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am i making a bigger mistake leaving or staying?

Posted by on Sep. 9, 2013 at 2:53 AM
  • 29 Replies
I am engaged to a wonderful man who works his butt off to provide for me and my children (who are not his). I couldn't love anyone more than I love him, but I feel like I have a choice to make that I can no longer avoid. My fiance is an alcoholic. He has admitted it to himself and his family, but he refuses to get help or stop. Any time I bring it up he accuses me of trying to change him. It got to the point once where we split up because I made him chides between the boys and the alcohol. He sobered up for a bit and we were OK, but now he's back to his old ways. The kids see him drunk, but he's a fun drunk so they aren't understanding my point. I have never lied to my kids and they have heard my side of the issue when he wasn't around when we broke up. It isn't the money he's wasting that is hurting me. Its more how he treats the problem he obviously has. Also, I watched my mother drink herself to death (ethanol induced heart attack) a few years ago and he doesn't understand that every time I see him drunk (every night) I am reliving the day I found my mother dead from the same problem. I can't watch him kill himself (and he wont admit that it is happening) but it hurts just as bad to think of leaving the man I love with my heart and soul just because he has a problem. I need advice, not criticism. Please help me, I'm so lost and desperate.
by on Sep. 9, 2013 at 2:53 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Michelle701
by Member on Sep. 9, 2013 at 4:41 AM
1 mom liked this
He may be a "fun drunk", but is that the kind of life you want your sons to live? You said you dealt with that growing up. I'm sure you don't want the same thing for them. I'm sorry you're going through this. Dealing with addictions is so hard. Your strength needs to come from doing what is best for those kids. Good luck.
CampClan
by Bronze Member on Sep. 9, 2013 at 6:12 AM
2 moms liked this

IMO leave him. It can only go 2 ways- he will wise up & sober up for good (at that point work together on getting him help & THEN talk about taking it slow). Or it will get worse. The worse could means becoming an abusive drunk. 

You have to ask yourself- do you really want your kids growing up thinking that being drunk is okay. While drinking is not a sin, becoming drunk is. It's an illness too. And he needs help. The whole family needs help- not just him.

fivegirls333
by on Sep. 9, 2013 at 6:27 AM

i don't believe he is a "fun" drunk.  he may have moments when he is goofy or stupid and the kids laugh...at him.  it depends on what is important to you.  doing all holidays and birthdays and special days by yourself with no help?  hiding him as things get worse?  supporting him when he loses his job?  if anyone knows where drinking ends up?  it is you.  i am so sorry.  start going to some alanon meetings...with your children.  please accept my prayers and hope for you.  it is very difficult when something "negative" feels comfortable...

Wright77
by Member on Sep. 9, 2013 at 7:05 AM
Leave...if he hasnt changed by now he never will Im speaking from personal experience. I wasn't sure I could raise 3 kids on my so I stayed longer big mistake . My ex husband wasn't a mean drunk either but when our relationship went down hill so did he . He now blames me for not having a relationship with his daughters . I guess its easier to blame me than to sober up and take responsibility for your own actions. I divorced him 6 years ago and have been with my current husband 5 years and couldn't be happier. My ex still hasnt gotten his crap together . Gl its a hard decision but also the best one I ever made .
.Peaches.
by on Sep. 9, 2013 at 7:09 AM

I think you've pretty much already answered the question for yourself. If leaving him is what needs to happen so he'll get help for his problem, then so be it. I couldn't stay with someone who refused to admit they had a problem and get help for it- problems like that don't stay on one level, they get worse.

You have not only yourself and the rest of your life to think about, but those kids as well. This isn't the example they need to see growing up. They may not understand now, but there is going to be a day when they will understand, and you'll have to explain it then.

catevincesmom
by on Sep. 9, 2013 at 7:28 AM
1 mom liked this

I say leave.That's not a good environment for you or the kids.  hopefully, he will get the help he needs.

crwspringer
by Silver Member on Sep. 9, 2013 at 7:35 AM
Have you attended any group therapy meetings (Alanon I think is the name of one). I feel that you can get a better grasp on your thoughts when you are surrounded by people in you same position.
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Jinxed8
by Gold Member on Sep. 9, 2013 at 10:19 AM

you have to explain to him that you cannot go on like this, if he doesn't get his drinking problem in check, you will have to leave.  it is not something easy to go through.  He has to be willing to change.  Alcoholism is an ugly disease / addiction. 

Babujai
by Bronze Member on Sep. 9, 2013 at 10:25 AM
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 I wouldn't commit to him until he committed to sobriety...and that's something that you can't do for him.  It needs to be his decision.

KylesMom409
by Linnette on Sep. 9, 2013 at 11:28 AM
This

Quoting CampClan:

IMO leave him. It can only go 2 ways- he will wise up & sober up for good (at that point work together on getting him help & THEN talk about taking it slow). Or it will get worse. The worse could means becoming an abusive drunk. 

You have to ask yourself- do you really want your kids growing up thinking that being drunk is okay. While drinking is not a sin, becoming drunk is. It's an illness too. And he needs help. The whole family needs help- not just him.

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