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Moms of 8 to 11 year olds.....

Posted by on Jan. 27, 2014 at 10:13 AM
  • 72 Replies

Ok so I am having an ungoing argument with my DH (who is DD's stepfather) who thinks that I wait on DD too much and am too on top of things with her.   DD is 10 years old.   He keeps comparing to when we were little, I say times have changed.  And I don't know what to do here.  Who's right ? who's wrong or is it a bit of both.

  • I still make her lunches
  • I sit down with her for homework everynight  (she sucks at time management and is dyslexic)
  • I still make her snacks and fetch her drinks if asked (she also does it herself, but for me if my child asks me for a glass of milk my reflex is to do it not to tell her to get it herself)
  • I drive her to friend's house for playdates (i do not arrange them)
  • I still tuck her in at night (she is very insistent on that)
  • I make her bed only when I wash her bedding (she makes-up her bed daily)
  • she totally lacks organization of any kind so I do manage her time for homework and chores
  • I don't spend a lot of time with her as I work full time and then
  • I do her laundry (clean dry & fold) she puts her laundry away
  • she cleans her own room
  • she will do other chores around the house if asked.

My husband calls me 2 steps away from being a helicopter parent and finds that I do too much with her and for her. I am a mom and I take my role seriously, I don't get moms that had kids just to have them fend for themselves all the time or put them to work like they owe you room and board.  To me you get to be a kid once and the rest of your life to live through the daily BS. I do not want my kid up my skirts all the time.  But am I supposed to tell her all of a sudden "OK I'm not tucking you in anymore, you're old enough" to me screams "I can't be bothered anymore"

 

by on Jan. 27, 2014 at 10:13 AM
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Replies (1-10):
vash77
by on Jan. 27, 2014 at 10:17 AM

Your husband is a bit of an A-hole. Nothing wrong with you. Only him. What a jerk. Your daughter must not be biologically his? What a dick.

katiebug840204
by Silver Member on Jan. 27, 2014 at 10:17 AM
My kids fold and put away their own laundry. They also fix their own lunches and drinks. If they ask to be tucked in I will do it but usually they don't ask. I don't time manage my kids home work and chores but I do make sure they do it because they also suck at making sure it's done. I do not, however stay on their butts about it. I remind them once. If they don't do it, then it's their bad grade, not mine.
Jinxed8
by Gold Member on Jan. 27, 2014 at 10:30 AM

 ages?

Quoting katiebug840204: My kids fold and put away their own laundry. They also fix their own lunches and drinks. If they ask to be tucked in I will do it but usually they don't ask. I don't time manage my kids home work and chores but I do make sure they do it because they also suck at making sure it's done. I do not, however stay on their butts about it. I remind them once. If they don't do it, then it's their bad grade, not mine.

 

Jinxed8
by Gold Member on Jan. 27, 2014 at 10:33 AM

 a-hole may be a strong term.  No he is not her biological father but he is her predominant father figure for the past 3 years, he does take really good care of her on a daily basis as he's the one to welcome her home from school everyday.  We just come from very different upbringings and we butt heads when it comes to DD.  ON the other hand it cracks me up how he says I wait on her too much but holy hell I wait a lot on him too ...

Quoting vash77:

Your husband is a bit of an A-hole. Nothing wrong with you. Only him. What a jerk. Your daughter must not be biologically his? What a dick.

 

lalasmama2007
by Ticia on Jan. 27, 2014 at 10:36 AM

I don't have a problem with most of these, but my dd who is almost 7 makes most of her own snacks and knows better than to ask me to get her a drink.  

MomAmy77
by Member on Jan. 27, 2014 at 10:39 AM

My sons are same age and I do it all . They have a list of things then need to do like garbage , clean their rooms and clean up their plate after dinner and put in dishwasher but I let them be a kid and play . Their homework has even me frustrated I need a break after too 

mcginnisc
by Bronze Member on Jan. 27, 2014 at 10:44 AM
1 mom liked this
My oldest is 8.
I make her lunches for school as I am making her little sister's and it makes sense to do them at the same time.
When she gets home from school, I have a rule that all homework must be completed immediately. She gets a snack and does her homework.
We do not do play dates as we have extracurriculars 6 days a week.
I change her sheets as she has a bunk bed that is a pain in the tush to make, but she will straighten it daily...she cleans her room. Lilly puts away her laundry, but knows how to wash, dry and fold it as well. As a matter of fact she did 2 loads of laundry for me yesterday as I was painting the bathroom ceiling all day.
Jinxed8
by Gold Member on Jan. 27, 2014 at 10:47 AM

 Same here, she cleans her own room, makes her bed, puts her dirty laundry in the hamper and takes care of her clean laundry, empties her trash. puts her dirty dishes in the sink, takes care of her lunch box when she comes home from school.  She helps me put away groceries, and does other tasks if asked it's just not expected of her.

