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Are you a different person than when you got married?

Posted by on Aug. 29, 2013 at 12:50 PM
  • 16 Replies

We're Different People Than When We Got Married but That's Okay

by Sasha Brown-Worsham

changing in marriageWhen my husband and I were engaged almost 12 years ago, we were just kids in our early 20's. We were madly in love with one another, but had no more a sense of "forever" than anyone does when they are barely out of their teenage years. We were kind of silly and frivolous and crazy.

It is 10 years later and we have had two children, bought sold property, made a major move together, moved up in our careers and generally become far more grown up than we were back then. Both of us have changed and matured and become cooler about some things and far LESS cool about others.

We are also much, much more bonded and closer than we have ever been. Our marriage is rock solid and even though we have grown, we have always made sure we did it together. So what's the big deal?

Somehow, it seems, this idea of "becoming different people" after marriage has become a warning sign of divorce. As if somehow growing and changing is a BAD thing and it must always be apart. I can't imagine knowing a person who is exactly the same at 35 as they were at 25, but so what? Part of the beauty of life is the way we evolve and grow over the years.

The point of marriage is not always to be on the same page or even to always adore one another. It is to respect each other enough to talk it out when you need to, try to grow together, and make an effort to talk about changes as they come so the relationship can accommodate them.

As a pregnant woman right now, my emotions and thoughts run the gamut and I am not being entirely myself. My incredibly patient and loving husband is there by my side even as I change. That's marriage. He's probably cursing that whole "for better or worse" part right about now. Muhahahah.

But I digress. The truth is, life is about shifting and opening our minds and allowing new thoughts to rise to the surface. It is about maturing and learning until we are 105. Marriage, meanwhile, is about adjusting to those changes and loving one another.

So when someone asks me if I am a different person than the one my husband married my answer is simple: Yes. And so is he. And I would not have it any other way.

Are you a different person than when you got married?


by on Aug. 29, 2013 at 12:50 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by on Aug. 29, 2013 at 1:03 PM

You can't marry a person expecting them to change (tried that with my first marriage), but you also can't expect them NOT to change.

My dh and I have changed, in little ways over the years. The big things are the same and we love each other in the big way so little changes are just growth, not seen in some sort of negative way.

by Ivy on Aug. 29, 2013 at 3:45 PM

Absolutely.  We both have.  That comes from life's experiences and from maturity.  I think the changes have been for the better.  I mean, 13 years ago when we first met I never would have expected to be where I am and that I would be happy with it.  But I am.  I wouldn't change this for anything. 

by Ruby Member on Aug. 29, 2013 at 3:47 PM

I absolutely am. DH and I are in our early 30's and changing in different ways. We are learning that it's ok to have a life outside one another. Gives us things to talk about. We are also learning and becoming more interested in Faith so there's that. 

by on Aug. 29, 2013 at 3:59 PM
1 mom liked this
I would hope that after 6 children and 13 years of marriage I've changed. I also don't want to stay married to a man with the maturity of a 20 year old for the rest of his life. Yes, mercifully we aren't the same people we used to be.
by on Aug. 29, 2013 at 4:16 PM

I've been married over 13 and a half years now.  I was always a serious person, even when I was younger, and while I was always aware of what others thought and tried to do the best I could, I didn't really think about any trickle effect of what I did or said or supported being of import on future generations or other people.

I have grown and changed so much over the years, and in so many good ways.  I find my husband makes me a more relaxed and easier going person, my children make me a more organized and conscientious person, and all of those things have contributed to the happy life I lead now.  Part of life is change, and accepting change.

by on Aug. 29, 2013 at 4:44 PM

yes  once I had my 1st daughter

by Member on Aug. 29, 2013 at 4:54 PM
In some ways, yes, I'm the same. Both Hubby and I grew up with some family issues so we were both very mature. We have just continued to mature together. We knew from the beginning where we wanted our family to go and we both worked towards it.
I sometimes think it is easier to marry early and grow together as long as everyone is on the same page.
by on Aug. 29, 2013 at 6:08 PM

LOVE what you wrote.  :)  Certainly we're different than when we first married (DH and I going on 28 yrs now) but if committed for life, like most wedding vows read, then we have to learn to adapt to those changes, and grow together ~ just like you said.  What I've seen is two people often marry without any premarital counseling to really get to know the other person well enough, to trust their character and why they think and act the way they do.  My guess is that if more people took this time to know their fiance better, there would be less break ups and heartache. 

by Platinum Member on Aug. 29, 2013 at 6:10 PM

I've only been married for 2 years (second marriage) but yes even within those short 2 years I have changed !

by Bronze Member on Aug. 29, 2013 at 6:11 PM

My husband and I have been together for almost 16 years and we've both changed, but we grew together, and we'll continue to change and grow together.

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