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Tell me honestly if I'm wrong.

Posted by on Jun. 12, 2013 at 7:40 PM
  • 31 Replies

Since my son was born SIL comes over about 2-3 times a month.  She drops her bf off at work in the morning (around 7:00 AM!!!) and stays at our house until it's time to pick him up - 4:30-5:30 PM!!!  Usually on the days she comes ds does not get a nap.  I have to finagle some kind of breakfast and lunch for all of us.  She always says she'll bring the food and she never does.  Sometimes - SOMETIMES - she brings leftovers from something she has made at home or something she got from a restaurant.  (DH is working, btw, so I'm at home with her all day.)  He sees nothing wrong with this.  I am floored!!  Today I'm so tired I'm practically in tears - after her bf got off work he came over, too!!  They just left a little bit ago.  I just finished making ds's dinner and now I'm going to try to get him to bed.  I'm seriously so tired I could just drop.    

BIL and HIS family love to drop in around dinner time.  They see the food on the table, and they tell us to go ahead and eat, but I was always taught it was rude to eat in front of people without offering.  (Then again I was also told it was rude to drop in around someone's meal time.)  Usually dinner means ds will be getting ready for bed soon, but they just hang out while ds starts slowly melting down.  Last week I just picked him up, got him ready, and took him to bed.  They finally got the hint and left. 

Am I wrong??  Isn't this rude??  I'm having a hard time believing I'm the only person in this whole bunch who sees all this as a problem.  

by on Jun. 12, 2013 at 7:40 PM
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Replies (1-10):
xoxRachelxox
by on Jun. 12, 2013 at 8:12 PM
4 moms liked this

I would tell her that she can't keep coming and hanging out with you all day. It throws off you and your kids schedules. Your husband isn't the one home dealing with it so he should back you up. 

As for coming around dinner time, I would also tell them that you'd like to sit with your family and eat alone. 

I don't think it's rude. You have your own little family, they need to respect your space. 

I was also raised not to eat in front of people or drop by during dinner time so them doing that would bother me as well. 

kyledavidsmom
by Tara on Jun. 12, 2013 at 10:09 PM
Quoting xoxRachelxox:

I would tell her that she can't keep coming and hanging out with you all day. It throws off you and your kids schedules. Your husband isn't the one home dealing with it so he should back you up. 

As for coming around dinner time, I would also tell them that you'd like to sit with your family and eat alone. 

I don't think it's rude. You have your own little family, they need to respect your space. 

I was also raised not to eat in front of people or drop by during dinner time so them doing that would bother me as well. 




I agree
countrymomma81
by Platinum Member on Jun. 13, 2013 at 12:37 AM

I was taught that you don't eat in front of others unless you have enough for everyone as well. I don't like having company at all. I don't like having to entertain people in my home when I'd rather just be channel surfing in my tank and pj pants. 

As for SIL coming over all day....that used to be me:/ I have a friend who would babysit in her home. I would go to school and get off at 1:00 but DH didn't get off until 5:00. We shared a car and her house was right in between school and his work. I thought I'd stop in at her house in the afternoons instead of using gas to go all the way home. I'd usually stop and get her and I some chicken nuggets to share while the kids were napping and I was there from about 2-4 every day. I never saw it as a bother because I'd actually help her with the kids so she could get housework done and start cooking supper. I'd go walk her dogs and everything for her, trying to make things easy. Then she came up with the excuse that the mother of one of the children she watches got upset with me being there every day. I figured she was lying and just didn't want to hurt my feelings. It did, but after I got over it I understood where she was coming from. It never occured to me that I shouldn't have been there, especially since I was helping her out. I felt so bad after that that I kinda pulled away. We barely talk now. 

