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an 11 year old preteen with a bad attitude and how to correct it

Posted by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 11:22 PM
  • 19 Replies

my daughter is 11 and we are having issues gettng along. she has an attitude that is intolerable. any time she decides she doesnt like something she throws a fit and when she is confronted about it, she completely 100% shuts down and will not listen to a word that is said. she doesnt care about much as far as getting punished with taking things away or grounding her. she is the same way in school but always complains about not having any friends. when i explain to her that the attitude she has will make her come across as a bully and mean so the other kids might not want to be around that, she gets even more angry. i have her in counseling as well but doesnt really speak to the counselor. my daughter's father is not a positive role model in her life, as we just got out of a custody battle, which i am sure that has a role in her attitude. but her father and i have been seperated since she was 5 months old so she doesnt remember us being together. i am at a loss, as she is very rude, disrespectful and at times too hard to handle. i am a detention officer and i am going to sit down with the juvenile probation officer to ask for ideas, but i am asking any one for advice as i am at my wits end with the attitude. i would like to hear any suggestions or ideas another mom may have in how to correct, handle and be patient with my daughter. i am also sure the puberty thing is coming into play but i just need some help. i am in a relaionship with a great man who my daughter looks up to, he has 2 kids of his own a boy 12 and a daughter 14 which my daughter gets along with perfectly. i just dont understand why she behaves like this. Help Please!! it is hard to admit that being a detention officer, inmates are easier to handle than my child...how does that work?

by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 11:22 PM
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Replies (1-10):
AuntieMom101
by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 11:50 PM
2 moms liked this
Some people are not a fan of my parenting style. I am pretty strict. We do extra jobs for breaking the rules or being disrespectful (ie: picking up rocks, painting sheds, pulling weeds)

I wish you the best of luck with your DD!
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elzmnsf
by Silver Member on Mar. 11, 2013 at 1:16 AM
2 moms liked this
I am pretty strict with punishment too, but I have found that with my 11 yr old hormonal dd, sometimes I have to be compassionate. I remember being that age and trying to find my way, and I am sure you are too. I encourage my dd to express her feelings and then let her know why the attitude gets her the wrong response. I you have raised her well, and she is normally a good girl, then she just needs some extra compassion and direction, along with her normal consequences , to navigate this difficult time. She's not criminal, and shouldn't be treated as such. She just doesn't get why her emotions are so haywire, and needs the tools to deal with that. My girl has gotten better since I adopted that attitude and got her dad on board. It's such a sensitive time and you only have one shot at it. If you've done the job up till now, which I am sure you have, then now is the time for empathy and letting her know you get that she is struggling, and give her ideas of how to handle it.
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princess1981
by on Mar. 11, 2013 at 2:59 AM
omg!! i m going thru exactly the same thing with my 11 year old girl I been separated from her dad almost 7 years now he barely talks to her and helps out.. i feel like im going crazy with her attitude, i been seeing this great awesome guy for about a year and a half and she doesnt tolerate anything that we do together.. im thinking of taking her to a psychologist or something because i feel like i need help or im gonna go insame with her attitude and throwing fits for every single thing.. i wish u the best of luck and if you find out anything that works let me know because i have no idea what to do no more with her.
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maureen813
by Member on Mar. 11, 2013 at 7:33 AM
I am a clinical therapist working with children in schools and within a large community mental health agency. The issues you are experiencing with your daughter are very, very normal for this age. The process of indviduation , just a big word for normal separation from parents and identifying with a peer group is a normal, healthy phase for preteensand teens.try to get her to express her thoughts and feelings to you in a polite and kind way,explain and reflect back to her how much her rude behavior impacts you and her family. Do not consult anyonefrom the juvenile justice system, what would that accomplish, she is a normal preteen. i
Briesmom38
by Gold Member on Mar. 11, 2013 at 8:42 AM

Welcome to the preteens!  I am so over this puberty stage,lol   Definitely sounds like my dd, except she's great for everyone else, it's me she likes to go back at.  Luckily taking away things still works for her.  

