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My 6 yr old hit a classmate in the face today

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I got a call from the principal today. My little girl hit another first grader in the face and I have no idea how to handle it. I have done the basics like time out and taking dessert and nothing seems to work for her. I refuse to raise a bratty kid and need some advice. She has dance class later today but I hesitate to withhold activities as punishment because I don't want to end up using this punishment on a regular basis (say with sports or clubs or something) and punishing her team because of her absence. Any suggestions or (nice) comments about withholding activities?
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by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 3:15 PM
Replies (11-20):
Hafsa1
by Member on Feb. 9, 2013 at 9:33 AM
Ds did something in school to a kid that he got in trouble for, can't remember what it was (nothing physical) but I walked him to the classroom the next morning and stayed while he apologized to the child and the teacher. He has a hard time apologizing to people, so this helped him to know he couldn't do whatever it was.

Also taking things away, like tv time, or outside time, etc.
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LuckyMom822
by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 10:34 AM

Your last sentence changes everything. Is this the first time she has gotten in trouble at school or has it been multiple times? If multiple, it's time to lay down the law. She obviously thinks she is the boss. I would ground her from everything including dance. You cannot let up on that punishment. Stay strong mom!

Quoting cheerwin:

Unfortunately she loves chores.  She likes things to be in their place, exactly how she wants them.  Her after care director and I have come up with a sticker chart for our kids (she has a twin sister and a step brother who are also acting out).  On good days they get a sticker, bad days they have one taken away and after 2 weeks if they have all of their stickers, I will take them to Build a Bear (which they have been asking for).  I think this may work.  We used a similar tactic for potty training and it worked.  All I know is I am tired of hearing from the school and have no more responses for them when they call.


Midsummerdawn
by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 10:35 AM

You have to find out why she's doing this. Talk about how she felt. Talk about her feelings and how to deal with them better. If you get alot of "I don't know"s, don't get angry and start bullying her (that's what my mom used to do, just made it worse). But you might want to think about counselling if you find she's having trouble discussing her feelings. If she has had problems with this same child before, you might want to contact the child's mother to see if you can all work the issue out together.

Of course, she should be punished. I wouldn't take away classes, that's counterproductive in the long run. When she's a teenager she needs something she's passionate about besides boys. But I if she's suspended she should for sure be grounded from screens for the duration and maybe an early bedtime. I also like the idea of a written apology to the child she hit as well as to the teacher.

You can't just do punishment and expect results, you have to teach alternative behavior too.

Lindalou907
by Bronze Member on Feb. 9, 2013 at 10:51 AM

Have her write a note of apology to the girl she hurt, and also the principal. Take away whatever her favorite thing is for at least a week. TV, toys, bike, whatever it is. Talk about how to handle her temper in the future, but don't lecture. And of course model good even-tempered behavior. I think you're right about activities, don't punish the team.

cheerwin
by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 11:49 AM
1 mom liked this

 You are right.  She does think she is the boss.  I should have been more specific.  Since I wrote this original post, I have received a few other calls from the school about her sticking her tongue out and disobedience.  She has a twin that she hit on the head with some ear muffs also since then.  Stuff that seems small that the school is trying to control now, before it gets out of control.

 We don't really watch tv and she loves reading and playing with her sister.  I refuse to take away reading and  I have tried time out which doesn't really work. This week I used the threat of no weekly grandma visit  (which worked and grandma hates).  Seems like that is my next bet.  Also, I have decided to do a mommy and me night with my twins and my fiance will spend daddy and me night with his kids since they never spend time apart and maybe need a little more individual attention.  They will get to pick the activity as long as they do not get in trouble during the week before. I think this will help.  This behavior didn't really start until we moved in with my fiance and his kids.  They are lacking individual attention...all of them.  I think this will work. 


Quoting LuckyMom822:

Your last sentence changes everything. Is this the first time she has gotten in trouble at school or has it been multiple times? If multiple, it's time to lay down the law. She obviously thinks she is the boss. I would ground her from everything including dance. You cannot let up on that punishment. Stay strong mom!

