make it dinner.... then the next time a movie... then after that dinner and a movie!  etc.. You are a mom... yes.. but you're also a woman who had interests, ideas, hobbies and maybe even silly obssessions before you became a mom, you also had a totally different relationship w/your SO prior to kids.. if you want to make that work you need time alone and together to connect as partners in the fam. Momma Bear always protects her young... but she has to leave the den to feed.

EmCraig
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 1:18 AM

I'm very fortunate to have my mom as well as my son's god father here to take care of my kids for me.  But when we lived in different towns/states I didn't go anywhere without my kids.  I had some "friends" watch my son when he was younger so I could go to work, when I went to pick him up they were all in the basement smoking pot with the kids in the corner playing!  It would take a lot to gain my trust.

notjstasocermom
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 7:13 AM


Quoting sthflachk:

I know that if you don't spend time with your SO when he is asking you to it could cause big problems. Find a sitter and go out and remember what its like to have a life outside of your home.


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