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Take responsibility!

Posted by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 9:44 AM
  • 15 Replies

I wish people would take some responsibility for their part in their children's behavior instead of having a doctor "diagnose what the problem is" and medicate.  Seriously!

I have a friend who's husband is military.  They have 3 sons.  They moved overseas 2 years ago and her husband's job now keeps him away more than he is home.  She works full time and then adds scout leader and PTO president on top of that.  Since they have been over there, her children's behavior has been increasingly worse.  She had them diagnosed -  ADHD (combined type- hyperactivity and impulsivity with inattentiveness), oppositional defiant disorder, anxiety disorder, impulse control disorder, Tourette's, and bed wetting.  The Tourettes and bed wetting are obvious medical problems, but the others?  Really?

Another friend decided to go from a SAHM to a full time student.  Her husband is gone for work from 6am-8pm and her school schedule keeps her away from her 2 yr old and 7 yr old all day, sometimes holding herself up in her room or the home office to do homework while her 7 yr old has to take care of her brother or leaves him shut up in the play room with a movie for hours.  Her daughter takes ballet and on those days the after school babysitter will get her ready and drop her off at class, and then mom doesn't see her until 7pm pickup time, only to rush her through her homework and send her off to bed.  She spends most weekends away from the family to do school work or meet her lab partner.  The 7 year old has recently been lying more and more, stealing money and in general has a horrible lack of respectful attitude towards her parents.  So mom wants to get her to a therapist and see if she might have an impulsive disorder.

I mean really!  Why won't either of them take responsibility that maybe things they have changed recently might have an effect on their kids?  Why not see if there are some changes they can make themselves?  I think these poor kids are crying out for some attention from their overworked, overstressed parents.  Why not start there?

by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 9:44 AM
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Replies (1-10):
OliviaW.
by Bronze Member on Apr. 30, 2013 at 9:51 AM
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Because it's easier to get to kid labeled anymore. My sil has all 3 of her kids labeled with a bunch of crap cause she didn't want to spend time with her kids and she was a SAHM. I laughed my butt off when she changed doctors and was told that her oldest wasn't autistic.
Linus77
by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 9:54 AM
1 mom liked this

Sounds like she is running away from the problems.  It also sounds like the kids are reacting to mom not being around...begging for attention.  It will only get worse until those kids give up on mom...and find friends who are like them.

So...what do you say to them?

trippsgirl
by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 10:04 AM


That's exactly what I'm wondering!  There is such a fine line between friendly advice and telling others how to parent.  I haven't been asked for advice.... just been vented to when their kids act up.  Both moms get so frustrated with their kids when they misbehave and they vent to me about it and say things like "I just don't know what to do anymore".  But when I've told them what I would do, they way they act tells me they really didn't want my advice.  I get frustrated with my kids as well, but I'm a SAHM and actually like being with them.  We spend time together, we do scouts together (even my 2 yr old son goes along with us to scout meetings).  I don't ship my kids off for someone else to raise and to figure out their behavior problems.

Quoting Linus77:

Sounds like she is running away from the problems.  It also sounds like the kids are reacting to mom not being around...begging for attention.  It will only get worse until those kids give up on mom...and find friends who are like them.

So...what do you say to them?



Jinxed8
by Gold Member on Apr. 30, 2013 at 10:19 AM
1 mom liked this

it's so obvious ... I see a total change in attitude and behavior when DD comes back from her dad's house ; so we comp for it at home, giving her all the love, attention and routine she needs , we make sure she's happy and relaxed.  I make a lot of sacrifices to make sure DD is okay, including not travelling for work anymore and DH being home in the afternoon so she doesn't have to go to daycare, not having her babysat on the weekends and spending as much time as possible with her.

mmpdrs07
by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 10:40 AM

My almost 3 year old is just about to go wild on me but I have also left his father and moved out in the last month.  Doing so caused daddy to no longer be in the picture and also his half brother that lived with his dad.  But I know good and well that if I just keep working on him and pushing everything will eventually smooth over and the little boy I once had will be back.  I have seen kids like your talking about OP and the parents just tune them out it seems and well hello they are just begging for attention and that's the only way they know how.  I have a cousin who's almost the same way with her kids and guess what OOPS CPS took them away because she wouldn't pull her head out of her ass and grow up!  So now she's busting her ass while pregnant trying desperatly to get them back.  Sorry I didn't mean to take over your post but I just needed to vent a little and I totally agree with everyone the kids are just begging for attention that they obviously no longer get.  Stop asking a Dr to diagnose a problem that don't exist. 