Quoting MomAmy77:

My sons are same age and I do it all . They have a list of things then need to do like garbage , clean their rooms and clean up their plate after dinner and put in dishwasher but I let them be a kid and play . Their homework has even me frustrated I need a break after too 

 

_Meg_
by on Jan. 27, 2014 at 11:44 AM

We have 4 kiddos (DD-8, DS-9, DD-10, DD-11)...the three oldest are my SO's and the youngest is mine. Right now, only my DD lives with us (but his DS will be living with us after he finishes this school year, and SO's kids visit every holiday and for the whole summer.

That being said...

--I still make school lunches for my daughter, who is 8...and I tend to make all lunches for all the kids when they're all here. I mostly do it to avoid cross-contamination of gluten (of which I can't have due to having Celiac disease). If I could absolutely trust that all of the kids could handle the foods in the kitchen properly so that the foods don't get cross contaminated with gluten, then I would actually allow them to make simple lunches for themselves if they wanted. But I do actually love making food for all of them and serving them. I don't think you're wrong for making lunches for your DD, but maybe you could also start teaching her how to make simple lunches for herself? Doesn't mean you have to stop making her lunch altogether, but it is just useful information for kids to have (I do let my kids make simple lunches when I am able to supervise them to make sure that nothing gets CC, as I mentioned before...yes, my stupid gluten issues are a bummer, lol)

--My daughter is usually really good about doing homework on her own, but I am always immediately on-call for help if she needs it, and I always check her work when she's done to make sure that it's fully completed and that she understood how to do the assignment. I don't think you are wrong at all for helping your daughter out with homework when she needs it, as long as you aren't doing the work for her or feeding her the answers. Especially considering she has some issues that need a little extra help (and I know how that goes, my DD-8 and DS-9 both have sensory issues and can sometimes easily get distracted). 

--I have the same exact natural instinct to just get and do whatever my kids ask for. None of them are ungrateful at all, so that isn't an issue...but I do have that habit of just doing whatever they ask for help with. I am getting MUCH better, though, at letting them know they can get their own snacks and drinks and stuff like that. And when I tell them they can get their own, none of them ever give me any attitude over it, they're all cool with doing it themselves. 

--We still drive or walk our kids wherever they want to go. I wouldn't let them just walk on their own, especially not by themself, nooo way. So yeah, you're right in driving your daughter places and not allowing her to walk alone. 

--I still have a bedtime routine with my DD also, and when all four of the kids are here I do the same. I feel it's important to tell the kids goodnight and make sure they're comfortable. Why not? Why would it be a bad thing to have a sweet bedtime routine with your child?

--I do the same with the beds here. I wash the sheets and make the beds ONLY when I am putting fresh sheets on the beds. Otherwise, they all make their own beds every morning. Again, not sure what your DH's issue is with that? 

--I teach my kids to manage time themselves, but I do give prompting/nudging when necessary to help keep them on track. They're still young and learning!

--I wash ALL laundry here for everyone. I also fold and hang and put away. However, I do understand the importance of teaching kids to do this, so sometimes I will ask the kids to help me with laundry, as a pre-starter to teaching them to do it themselves. I still don't think they are all totally able to do it themselves, but the two oldest are 10 and 11 and I will be allowing them to wash their clothes themselves starting this summer. 

--My kids all clean up after themselves. They are responsible for their own things. My daughter has been cleaning up after herself since she was 2, though...she's always enjoyed it for some reason, lol...she likes the way a room looks when it's picked up and she feels accomplished. 


I think it'd be safe for me to assume your DH doesn't have kids of his own? Also, I do find that parents of only children do tend to do things for their child longer than parents with multiples. Not as a RULE, but I find this is often the case. And I'm saying this as a mom who had an only child for many years and now has multiple children. It's a lot easier to get into the habit of doing everything for one child than when you have multiple kids...because when you have 4, you quickly realize you are only ONE person and you only have two arms and two legs and one brain, lol...so you kind of do realize quicker the mentality of, "Hey, it's probably time to start teaching the kids how to do some of this stuff themselves"....PLUS, at the ages between 8-11, it's a great time for them to start learning to be a little more independant and self-sufficient and it helps them feel great about themselves to know that they CAN do these things. Doesn't mean they have to do everything themself suddenly or that you have to stop doing all of that for them...but it's a great age to start them off, teaching them and guiding them, preparing them for in a couple years when they will be able to do these things totally on their own. 

You sound like a good mom, like a really loving and caring mom. Your daughter will benefit from your love...and by teaching her to do for herself, she will appreciate that as well.

Pukalani79
by Kris on Jan. 27, 2014 at 11:50 AM

 My youngest (9) loves to be tucked in.  She likes that Mommy time and I'm happy to give it to her.  Looking at your list, there's just a couple of things that I do differently.  My kids (9, 10, 12) make their own lunches most of the time and they usually get their own snacks/drinks.  I will if I'm in the kitchen area, just like they'd do the same for me or their siblings, but if not, they take care of it. 

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