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Do not have a clue what to do...

Posted by on Oct. 29, 2013 at 8:28 PM
  • 17 Replies

I am at the end of my rope with my 6 yr old son. He is very passive aggressive and difficult to handle. For example: if he finds himself in time out he will say "that's fine...I wanted to sit here. Or I can sit here all day!" If we remove privileges then he will say "thats okay I didn't want to do play with that or do that anyway." When asked to do something he will routinely say No...and then proceed to do it was slowly as possible. Or he will flat out ignore us! These behaviors are occurring in school as well.


Just to rule out any potential opinions that this behavior is media/enviroment driven: We do not allow him to watch extended amounts of television or to engage in violent video games. He is active in art, and swimming, has no medical problems, eats organic foods only, he is above average in his school work, and goes to bed by 8pm nightly.

Our home is a two parent household. I work PRN as a Social Worker but for the most part am a SAHM. This child does not come from a violent background or live in poverty. He is not overly indulged, ignored, or coddled. His misbehavior is addressed 90-95% of the time. I simply do not have the luxury of devoting every waking hour to him...we do have 3 other children.

This reason I am posting all the details is that I am completely at a loss. We do not use corporal punishment (don't care to debate it either) and focus instead on time outs and loss of privileges. We use a reward chart to track his good behavior with hopes of encouraging him to choose wisely. However, it has been useless to a degree as he does just the bare minimum to avoid removal of all privileges (Privileges meaning: 30 mins on the computer, play dates, games with mom, dad or sibling, etc).

So please mom's advise what to do with this child???

by on Oct. 29, 2013 at 8:28 PM
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Replies (1-10):
mjimaging
by Melissa on Oct. 29, 2013 at 8:36 PM
Our daughter was similar. We just had to did the one thing that she liked the most. For her, it's food. So if we threatened being grounded, it might take her 3 months to clean her room. If we told her she wouldn't get dinner, it was done that afternoon. She loves food. Still does. Find what he enjoys most of all and threaten the removal of it.
melibee
by on Oct. 29, 2013 at 8:40 PM

Finding what bothers him is a huge problem...seriously every single thing we take away or remove has ZERO impact. We have stripped his room of all toys, no television, no computer time, no friends, no outside, early bedtimes, no snacks, no outtings with the family, etc. We have tried everything and nothing works...

Quoting mjimaging:

Our daughter was similar. We just had to did the one thing that she liked the most. For her, it's food. So if we threatened being grounded, it might take her 3 months to clean her room. If we told her she wouldn't get dinner, it was done that afternoon. She loves food. Still does. Find what he enjoys most of all and threaten the removal of it.


mjimaging
by Melissa on Oct. 29, 2013 at 8:47 PM
It took us a while to fight it out. Our daughter also had to go to bed very early. Her doctor kept moving her bed time up, he said she needed the sleep. It eliminated a lot of poor behavior.


Quoting melibee:

Finding what bothers him is a huge problem...seriously every single thing we take away or remove has ZERO impact. We have stripped his room of all toys, no television, no computer time, no friends, no outside, early bedtimes, no snacks, no outtings with the family, etc. We have tried everything and nothing works...

Quoting mjimaging:

Our daughter was similar. We just had to did the one thing that she liked the most. For her, it's food. So if we threatened being grounded, it might take her 3 months to clean her room. If we told her she wouldn't get dinner, it was done that afternoon. She loves food. Still does. Find what he enjoys most of all and threaten the removal of it.



Sister_Someone
by Member on Oct. 29, 2013 at 8:59 PM


But ONLY if you're absolutely sure you could actually go through with the threatened action, if push comes to shove. If you threaten something and don't do it even after he disobeys, that will just give him more wind.

Quoting mjimaging:

Our daughter was similar. We just had to did the one thing that she liked the most. For her, it's food. So if we threatened being grounded, it might take her 3 months to clean her room. If we told her she wouldn't get dinner, it was done that afternoon. She loves food. Still does. Find what he enjoys most of all and threaten the removal of it.



mjimaging
by Melissa on Oct. 29, 2013 at 9:28 PM
Yes, following through is key.


Quoting Sister_Someone:


But ONLY if you're absolutely sure you could actually go through with the threatened action, if push comes to shove. If you threaten something and don't do it even after he disobeys, that will just give him more wind.


