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Do You Trust Your Husband to Have Female Friends?

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Do You Trust Your Husband to Have Female Friends?

by April Daniels Hussar 6 hours ago

wedding ringsA recent conversation in a CafeMom discussion group got me thinking: Would I feel comfortable with my husband having a straight, female friend? One who wasn't attached to a guy friend? Hmm. I feel that it's very, VERY rare that two straight people of the opposite gender are truly, 100 percent "just friends." There's more often than not some sort of complicated feelings harbored by at least one of them, during at least some part of the friendship. I have not just personal experience, but science on my side in the matter of whether platonic relationships truly exist

Yet, yet, and yet again -- in anticipation of all the comments I can imagine this post getting about what great guy friends you have and how you LOVE your husband's best friend who happens to look like Cameron Diaz ...

I do concede that there are always exceptions to the rule. For example, I'm not talking about when you and your husband, as a couple, make friends with another couple; or you make friends with your husband's guy friends; or he makes friends with your girlfriends. That's a horse of a different color, to quote that guy at the gate of the Emerald City.

I now count two men among my dearest friends, both of whom are among my husband's best friends. I spend a lot of time with these guys; we've all been through some major life stuff together, and my husband and daughter and I consider them family. I also adore my best friend's husband -- he's someone I could call on under any circumstances if I ever needed anything. But still, the relationship I have with these men isn't really independent of my coupledom, or my best friend herself; it's not like I'd ever hang out with these guys without our respective mates.

Then there are the friendships that get "grandfathered" in. It's one thing to meet and make a NEW friend of the opposite sex while in a relationship; it's another if you and your mate already had true opposite-sex friends when you met. When I met my now-husband, he had one pretty good, unattached female friend, and I couldn't have cared less. I grew up in a very liberal part of Northern California, where this sort of things is very common (too common). Ergo, on my part, I had a handful of guy "friends" -- but most of them were ex-boyfriends. (See previous note about liberal Northern California!)

My hubby, an old-fashioned guy from New Jersey in some respects, was understandably more than a little uncomfortable with this. I've come to agree: exes really don't make good friends (though of course there ARE EXCEPTIONS to this rule!), and over the years, I've stayed in close contact with the one guy who was really, always just a friend, and lost touch on purpose with the others. Or rather, would have lost touch completely, if not for Facebook, which brings us to a really gray area ...

What about online "friends"? My husband and I both have Facebook friends of the opposite sex; some are, indeed, exes, some are old high school pals, and still others are people we've met along the way through work or what have you. Probably most of them are not people it would be appropriate for us to spend time with in person (alone, anyway), but somehow it's okay that it's a connection through Facebook, probably because we trust each other.

Ultimately -- whether talking about Facebook pals or friends in real life -- I think it does come down to trust, and to making decisions based on circumstances. Sure, it's possible that my husband could meet a woman through, say, a work project, and find that she's a real kindred spirit. Platonically. But for me to feel okay with that, I'd have to meet her, spend time with her and my husband together, and feel totally comfortable with her intentions. Also, let's face it: it would help if she were about 75 and not as pretty as me!

Do you think it's acceptable for married people to have friends of the opposite sex?

Image via promise_tangeman/Flickr

by on Apr. 18, 2013 at 3:33 PM
Replies (21-30):
by Bronze Member on Apr. 19, 2013 at 12:07 PM

When I was married, I did trust him.  But then after we split up, he told me he had cheated on me with all of them at some point.  So yeah....i dont know how I would feel about it now if I get married again. 

by Maranda on Apr. 19, 2013 at 12:52 PM

I see nothing wrong with it. My husband has female friends. I have male friends.

by on Apr. 19, 2013 at 1:00 PM
I did trust him but, I never met this woman. Then I find out he lied and cheated so no I do not trust him
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by on Apr. 19, 2013 at 1:21 PM

Do you think it's acceptable for married people to have friends of the opposite sex?

Yes, when we got married our friends learned to accept our spouse as part of us, and became friends with them too.  My husband and I trust each other very well, and we talk to each other about everything... our friends know this about us.  We are also not the type to remain friends with somebody we felt wanted more than just friendship from us, that's just wrong to do to your spouse who should be, and remain always your best friend. 

I guess my thoughts are this, it all depends on the type of friend you had to begin with and if they liked you more than you realized.  For my husband he did loose one female friend after we married, because she actually thought they could become more, and he let her know that wasn't ever going to happen.  For me I had a male friend I will never have anything to do with, because he went to my husbands place of work when he found out we were getting married and threatened my husband.  He had thought he had a chance with me and felt my husband wasn't as good as he was.  In both situations neither my husband nor I thought the other person was into us, nor did we egg it on or ask for more and when we found out their true feelings we let them know how things stood.

by on Apr. 19, 2013 at 1:51 PM
2 moms liked this

We absolutely trust each other, but still maintaina mutual agreement to not have friends of the other sex.

by on Apr. 19, 2013 at 2:20 PM
Of course I do. It's not a marriage w/ out trust.
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by on Apr. 19, 2013 at 8:07 PM
Ok, I think that it is ok to a certain point, if he has always been good to you and treated you like u do not have to worry about it, then he should b ok, but if u have seen him flirt or getting to comfy with women, then u will have to worry about him, everyone in here that has replied, that said yes, it is ok, that means that they trust their partner because according to their experience , they haven't had any issues involving other women, but the trust does not only have to b coming from u, he has to make sure that he treats u with respect and never give u motives to distrust him, I know this because I've been in counseling and the counselor agreed with me that is nothing wrong with a woman to get jealous or a guy to talk to to other women, what really matters is that both of u, r in the same page n never give each other reasons to distrust, if u get jealous because he may talk to other women, u r not wrong or crazy, because he has to see your side and work with you do that u don't feel disrespected!! I learned that in counseling Like I said!! But if he tells u that is only your insecurities that u have to work on, is partially not true, because is a job of both of u !! Period
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by on Apr. 19, 2013 at 8:16 PM

Since he trusts me to have a male best friend then I would trust him if he had female friends.

by on Apr. 19, 2013 at 8:23 PM
1 mom liked this
Yes within reason and within boundaries of friendship and your spouse's trust.
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by on Apr. 19, 2013 at 8:27 PM
1 mom liked this

Absolutely not and for this reason.....

Quoting jellybeanjean:

Pretty much no. But hes the one who told me that men and women can't be you can see why.

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