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How should I deal with my mother??

Posted by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 9:41 AM
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I am single mother. My family lives in Europe and they occasionally fly over here to see my son and me. I understand that my mom is not around all the time, but she wants to always stay long period of times, not just week or two, but more like 4 months. She is in my house and when she is here, she is overly involved. She is cleaning my house, cooking meals, doing my laundry. I am 36 years old and it kinda bothers me. I told her to stop doing my laundry and she did, but she won't give up on the cooking and cleaning. It got to the point that I just stopped eating her meals to prove the point and she got upset. My son was very excited to see her, but now the initiall excitement wore off, he wants to spend more time with me than her and it bothers her too. I asked him if he can stay with my mom yesterday because I wanted to run to discount tire to change my tires and he said he wants to go with me. She got upset, and said that he doesn't like her. I mean she got REALLY upset. I think she is too emotionally dependent on us or at least this is the feeling I am getting. This all stands from her not having any relationship with my dad in the first place. They are still married but it's not a loving relationship, never has been and never will be. They ignore each other and I never understood why are they together. I am just so tired lately of dealing with the emotional co-dependence from her. I know she is my mother and always worries about me, but at some point she needs to let go and start enjoying retirement. I love my mom dearly but I do not want to be treated like I am 5 years old or worry about her being upset that my child wants to spend time with me instead of her. At the age of 36 I don't want to come home to a fully cooked meal every day... I want to cook my own.

by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 9:41 AM
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by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 9:55 AM
I will trade you. (jk) It really saids like this is always been her way of life. Cooking and cleaning for your dad. Maybe she doean't know how to rest and let go. The best thing I can tell you is to talk to her. say if she is going to be here awhile maybe tell her she can cook Monday Wednesday and Sunday You cook the other nights and go out one night. Cleaning same thing. Tell her you love her and that you want her to enjoy her time with yall. Maybe things are worse than you think with you dad to if she is staying for months at a time. She maybe using needing to help you as a reason not to go home.
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by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 10:15 AM
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So, your mother lives in Europe and she comes here for a longer period of time than you care for. Do I have it right?

If I do, let me ask how is she being co dependent when she lives a continent away? If you have no siblings here, what would you like for her to do or stay?
I can't imagine plane tickets across the water are cheap so I would not expect my mother to to stay for a mere month or shorter.

Do you go to see her?

I do understand having a maternal parent wearing out their welcome, but my mom lives a mere seven hours away ( in comparison to your mom's traveling) she comes maybe four times a year when the money is there as we can't visit her right now.

I guess I'm trying to say, this isn't codependence in my book. She misses you and wants to make the most of her one trip here ( a year, I'm guessing?)

Your son needs to learn manners ( quiet sulking , if needed) and really... Unless you haven't told us about how crappy or abusive she was.... Geez, it's your mother. She wants to help and enjoy her family because you'll be surprised how quick the time will come where she can't travel.

No I don't know the whole story, but I doubt her need to see you and do for you have a damn to do with her relationship with your father. This is not codependence, this is mortality catching up with her.... Knowing it won't be forever.

You do what you want, but I'd just deal.
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by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 11:00 AM
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I will trade you too. lol. My mom lives about 20 minutes away from me, I just had my first baby & my mom could care less. She never calls, never visits & eventhough I'm 33 I still feel like I need my mom. It makes me sad somtimes. Thank god I didnt need any help after my baby was born because she wouldnt help me. My mom has kind of always been this way even when I was a baby. She's a very very very selfish person. She was a SAHM & put me in daycare! Who does that? I guess talk to your mom about what you & your son want when she comes to visit & try to appreciate all that she does for you. Think about what it would be like if she never called or visited. I think most single mom's in your position would love all the extra help.

by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 11:18 AM

Yeah, and I love her and I want her to be present in my and my childs life. But the constant attention that she needs is what I can't handle. But I will try to talk to her about it. Thanks for all advice!

by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 1:25 PM

ITU hugs

by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 1:32 PM

It's like we're expected to make up for the attention they aren't getting elsewhere, but gosh we have kids of our own and it's hard enough to keep them satisfied. Not to mention if you have a partner to keep happy as well. It's very draining to say the least. You'd expect them to understand that but you can't satisfy everyone :/

by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 1:52 PM

You need to have a talk with your mom about your needs and how you feel.  Some boundary lines should be made.  Let her know that you love seeing her regurly each year but you do not need her to be your maid.   Tell her what you would like to do with her or things she likes to do outside of the house.  Maybe your son can have a day or two just with grandma.  Suggest that she stay at a hotel when she visits long periods.  Does she know anyone else that lives in America?  Suggest she visit them and not just you.   


by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 1:56 PM
I would tell her just what you told us. You said nothing mean or offensive, just honest. Start with that.
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by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 4:53 PM
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i envy you. my mom moved to Nevada (im in NJ) a week after my son was born. i miss her terribly.. as good as skype is i would pay my mom to stay here for months on end no matter how annoying she can be. someone to clean and cook for me? priceless.

like others have said.. there is obviously something going on with her.. and not sure of your relationship with her but you shouldn't take this time for granted.. bc one day she won't be able to make this trip anymore.. independance is one thing, i can relate, but allowing a person to love you the way they know how is not independence, it's selfishness. she's your mom, let her love you the way she knows how.. and like someone else said.. compromise on the meals, but let the woman clean! lol

by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 6:46 PM
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 I think there are a few separate issues here and you are blurring the lines of each.

1.Her lack of other personal relationships has lead her to be extra needy of the one you and her share.

2.She is an ocean away from you, you are her daughter and you have her grandchild. She wants you to know she cares and she probably worries about you. It's natural.

3.She does not want to appear to be a burden and emotionally she is but she tries to compensate for that by cooking, cleaning, babysitting. When you deny her those acts she feels as if you are not asserting yourself as an adult but pushing her away.

4. When you or your child don't want to be around her, it probably kills her self esteem as a woman, a mother and as a grandmother. It's obvious she does not have loving relationship with your father which means she gets no love, no affection, no reminders of how truly wonderful she is. She looks towards you for validation and acceptance and what she gets in return is "you are overbearing and coming on too strong."  Imagine how that would make you feel?

You need to learn to draw boundaries with her as well as compromise but you can't expect her to change overnight. Or that she wont understand why what she is doing is harming your relationship instead of helping it. Be patient with her and put yourself in her shoes.

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