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Second Child Angst

Posted by on May. 18, 2013 at 3:47 PM
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I am agonizing over what to do. I am a 36 year-old mom of one almost two-year old son. I finally landed my dream job after years of struggling in shit ones and I feel like I am really growing fast there.

My son is an amazing kid and now that he is a toddler, it's really getting fun. He is truly a sweet, wonderful boy.

I finally lost all my baby weight and now weigh less than I did when I got pregnant. I finally feel comfortable in my skin again. While I had a great pregnancy, I didn't enjoy it at all. My body felt foreign to me.

We have a great routine going, and it's working out so well balancing work/family. Finances are good. My husband and I each get time away for ourselves, on fact, my DH is wrapping up a ten day trip with his brother in Turkey.

It's not that hard now to get a sitter if we need one, grandparents or whatever because its one kid and he's so sweet.

Now my problem... To have another one or not? My mind is flooded with the what ifs.

What if because we are "older" parents in our late 30s, if the 2nd child ends up with a disability, and needs constant care? My job will be gone which financially would nearly ruin us. We wouldn't be able to provide the life we want for our son, and we would be saddling him with the responsibility if caring for this disabled sibling after we die. Not really fair is it?

I worry about multiples too. I can handle one more kid, but two more? Yikes!

Basically, I am content with our lives as they are now. But then I worry I'm not giving my son a sibling to grow up with, and I feel guilty... On the flip side, giving him a sibling is no guarantee they will get along either...

I don't know what to do. My DH is on the same page as me... Not sure what to do. He has been reading studies about how older Dads are contributing a lot of bad things happening to babies genetically, and it's freaking him out.

Of course there is all the pressure from others who have multiple kids who tell me that only having one is selfish...

Sigh... I just don't know what to do. Having another just to give my son a sister or brother doesn't seem like a good enough reason.

The idea of doing all of it again, pregnancy, breast feeding, no sleep... Now? Ugh.

I asked to wait until summer is over before we do anything because I just want to enjoy this with my son, now that he can do so much... I feel in my gut that I don't want anymore, but then I feel so guilty. I know if I did get pregnant, I would feel differently... I would love that baby to pieces like my son...

I just don't know what to do.
by on May. 18, 2013 at 3:47 PM
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by Gold Member on May. 18, 2013 at 4:09 PM
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hmmm that is a tough one.

Since part of what is going in to this decision is whether or not your baby would be healthy, I would talk to a DR and see what your risk level was. I had my second at 36 and was told I had the genetic risk of a 20 yr old. 

Also, look into what type of childcare you would want and how much it would cost.

Or maybe getting a doula so she can help out post-partum?

Maybe after you've researched the what-if's it would help you decide. 


by Gold Member on May. 18, 2013 at 4:12 PM
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 I completely understand where you are coming from.  I have one child, a beautiful, happy and healthy 11 year old dd.  When she was younger I had thought about giving her a sibling, but to be honest I just felt so complete with having just my dd, I decided to follow my feelings and only had her.  I have absolutely no regrets.  Do I worry about when she's older that she doesn't have any siblings, nope.  Because I have a brother that I'm semi-close with, but we see each other maybe twice a year because we live so far apart.  We both have our own lives, and when we were younger, we hated each other,lol

I am very close with my 1st and 2nd cousins and we see them a lot, so my dd is surrounded by family.  It's funny, a lot of my friends only have one child too,lol  We all feel the same way, one was enough for us.

You have to do what's right for you and your family.  Go with your gut, I'm sure in the end you will know what you want.

** It's 5 O'clock Somewhere **

by Ruby Member on May. 18, 2013 at 4:43 PM
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I hate when people say that having only one child is selfish. Does no one ever look at it from the side of the siblings who don't get along at all? Like you pointed out...having two is no guarantee at all that they will get along, then you'll just have more problems on your hands. 

If you are content with one, leave it be. Don't try to please family members by adding to your family if your aren't 100% it's what you want. 

by on May. 18, 2013 at 5:23 PM
2 moms liked this

Adoption. Thats what I would do.

Siblings are awesome gift to your child, if you're up for it! Sharing, bonding, empathy....

Adoption gives you the right to say 'healthy child please' (at least to a point), no body issues (pregnacy, bfing, weight, health). It also gives another family a gift too and teaches your child about love/family in a thousand ways.

by on May. 18, 2013 at 5:25 PM

Go with your gut its never wrong ;]

by Gold Member on May. 18, 2013 at 9:02 PM
Sounds like you have definately made up your mind you just do t want to tell anyone to shut their mouths.

Every child is different and wonderful but you have to want it. I couldn't imagine having one child though. I don't think it's selfish to have one but having two is just as much fun.

Don't push yourselves just to appease other people.
by Gold Member on May. 18, 2013 at 9:08 PM
Oh and my Dad was 48 when I was conceived and my Mom was 36. They conceived my little brother at 50 and 38 we were both fine.
by Bronze Member on May. 18, 2013 at 9:12 PM
It seems to me if you're content then one child must be meant for you. Don't have another just cause people tell you to. I would only suggest trying if in your heart you had desire for one. But it seems like no aspect of it is for you, it would only be for others...not a good reason to go at it again IMO
by on May. 18, 2013 at 10:08 PM
Thanks all. I appreciate the advice.
by on May. 18, 2013 at 10:12 PM
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It sounds to me like you have already made up your mind. From your post, it sounds like you and your DH are content with your lifestyle and with having only one child. There is nothing wrong with choosing to have only one child and I don't feel that it's selfish at all. I'd much rather see a mom with one child loving her life than a mom who felt forced to have more than one walking around stressed and unhappy.

Dont' rush into anything. Take the time that you need to do what's best for your family.

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