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Who comes first?

Posted by on May. 29, 2013 at 12:51 PM
  • 11 Replies

In a marriage I believe that the spouses should put each other first. I think a healthy marriage leads to a healthy family life. Obviously feeding, bathing and supervising kids is important in daily life. I'm talking the big picture So, now I am faced with this issue. I am a single parent. I have 2 chlildren and my boyfriend has 2 children. We are commited and it is a serious relationship. We do not live together. He thinks in a very similar way that a healthy marriage (when it gets to that point) is very important. I have a strong feeling that this is going to be difficult for him. He is so used to fending for himself and diving head first into having his children be his first priority that I don't really know how he is going to switch gears. He sacrifices everything for his kids. I am very thankful that he is such a loving and caring dad. But he fails to give time to himself and I am scared that it is going to continue that way with our realtionship.

by on May. 29, 2013 at 12:51 PM
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Replies (1-10):
AmyG1976
by on May. 29, 2013 at 12:55 PM

idk what it means when ppl say this so I AM not being mean or bitchy or whatever. The health and safty of the kids is always #1 we consult each other for decisons on the kids and the family not just do it because the kids want and adult dont. If dh chooses something that I know is not best for the kids then well I say and we work it out. vacations ect are always something that works for everyone. family decisions (what house to move into food to cook...) is well mainly up to the adults but kids can give option and we will take into considerion together without the kids as adults. been together 19 years married 15 have 4 kids both of our parents are married to each other. is this what you mean idk

lcm3181
by on May. 29, 2013 at 1:11 PM

I am talking about taking adult time, having date nights, keeping the flame alive, having alone time at home away from the kids (if they are old enough to be left alone for a few minutes obviously). So many people around me pour themselves into their kids and then their kids grow up, move out and they have totally grown apart.

JasonsMom2007
by Lisa on May. 29, 2013 at 1:21 PM

Wow that is a tough one.  Have you talked to him about these concerns?  He sounds like the type you can talk to.

TimetoMomUp
by on May. 29, 2013 at 1:29 PM

IDK...I agree to a point but I think there is a finer line when it comes to step-kids/step-parents.  I wish you guys luck Mama! 

JasonsMom2007
by Lisa on May. 29, 2013 at 1:31 PM
1 mom liked this

And for the record I agree that a marriage has to come first.  Any good parent will take care of the kids.  In a good marriage husband and wife will put each other first.  Doesn't mean the kids aren't cared for but it means both adults think about each other and help out with the kids.  It means things like a husband coming home from a long, hard day of work and seeing that his wife has had a hard day with the kids so he puts them to bed despite being exhausted.  It means that wife managed to cook her husband dinner and do his laundry despite her hard day.  The kids are still cared for and they see two adults who also care for each other.

Now change that so the kids come first.  Mom spent all day on the kids.  Husband comes home from a long, exhausting day of work and there's no dinner for him.  He has to do his laundry before work the next day.  He doesn't offer to help with the kids so the already worn out mom is mad that he never pitches in and she has to put them in bed as well.  Kids don't get time with their dad.  Husband is mad that he worked all day and had to come home and work some more.  

I truly believe putting the kids first is a huge reason why the divorce rate has increased.  Parents put the kids first and kids put the kids first instead of husband and wife putting each other first both giving and receiving.

ruby_jewel_04
by Member on May. 29, 2013 at 1:36 PM
Unfortunately my husband had made it clear by his actions that the most important person is him. Therefore I put my kids first, since he won't.
LauraS2337
by on May. 29, 2013 at 1:40 PM
1 mom liked this

Pre-marital counseling. I just married a 33 yr old man who does not have kids of his own. I have a 9 yr old son. While my husband has done fairly well at adjusting his lifestyle, for the most part, I am struggling with having another authoritative figure in the house. We moved in together one month before our wedding. I divorced my son's dad when he was 4 yrs old. So for over 5 yrs, it was just me & my son. It has been a huge adjustment. I am actually currently seeing a family counselor for my own issues. I wish we would have done pre-marital family counseling to help all of us work through the adjusting period. 

Jinxed8
by Platinum Member on May. 29, 2013 at 1:41 PM

In my case, DD is from a previous marriage.   I think there needs to be a balance.  DD is super important obviously but I make sure I have alone time with DH everyday as well.  These are rules and stuff you need to discuss with your boyfriend before this goes any further.  Definitely. 

princezlisa12
by on May. 29, 2013 at 1:48 PM

I am like your soon to be husband...I've been single parenting for what seems like from the very beginning and have been betrayed so many times that my trust issue is extremely low.  Even when I dated someone, I always had to confirm and verify that my daughter was safe, okay, etc...

I'm not saying your soon to be hubby doesn't trust you...I'm just giving you an insight into the other side.  I hope I don't grow old alone, but since I am the only living parent to my child, I am extremely cautious and protective of her and desire only the best for her.

Good luck.  

lcm3181
by on May. 29, 2013 at 1:55 PM

Thanks for your view point! I do see how you are similar to him. I know that change is often hard. And I will never knock him as a dad. He is amazing, attentive, fun, caring, nuturing....and the list goes on. I just have to make sure I have space in his life too, and somewhere near the top if things are going to pan out for the long haul. I am going to have to talk to him more about all this. Hopefully his actions will reflect his words!


Quoting princezlisa12:

I am like your soon to be husband...I've been single parenting for what seems like from the very beginning and have been betrayed so many times that my trust issue is extremely low.  Even when I dated someone, I always had to confirm and verify that my daughter was safe, okay, etc...

I'm not saying your soon to be hubby doesn't trust you...I'm just giving you an insight into the other side.  I hope I don't grow old alone, but since I am the only living parent to my child, I am extremely cautious and protective of her and desire only the best for her.

Good luck.  



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