Quoting cheerwin:

Unfortunately she loves chores.  She likes things to be in their place, exactly how she wants them.  Her after care director and I have come up with a sticker chart for our kids (she has a twin sister and a step brother who are also acting out).  On good days they get a sticker, bad days they have one taken away and after 2 weeks if they have all of their stickers, I will take them to Build a Bear (which they have been asking for).  I think this may work.  We used a similar tactic for potty training and it worked.  All I know is I am tired of hearing from the school and have no more responses for them when they call.



 

Mari6443
by Gold Member on Feb. 9, 2013 at 11:55 AM
This is what I would do too. My son did the exact same thing over a week ago. I can relate. The kids have to have consequences and they have to know this is not acceptable. You got to nip this kind of behavior in the bud. That is what my DH and I are doing with our DS.


Quoting SallyB_LMT:

I would have her write an apology to the classmate and to the teacher. 


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LuckyMom822
by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 12:11 PM
1 mom liked this
  • So there's a fiancĂ© and kids that are new to her? I think that you hit that nail on the head. I have been divorced for years and my daughter acts up if I just date someone else. Moving in with someone else and their kids would def make her spaz out on me. I think her behavior will be temporary. Extra love and attention and open communication will probably change it around.

Quoting cheerwin:


 You are right.  She does think she is the boss.  I should have been more specific.  Since I wrote this original post, I have received a few other calls from the school about her sticking her tongue out and disobedience.  She has a twin that she hit on the head with some ear muffs also since then.  Stuff that seems small that the school is trying to control now, before it gets out of control.

 We don't really watch tv and she loves reading and playing with her sister.  I refuse to take away reading and  I have tried time out which doesn't really work. This week I used the threat of no weekly grandma visit  (which worked and grandma hates).  Seems like that is my next bet.  Also, I have decided to do a mommy and me night with my twins and my fiance will spend daddy and me night with his kids since they never spend time apart and maybe need a little more individual attention.  They will get to pick the activity as long as they do not get in trouble during the week before. I think this will help.  This behavior didn't really start until we moved in with my fiance and his kids.  They are lacking individual attention...all of them.  I think this will work. 


Quoting LuckyMom822:

Your last sentence changes everything. Is this the first time she has gotten in trouble at school or has it been multiple times? If multiple, it's time to lay down the law. She obviously thinks she is the boss. I would ground her from everything including dance. You cannot let up on that punishment. Stay strong mom!

Quoting cheerwin:

Unfortunately she loves chores.  She likes things to be in their place, exactly how she wants them.  Her after care director and I have come up with a sticker chart for our kids (she has a twin sister and a step brother who are also acting out).  On good days they get a sticker, bad days they have one taken away and after 2 weeks if they have all of their stickers, I will take them to Build a Bear (which they have been asking for).  I think this may work.  We used a similar tactic for potty training and it worked.  All I know is I am tired of hearing from the school and have no more responses for them when they call.





cheerwin
by on Feb. 13, 2013 at 7:49 PM
Hopefully she will stop this behavior soon. She is super sweet and mostly kind to others and she KNOWS right from wrong but she continues to misbehave. I have spoken with the school and assured them we are trying but how many times can I say the same things? They punish her (and her twin now) so much I think the other kids now look for things to tattle about. I saw it when I picked them up today. I can't tell if they are being bullied for bullying or what, but it is killing me inside.
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RainyDayMom78
by on Feb. 13, 2013 at 8:37 PM

 

To me it sounds like you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned this behavior started when you moved in with your fiance and kids.

I would say the idea of a chart and also making sure all the kids are getting some one on one time are a def. must. I would also like to add to switch kids one eve, you spend time with your fiance kids and he gets to spend time with your kids- if you are going to be a family together a good step is getting to know eachother.

As for the incidences that happen at school, I agree with the suggestion of having her write an apology note to the child she hit, to the teacher and to the principal. This teaches a child responsibility for their actions and I also agree that there should be a consequence for the behavior. The key is finding the appropriate consequence for your child, it has to be meaningful for them, something they don't want or like to do. So with that, yes having them sit out on extra curicular activity is a def. option if it means a lot for them. So if they have to sit out a day or two at first, it will make them think about their actions the next time.