Mantidae
by Member on Apr. 30, 2013 at 10:43 AM

 Those are such sad stories.  I worry about things like this in our life.  I am active duty and work more than full time, and we volunteer a TON (I am also PTA president like the person in your post).  But we do all our volunteering as a family; we sit down to family dinners; we practice attachment parenting when they are little.  The idea of ever having my children diagnosed with something like ADHD horrifies me - but then again, I have very well behaved kids.

I can't say whether ADHD or similar issues are caused by the parents or by the environment.  I do think that over-diagnosis is caused by parents, and I do think it is an excuse, but since I do not live inside anyone else's life, I try not to judge.

Honestly, my first thought was "I bet these people are also self diagnosed as bi-polar and ocd and every other excuse," but I am trying to overcome that gut thought.  

I am very very thankful that my children do not have any overwhelming issues.  I like to think my efforts to be an involved parent help that.  But I can't say what it is like to be in someone else's life nor do I know what causes the various issues in children.

Except smoking.  Smoking is bad for kids.  That is a proven fact.

KRIZZ25
by Bronze Member on Apr. 30, 2013 at 10:44 AM
1 mom liked this
DO U HAVE A CHILD WTH ADD OR ADHD ..U HAVE NO CLUE ON WHAT THE PARENTS HAVE GONE THROW..ITS HARD DECISION TO PUT UR KIDS ON RX ..WE DON'T WONT TO DOPE OWER KIDS UP..BUT SOME TIMES WE HAVE NO CHOICE.
mmpdrs07
by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 11:05 AM

While I do believe some kids do have ADD/ADHD and what not I also believe that sometimes it's brought on by the parents not doing there jobs just like PP said.  My cousin that I was talking about the only reason her kid has been diagnosed is because she chose to not be a mother and party like a damn wild animal instead of taking care of her kids.  She thought that letting her 4 year old play Grand Theft Auto was the answer to make him sit down, shut up and don't bother anyone answer.  I can't tell you how many times I would show up at her house and there he sat playing the games that he shouldn't have been playing.  And if he tried to get the attention of an adult it took a fit or acting crazy to do it.  Sometimes yes I do believe it's brought on by the parent.  


Quoting KRIZZ25:

DO U HAVE A CHILD WTH ADD OR ADHD ..U HAVE NO CLUE ON WHAT THE PARENTS HAVE GONE THROW..ITS HARD DECISION TO PUT UR KIDS ON RX ..WE DON'T WONT TO DOPE OWER KIDS UP..BUT SOME TIMES WE HAVE NO CHOICE.



trippsgirl
by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 11:13 AM


My point is that a parent should try everything else before taking their kid to the doctor for a medical diagnosis.  There are very obvious huge changes that have happened in these kids' lives and instead of trying to get things back to a semi-normal state like when the children were behaving, they want a doctor to fix them.  A doctor isn't going to sit the parents down and examine what the parent is doing right or wrong.  They are going to look at the kids' behavior and try to fix it.

Quoting KRIZZ25:

DO U HAVE A CHILD WTH ADD OR ADHD ..U HAVE NO CLUE ON WHAT THE PARENTS HAVE GONE THROW..ITS HARD DECISION TO PUT UR KIDS ON RX ..WE DON'T WONT TO DOPE OWER KIDS UP..BUT SOME TIMES WE HAVE NO CHOICE.



Pukalani79
by Kris on Apr. 30, 2013 at 12:52 PM
1 mom liked this

 While I agree that situations have a tremendous impact on our children, it seems like you're being quick to judge. You have no idea what those families are going through - particularly the one overseas.  It is not an easy decision to have your child checked out and possible medicated.  In fact it can be agonizing.  I have very well behaved children who do not lack in any way for attention, yet one has an anxiety and mood disorder and another is being diagnosed for ADHD (inattentive).  Yes somtimes these things are over diagnosed but be very careful about judging.

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