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How Can I be a Good Friend?

Posted by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 11:27 AM
  • 18 Replies

Hey Moms,

 

I have a friend who I've known for almost two years. I think she and her husband are wonderful people and as far as hanging out with them, its been a blast. Our kids are the same age, so its been great to have playdates. However, in the two years that we have been friends, her eldest child is clearly displaying signs of ADHD and her youngest child is following in the same path. We talk all the time about the kids' behavior and what we do to ensue good behavior, but it seems that her children are just getting worse and worse. It has come to the point where her kids have hit even hit my children. I want her to do/say something more than "no" or "that's not nice". Her kids laugh when they do mean things to my children and it seems like they don't understand that their behavior is wrong. They don't look at her in the face when she tries to tell them no. They twist away, run away, yell and scream until she finally givies up. It even came to a point when her oldest son slapped and kicked my son at the playground. Her reaction was just to tell her son to to say "sorry". In that case, I really didn't feel like sorry was an appropriate response to leaving a handprint on my son's face. I was really torn about what to do, so I sent her a text explaing that my son didn't want to play with her son anymore becuase he was afraid of getting hurt. I know she felt bad for what happended, but I don't think there was any consequences for her son's bad behavior. She wants to be a parent who sits down and explains EVERYTHING to her kid and always gives them options out of being punished. I really just want to tell her that it is unacceptable that her children hit my kids and that if it does happen, that I expect her to give her kids consequences. Sometimes just saying "sorry" doesn't make things alright. I strongly feel that her kids know no boundaries and have no clue what a consequense is. She's so sensative about her children, that I'm afraid that it will cause us not to be friends.

Even as I write this I think Im realizing that I might just have to pull back on the friendship and just accept the fact that we have two different ideas about discipline and I may just have to move on.

I still would like to know what you guys think. I can't be the only person in this situation....

by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 11:27 AM
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Replies (1-10):
snowangel1979
by Bronze Member on Feb. 1, 2013 at 11:34 AM
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I think I would just pull back. If you really like her then just do mommy play dates LOL. Without kids.

That's not ADHD, that's poor parenting. 3 of my sons have ADHD and they know not to hit. I'm not saying her children don't have it, It's just not an excuse for hitting and behavior like that.
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anotherandree
by Inga on Feb. 1, 2013 at 11:37 AM
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While I agree with you, you cannot change other's behaviors, only your own.  Telling her how to parent is only going to piss her off and make you sound like you know more about raising her kids than she does.  I, personally, think you did a PERFECT first step by saying that your son does not want to play with her son for fear of getting hurt.  I think that is a good boundary and I would make more of them until she gets the picture that something needs to change.  But ALWAYS say it in a way that is changing YOUR behavior and not hers.

isaacsmommy68
by Member on Feb. 1, 2013 at 11:40 AM

I have a friend like that. I started by not having them over during winter because "my house is too small and they cannot play without destroying the place." Then one day when they broke a bunch of my stuff and I flipped out (I was Preg at the time and not in the mood). She got the hint. Yes we are still friends.

BOOGIETHEBOOG
by Bronze Member on Feb. 1, 2013 at 11:47 AM

If she calls again to ask the kids can play. Say no thank you and why. You might have to do this a few time. If a friend kid hit mine and left a mark. I would not let them play together for a while. It is hard to be friends with someone when they let their kids act like fools.

tanper29
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 11:47 AM
Im sorry ur going thru this. Sounds like she is afraid to discipline her children. How old r they? Might be best to move on.
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HondaMom82
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 11:55 AM
YES! Isaacsmommy...That's another thing. When her son comes over, he literally DESTROYS everything in sight! I have to hide some of my son's toys, take picture frames down, hide the remotes, lock doors etc... because he is so out of control. I call myself modeling good parenting behavior by my actions. I do feel like when they come over, that it is my job/responsibility to set the rules. One of my rules is that the kids shouldn't be climbing and jumping on and off the couch. So I've told him numerous times not to do it and the last time they were here, I used my "mommy" voice and told him to get down and go stand in the corner. My friend didn't say anything and did back me up by telling her son to listen to me. I was pleased that she backed me up then, but still, there isn't any consistantcy.... When we go to their house he's allowed to climb jump up and down on the couch, climb and sit on the kitchen table, ramble through cabinets, the refrigerator... I know she doesn't like the behavior, but she lets him do it because it just "keeps the peace" in the house. Yeah, mom's night out might be the only way I can keep her as a friend. I dont want to offend her as she IS a good person. I just can't stand her lack of parenting.
frstldyhmsch
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 11:57 AM
1 mom liked this

Preach!

Quoting snowangel1979:

I think I would just pull back. If you really like her then just do mommy play dates LOL. Without kids.

That's not ADHD, that's poor parenting. 3 of my sons have ADHD and they know not to hit. I'm not saying her children don't have it, It's just not an excuse for hitting and behavior like that.


 Through the eyes of a "Teacher Momma " typing


http://www.branyact.blogspot.com/  Let's talk homeschool  

HondaMom82
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 11:58 AM

I did wait a while before I let the boys get together again. I knwo she was embarassed... It was awkward for a while between us/ it was like the pink elephant in the room.

She's so odd about it because she always asks me questions or is describing what life is like with her hyper kids. It seems like she is asking for my advise, but then again it seems like she's too scared to implement any discipline, becuase she afraid to. Her kids hit her and and her husband too and it doesn't seem to phase the kids when they try to correct them. Like I said, the kids laugh and even continue to try to hit. Its like something is not registering in the kids' heads....

frstldyhmsch
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 12:02 PM
1 mom liked this

 you spare the rod, you spoil the child....period!....somebody needs the rod lol

Quoting HondaMom82:

I did wait a while before I let the boys get together again. I knwo she was embarassed... It was awkward for a while between us/ it was like the pink elephant in the room.

She's so odd about it because she always asks me questions or is describing what life is like with her hyper kids. It seems like she is asking for my advise, but then again it seems like she's too scared to implement any discipline, becuase she afraid to. Her kids hit her and and her husband too and it doesn't seem to phase the kids when they try to correct them. Like I said, the kids laugh and even continue to try to hit. Its like something is not registering in the kids' heads....


 Through the eyes of a "Teacher Momma " typing


http://www.branyact.blogspot.com/  Let's talk homeschool  

HondaMom82
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 12:03 PM

It is unfortunate, and I feel really bad. She is tired, stressed out and it seems like at times.... at the end of her rope with her kids. I try to lend an ear so she has someone to talk to, but its like nothing registers with her. I told her to stop rewarding bad behavior, but she just doesn't get it. Its like her son kept going into the kitchen and grabbing a cookie, he through a tantrum on the floor. Kicking and sreaming. Over and over she said no. Then finally she said, well you can't have a cookie, but here's a cereal bar. To me the boy just wore her down and he STILL a treat. It may not have been the cookie, but it was still something. She never addressed the tantrum/ instead she shut him up with food. FAIL!!!

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