Quoting mjimaging:

Our daughter was similar. We just had to did the one thing that she liked the most. For her, it's food. So if we threatened being grounded, it might take her 3 months to clean her room. If we told her she wouldn't get dinner, it was done that afternoon. She loves food. Still does. Find what he enjoys most of all and threaten the removal of it.





12yrmama
by Bronze Member on Oct. 29, 2013 at 9:29 PM

Yup. Just keep going until you find what works for him. It's not that unusual. He's just testing you, that happens at every age!

My son needed every toy removed from his room. EVERY. TOY. Then he slowly earned them back a few at a time. Just follow thru! When you hit the hit the right consequence you'll know, be prepared for tears and screaming.

Knightquester
by on Oct. 29, 2013 at 10:30 PM

It sounds like much of his reaction to punishment is his personality, but really since he will proceed to do things even after saying "no", then he's not as difficult as he could be.  If it makes you feel better I have long since learned that even though a child says it doesn't bother them that you're doing x, y, z to them, that it actually often does.  In most cases their way of getting back at you is by pretending that they aren't bothered.

It sounds like it could also be a phase that he's going through.  Most children around age 6 go through a rebellious phase where they are more defiant than normal.  It sounds like your discipline is not over done or too lenient so I say stick with it, and make sure you mean what you say, kids can see right through empty threats.

Hopefully it's just a phase and he'll snap out of it... then you'll have age 9 to look forward to ^_^

melibee
by on Oct. 30, 2013 at 7:58 AM

We follow through every time he is disciplined. We do not however address every single rebellious action of his. For example when I am preparing dinner or assisting older children with homework and he chooses to run "poke the bear" so to speak I typically remind him of his manners and give him something of his own to work on. So he will then proceed to work on his lil project all the while spouting off at the mouth with rude comments. I do not address the rude comments because I am busy at the moment. Frankly if I was to address each action he would be in trouble every 15 minutes...SERIOUSLY! I just need this behavior to stop!!!!

Quoting Sister_Someone:


But ONLY if you're absolutely sure you could actually go through with the threatened action, if push comes to shove. If you threaten something and don't do it even after he disobeys, that will just give him more wind.

Quoting mjimaging:

Our daughter was similar. We just had to did the one thing that she liked the most. For her, it's food. So if we threatened being grounded, it might take her 3 months to clean her room. If we told her she wouldn't get dinner, it was done that afternoon. She loves food. Still does. Find what he enjoys most of all and threaten the removal of it.




Sister_Someone
by Member on Oct. 30, 2013 at 8:27 AM


Actually, come to think of it, you may be on to something without even realizing it. Unless he's outright causing harm to his siblings or someone else, leave him be, Ignore him altogether. Acting out is a shriek for attention, more often than not, from my experience. Maybe if you show him that rudeness won't get him anywhere, he'll realize it's pointless and stop.

Another idea would be to imitate him. For example, if he breaks something, you say "Oh that's okay, I hated that anyway, I wanted you to break it". Imitating seemed to do the job rather quickly with Neal (my son).

Quoting melibee:

We follow through every time he is disciplined. We do not however address every single rebellious action of his. For example when I am preparing dinner or assisting older children with homework and he chooses to run "poke the bear" so to speak I typically remind him of his manners and give him something of his own to work on. So he will then proceed to work on his lil project all the while spouting off at the mouth with rude comments. I do not address the rude comments because I am busy at the moment. Frankly if I was to address each action he would be in trouble every 15 minutes...SERIOUSLY! I just need this behavior to stop!!!!

Quoting Sister_Someone:


But ONLY if you're absolutely sure you could actually go through with the threatened action, if push comes to shove. If you threaten something and don't do it even after he disobeys, that will just give him more wind.

Quoting mjimaging:

Our daughter was similar. We just had to did the one thing that she liked the most. For her, it's food. So if we threatened being grounded, it might take her 3 months to clean her room. If we told her she wouldn't get dinner, it was done that afternoon. She loves food. Still does. Find what he enjoys most of all and threaten the removal of it.






countrymomma81
by Platinum Member on Oct. 30, 2013 at 8:36 AM

Ooh, that sounds exactly like my son. He's 11 now and just starting to grow out of it. We had him on Vyvanse for ADHD which helped the fidgeting and other stuff but we still just had to deal with the attitude. He wasn't (and still isn't) afraid of my DH or I, nor does he respect us much. It's getting better now but we still have a way to go. I actually have an appointment for him with a counselor next week. 

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