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Enough is enough (in laws drama) - I need to vent (long, sorry) update, pg 4

Posted by on Oct. 24, 2013 at 1:06 PM
  • 35 Replies

At what point do you say enough is enough and cut off a part of your family?

Our oldest had his bar mitzvah last Saturday. My MIL had promised for months that she would be there, she knew how important it was to him. We even offered multiple times to drive out and pick her up and bring her home again (she lives 3 hours away). She insisted she'd get here herself (with my FIL and BIL). Even with an invite and numerous reminders the service was at 9:30am, I still had to correct her the day before when she thought it was at 2:30pm (what???).

Well my BIL has been trying to get out of coming for weeks but he ended up starting a stupid fight with my husband 2 days before and said he wasn't coming. Fine. We don't need a downer on my son's special day.

My MIL still insisted she was coming... up until the wee hours Saturday morning (my FIL "forgot" to ask off early for Friday so they could drive down the night before). She texted at 6:30am that she fell down the stairs and wasn't coming (usually I don't open texts once Shabbat starts but I wanted to make sure she hadn't been in an accident or something).

This has been her thing for the past 3 years. She'll promise she's coming to visit or come for a holiday or special occasion, then she backs out at the last minute... And we are left trying to console the kids and pass along her excuses. Then, we find out later that the accident or injury or illness that prevented her visit was made up, she just didn't want to come.

Well, I thought our son was doing ok (after a good cry and a long talk on Sunday about why his grandma didn't come to this very special day), but it's starting again. He's so upset. Now he's upset because she hasn't even called to apologize or wish him congratulations or anything.

At this point our stance is to protect our son from her excuses and lies. My husband is ready to completely cut ties with the whole lot of them. I keep hoping she'll call to apologize to my son but at this point she's made it all a game... She won't be the first to call, she thinks she did nothing wrong in hurting the feelings of a 13 year old child.

(There's more that's been going on too, she's been posting a bunch of "pity party for me" garbage on Facebook and my BIL has been even worse... but we aren't telling our son any of that)

What would you do? I hate cutting off the only grandparents my kids have left but the lies and broken promises are too painful for them. I never thought I'd have to protect my kids from their own grandmother and uncle.

by on Oct. 24, 2013 at 1:06 PM
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Replies (1-10):
poshkat
by on Oct. 24, 2013 at 1:16 PM
4 moms liked this
Cut ties. I wouldn't answer phone calls, texts, emails, ect.
isaacsmommy68
by Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 1:23 PM
6 moms liked this
Do what I do. Tell them the time and place of the occasion. Tell the child you don't know if they are comming. Don't remind them. Don't call them. Go on and have a great day. Been there. I don't care if they come anymore. But, we always extend the invitation.
Marisol1106
by on Oct. 24, 2013 at 1:28 PM
I've cut all ties from my husbands entire family three years ago. Best thing we ever did for our marriage and our children. It's sad especially around the holidays but you do what's best and sometimes families don't cause anything but stress and drama. If they don't add meaning to your life and only take away then cut them off. Best of luck.
esox
by Bronze Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 1:36 PM
1 mom liked this
Just stop planning on them being there. If they actually show up, great! If they don't, no ones feelings will get hurt. With a three hour drive, one way, there will always be an excuse not to show up for special events.
Of she is truly making a game out of it, you can win the game simply by not playing into it. She will be the one with hurt feelings when she is no longer getting the attention she is craving.
posh417
by on Oct. 24, 2013 at 1:45 PM

If she's gong to continue to back out, quit inviting her. It sucks, but she chose to be a rotten old bag. Your DS doesn't need that sort of drama in his life. Sane with BIL. Just scratch them off.

CountryGrlAtHrt
by on Oct. 24, 2013 at 2:04 PM

I am so sorry that happend to your Son :-(,if it were me I would haave cut ties a long time ago,it would be better so this doesn't happen in the future,I know it might be hard because they are Family,but I would be concerned about if this happens again then your son will be heart broken again...Good Luck...

I hope your son had a wonderful Bar Mitzvah :-)

BOOGIETHEBOOG
by Bronze Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 2:06 PM

 What dose your hubby say about his parents doing this to your family? 

Before you cut them out. Be sure that you and your husband are on the same page 100%.  Because you dont need any wiggle room. 

rmgriffberg
by on Oct. 24, 2013 at 2:18 PM

 tell her "let us know when you want to visit" if she contacts you and says ill be there on such and such a day say ok but dont tell your son. if she shows great your son gets a surprise visit. if she is a no show he wont be saddened. for holidays let her know time and place and then maybe 1 extra reminder. if your son asks if she is coming say you dont know. again if show shows up great but if not he isn't expecting her

Jinxed8
by Gold Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 2:59 PM

Is your MIL not jewish ? I thought barmitzvahs were a huge thing... sounds to me like she's just dis-interested and if it's hurting your son to boot, I would just stop inviting her to these events, or extend the invite but don't tell your son. That way if he's not expecting anything and she does show up it'll be a nice surprise.

Sometimes you have to do what's best for your kids.  To protect my daughter, I had to cut my paternal grand-mother out of my life because with old age, she became a razor-tongued woman with mean criticism and a talent for starting fights within the family.  I decided to cut the ties when DD was 11 months old in order not to subject her to this. I have no regrets even though she passed away last January and I had not spoken to her in 9 years.

Musicknot07
by Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 3:02 PM

I would cut ties,

We did two yrs ago with my in laws and it was great. But then last September we ran in to my mom in law at a flea market and we started talking again. It was nice for the kids to see her but the old habits of my mom in law and my step farther in law have been creep back in to our life.. To the point that I have said to my hubby that we need to distance us from then for a while cuz I'm going loss my mind again.. 

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