Hang in there, I heard things get better!

** It's 5 O'clock Somewhere **

JoGibson
by on Mar. 11, 2013 at 9:06 AM

Have you seen a medical doctor to rule out a health issue or disorder?  She is at the age where horomones are flooding her body and many things can change chemically.  Do you notice a time of day (blood sugar issues) or month (menstral issues) when the outbursts are worse?  Has she ever been tested for the autism spectrum (I ask because of the socializing issue) ?


To me it sounds like a lot of anger wrapped around something else you are not seeing.  With the foster kids that come into my home and my own autistic son I use a calm "mirror" technique.  When they say something I repeat back what I heard calmly.  You will be surprised on how often what is meant and what we hear are not connecting.  They want to be grown up at 11 but lack the ability to truly express themselves.  After a few weeks I start adding in "I am having trouble hearing you when you talk to me like that."  At first it is not every time, but over a month it slowly becomes every time they have an attitude.

So my advice is to keep an outburst journal with times on a calendar to see if there is a pattern, consult her doctor, and use the mirror technique.

spider_c_hick
by on Mar. 11, 2013 at 9:42 AM
As far as the juvy po,he is a friend trying to help and we are just going to sit down and talk about other ways to deal with life stressers. We are not making her go thru the probation like a criminal. She will not open up or talk about anything with anyone and I am just looking every place I can for advice. She doesn't care about consequences in any aspect. She has seen the doctor and a mental health counselor. Her outbursts are every day and can last all day. Her meds help with school but home life is rough. I have tried to explain to her how her behavior is eddecting all those around her plus herself. She just doesn't care. I understand the hormonal issues going on which is part of it I know. Would it be inappropeiate to treat her like she treats me
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JoGibson
by on Mar. 11, 2013 at 9:47 AM

No, treating her like she is treating you will reenforce the bad behavior.  Instead you have to do the opposite and lead by example.  Remember you are the adult and have to remain the adult at all times, only she has the luxury of acting like a child.


Has the therapist suggested anything for you to try?  And what meds is she on?  Some times side effects from them can lead to poor behavior.

Quoting spider_c_hick:

As far as the juvy po,he is a friend trying to help and we are just going to sit down and talk about other ways to deal with life stressers. We are not making her go thru the probation like a criminal. She will not open up or talk about anything with anyone and I am just looking every place I can for advice. She doesn't care about consequences in any aspect. She has seen the doctor and a mental health counselor. Her outbursts are every day and can last all day. Her meds help with school but home life is rough. I have tried to explain to her how her behavior is eddecting all those around her plus herself. She just doesn't care. I understand the hormonal issues going on which is part of it I know. Would it be inappropeiate to treat her like she treats me


JoGibson
by on Mar. 11, 2013 at 9:49 AM

I forgot to ask, any siblings?

ShelbysHope76
by on Mar. 11, 2013 at 10:45 AM

 I love this idea, and I will try this on my soon to be 10 hormonal dd, we are butting heads and when I try to talk to her, her whole body shifts and I lose her. I know she is trying to find her own way, but wow....My first instinct is to jump.

Quoting JoGibson:

Have you seen a medical doctor to rule out a health issue or disorder?  She is at the age where horomones are flooding her body and many things can change chemically.  Do you notice a time of day (blood sugar issues) or month (menstral issues) when the outbursts are worse?  Has she ever been tested for the autism spectrum (I ask because of the socializing issue) ?

 

To me it sounds like a lot of anger wrapped around something else you are not seeing.  With the foster kids that come into my home and my own autistic son I use a calm "mirror" technique.  When they say something I repeat back what I heard calmly.  You will be surprised on how often what is meant and what we hear are not connecting.  They want to be grown up at 11 but lack the ability to truly express themselves.  After a few weeks I start adding in "I am having trouble hearing you when you talk to me like that."  At first it is not every time, but over a month it slowly becomes every time they have an attitude.

So my advice is to keep an outburst journal with times on a calendar to see if there is a pattern, consult her doctor, and use the mirror technique.

 

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