You have to remember childrens brains are different from adults, esp. when they become teenagers. The cognitive ability to process the chain of events, like "if I hit this child, then this will happen" does not always register, they are geared for immediate pleasure response. "when I hit this child, it makes me feel better right now". So in turn the consequence has to be more meaningful to them that it negates that pleasure response, "if I hit this child, mom said I could not go to _______ activity which I really love to do".

Every child is different on what rewards and consequences will work for them. I would say it is time to sit down and talked about the initial problem, of why they are doing the behavior. They just might be able to express their feelings and things build up and boom they blow up. But also talk about setting down ground rules, it can help to write up a contract with your child, that is clearly written out for them w/out loopholes. Remember children are very literate, but you did not say I could not do _____, So it does have to be specific and defined. Get everyone behind the contract, you can have one for at home and at school, which may help the teacher. Rasing a child is a whole village thing, so you want to make sure when they go visit family they follow the same ground rules. The book "Parenting with Love and Limits" by Scott Sells PH.D is a great resource and some areas actually have a class to put the book to use in your home.

I had similar situation with my child and we had changed our living arrangements, my then fiance moved in with us and alot of problems started to happen, we came up w/ a solution, the chart system w/rewards & consequences, plus some one on one time, but then 5yrs later when he moved out, again more problems. This time the old methods did not work because my child was 9 not 4 and well it is hard for kids when the adults make big life changes.

I am a big fan of family counseling when needed, or just have my child go when she needs it. It has helped her sort out feelings and talk thru them and come up with a way of dealing with frustration and anger in a healthy way. I first tried talking with her, but soon found that it was good to have a mediater so she felt save saying what was needed w/out my reaction. It is hard to be unbiased w/our kids esp. when they need to tells us something and our first reaction is wanting to fix or tell them how they should feel. So I throw that suggestion out because I think counseling for some has a bad rap, that it means there is something wrong, but actually it is a very big positive and is a great way to have a safe zone to prevent and understand what is going on.

I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers and wish you the best of luck. I know how frustrating it can be when you are in the moment. =)  

Quoting cheerwin:

 You are right.  She does think she is the boss.  I should have been more specific.  Since I wrote this original post, I have received a few other calls from the school about her sticking her tongue out and disobedience.  She has a twin that she hit on the head with some ear muffs also since then.  Stuff that seems small that the school is trying to control now, before it gets out of control.

 We don't really watch tv and she loves reading and playing with her sister.  I refuse to take away reading and  I have tried time out which doesn't really work. This week I used the threat of no weekly grandma visit  (which worked and grandma hates).  Seems like that is my next bet.  Also, I have decided to do a mommy and me night with my twins and my fiance will spend daddy and me night with his kids since they never spend time apart and maybe need a little more individual attention.  They will get to pick the activity as long as they do not get in trouble during the week before. I think this will help.  This behavior didn't really start until we moved in with my fiance and his kids.  They are lacking individual attention...all of them.  I think this will work. 

 

Quoting LuckyMom822:

Your last sentence changes everything. Is this the first time she has gotten in trouble at school or has it been multiple times? If multiple, it's time to lay down the law. She obviously thinks she is the boss. I would ground her from everything including dance. You cannot let up on that punishment. Stay strong mom!

Quoting cheerwin:

Unfortunately she loves chores.  She likes things to be in their place, exactly how she wants them.  Her after care director and I have come up with a sticker chart for our kids (she has a twin sister and a step brother who are also acting out).  On good days they get a sticker, bad days they have one taken away and after 2 weeks if they have all of their stickers, I will take them to Build a Bear (which they have been asking for).  I think this may work.  We used a similar tactic for potty training and it worked.  All I know is I am tired of hearing from the school and have no more responses for them when they call.


 

 


 

BlsdWithTwOKids
by on Feb. 13, 2013 at 9:28 PM

Was she hit first ?,it's possible she was being bullied and had enough,in any rate I am sorry she did that & I would start by taking away TV time,video game time and if it continues then I would take away her dance class,maybe that will get her to pay attention and realize shd cannot just go around hitting kids.


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