TheMetal
by on Jun. 13, 2013 at 12:59 AM
2 moms liked this

Yes, it is very rude. Your relatives need to get lives of their own. Their behavior is incredibly ridiculous. It is your house and you are entitled to a degree of privacy and personal space.

momofjnlj
by Member on Jun. 13, 2013 at 7:18 AM
3 moms liked this
Yes it is rude of your sil to come hang out all day, but no matter how you address it, she will be offended & there will be drama behind it. If you want to be non confidential, you can ask your sil to do various chores around the house while she's sitting there. Ex. Hey sis, can you please put the dishes up while I feed the baby. After you work her ask day for a couple of days she might stop coming over so often or not stay as long. If she still keeps coming, at least you got help with your chores. As far as your bil, yes its rude to eat & not offer, but it is ruder for them to be there. Eat your family dinner and say top your bil...oh I'm sorry, I didn't know you were coming and offer them a sandwich or something similar. And yes, you should keep your routine or schedule for the baby no matter what. Go ahead abs put him to bed. If you do it the same time every time, they will eventually get the hint
clairewait
by Bronze Member on Jun. 13, 2013 at 7:41 AM
2 moms liked this

No you aren't wrong. There's no such thing as wrong. If you don't like it, you don't like it. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks (us nor your SIL). It is your freaking house and your family. You get to do whatever you want.

You sound like a very non-confrontational person, and it also sounds like you are worried about hurting people's feelings. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I ask: Do you find yourself frequently wondering if your feelings are valid (even in other situations)? Because they ARE.

Can I say this again? It doesn't matter if you are right. It is your life. It is your family. And you should feel okay about asserting what you need and want for your day to function normally.

Not just with the sister in law.

In LIFE. 

I will say this: becoming more assertive, creating personal life boundaries and enforcing them with family and friends, and allowing yourself to come first once in a while is a strange and difficult habit to walk into for the first time. That said, it gets easier and easier the more you do it. I have found that I am often the only one who is worried about what people think - but that when I'm just consistent, kind, but firm about what I want/need, people just get over it. And weirdly, all of them still really like me.

Good luck. Really, I think you are allowing her to take advantage of you.

Claire Wait

My blog: TheUnderToad.com

whoodathunk
by on Jun. 13, 2013 at 7:58 AM
1 mom liked this

It's only 2-3 days a month...I think you're over reacting.  Two eggs and toast will cost you nothing.  Sharing your dinner shouldn't be such a burden unless you're really on a tight budget.  If it is, make spaghetti for dinner and skip the meat or make meat sauce and just stretch it.  Why is your son not napping when she's there?  Just put him in for a nap.  If it's bedtime, put him to bed and then go back adn enjoy your company!  I WISH my sister or SIL could visit!

ferne3
by on Jun. 13, 2013 at 9:15 AM

I don't think you are overreacting.  Kids can be exhausting.  With DD #1 I was a little like this.  I was too worried about hurting other's feelings, with #2 I got over it.  I like what others have said, I would combine them.  You may hurt some of your family's dynamic if you say something or even if you get your hubby to say something.  Get her to pitch in and help you.  Also, offer her something else for dinner, like PB&J and say something along the lines of, hey, if I'd known you were staying I wouldn've made more.  Someone else mentioned you should be able to feed them unless you are stretched tight, but I cook for just my family - I don't feel you should have leftovers every night on the off chance someone will decide to stay.  FInally, don't miss naps,dinner or bedtime because this person is hanging out all the time.  SOme families work like this, sounds like your DH does.   They may never know it is wrong, and not even understand why you are stressed if you do confront them.  However, like a stray cat, if you keep feeding them, they will never stop dropping by.  Good luck.

Jinxed8
by Gold Member on Jun. 13, 2013 at 9:25 AM

Hang around ALL day is very much intruding in your life  and no you are not being rude ... I'd have a hard time too ; my XIL used to be like that and it drove me completely bananas !!!  They would always come right at meal time and them I had to fix them food and they hung around for HOURS never brought anything or offered to pay for anything and expect me to serve them ARGH !

Mind you it's 2-3 times a month, at least it's not 2-3 times a week.  Next time she's due to come over, I would take off tell her you have appointments ; hair dresser's , Dr, Dentist, whatever !!  Or even just take off, for a walk or go shopping, let her stub her nose on the locked door.  Hopefully she'll get the hint.

Tckosdk.2012
by Bronze Member on Jun. 13, 2013 at 9:32 AM

I think it just depends on your relationship with your SIL. If you like her & you two get along then it's nice to hang out a few times a month & for her to spend time with your son. If you don't really get along with her & she's over staying her welcome then it is what it is. You have a few ways of handeling this. Talk to her & tell her how you feel or tell her your not gonna be home those days. How ever you feel is not wrong. Mabey ask her to help out more when she's over. Tell her to order pizza or somthing so you don't have to cook on those days & mabey she can watch your son so you can take a nap.

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