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Am I overreacting?

Posted by on Jun. 26, 2014 at 2:21 PM
  • 23 Replies

I've posted this before but I'm going to try to explain it better. My dh has an ex-gf he's been talking to over Facebook. They've been talking once a month for years because her ex-husband hated and didn't trust mine. No reason there, he just didn't like my husband. Now she's decided to divorce her husband and has been talking to mine almost everyday for the last two weeks. This bothers me......a lot and I've told both of them I wasn't comfortable with them chatting so much. My dh doesn't have a lot of friends, probably about 2 and she is one of them. I was monitoring their cht messages through Facebook and caught them flirting a lot. I had a long discussion with my dh about the chat messages and we agreed about certain rules that needed to be set. We let her know and so far they have been keeping to the rules except 1. I requested that they not talk everyday but they have been. My dh gave me permission to view their chat messages on Facebook anytime I wanted but I still feel insecure. I know they just want to be friends but I can't help being jealous over them talking to each other. In my opinion, he should be talking to me, since our marriage isn't as secure as I would like. I've viewed their messages and it's just plain chatting. I told my dh today that I would be happy if they didn't talk at all and he responded "if you told me I couldn't do something, I would do it anyway to prove you wrong." Basically meaning I'm stuck with them chatting. He's always had that mindset so I've known that from the beginning, which is why I requested they only talk a few times a week. Am I overreacting with this? Everyone else I talk to tell me I'm not and that he shouldn't be talking to his ex but if it's just harmless chatting, is it really wrong!? What do you think? Anyone help and thanks for reading my vent.......

by on Jun. 26, 2014 at 2:21 PM
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Replies (1-10):
incogNinja
by Bronze Member on Jun. 26, 2014 at 2:25 PM
I'm sorry , he's in the wrong as far as my opinion goes. I don't tolerate that, and neither would my husband of me. That sort of relationship is only setting up all involved for heartache
Rust.n.Gears
by Member on Jun. 26, 2014 at 2:26 PM
I think that's exactly why my brother left his wife. He was sick of being treated like a child. He wanted to be treated as he deserved. Marriage is about love and trust. She's going through a hard time and you could be there for her but your too in your own head to do that. You should go to marriage counseling. This isn't healthy. My husband is friends with his ex too. They talk every day. But I talk with her every day too. I have nothing to worry about. I married a great guy. He wouldn't just ditch a friend.
christina122952
by on Jun. 26, 2014 at 2:30 PM
I am sorry and he is in wrong. You are not overreacting.
diaperstodating
by Angel on Jun. 26, 2014 at 2:36 PM
Quoting christina122952: I am sorry and he is in wrong. You are not overreacting.
christina122952
by on Jun. 26, 2014 at 2:37 PM
Its blank

Quoting diaperstodating:
Quoting christina122952: I am sorry and he is in wrong. You are not overreacting.
barrelracer1699
by Member on Jun. 26, 2014 at 2:39 PM

I don't see the problem if they are doing nothing more than talking! 

Briesmom38
by Gold Member on Jun. 26, 2014 at 2:45 PM
1 mom liked this

I'm sorry you can't be "friends" with someone you've seen naked!  My SO and I both believe that, and that is why neither of us speak to any of our ex's.  First of all they are an ex for a reason and second of all, why go there!

I'm sorry they are both in the wrong...  But since he's your husband he should show you the respect that you deserve and stop talking to her, especially since he knows how you feel about it.

He sounds like a five year old saying that he's going to so something knowing you don't want him to do it.  If my SO ever said something like that to me, I'd show him the door.  I don't take any type of crap like that, there's no reason for it.

** It's 5 O'clock Somewhere **

BMM0508
by Member on Jun. 26, 2014 at 2:51 PM
If it were harmless he wouldnt be so defensive about it. No you are not overreacting and yes he is in the wrong.
san33
by New Member on Jun. 26, 2014 at 2:59 PM
Personally it would really bother me if I gelt like my guy was closer to an ex than he was to me. But I am a very suspicious person, so my opinion shouldn't really count. It's something I am working on. The thing is that it doesn't matter if you are overreacting or not. You have spoken to him about it being an issue for you and you have spoken to her about it causing a problem in your marriage. To me that isn't a very good friend if she is willing to hurt his marriage. It's not like you are saying stay away, just tone it down. And that should be respected from both of them. And he should have respect for you as his wife that when something is bothering you, no matter how silly he thinks it is, he should address it. If he thinks the guidelines are unfair or needs worked on then he should speak up not tell you deal with it. If it is honestly a big deal then you shouldn't just let it go. Our instincts are there for a reason.
IQuitCounting
by Bronze Member on Jun. 26, 2014 at 3:00 PM
2 moms liked this

Here's how I see it.  You can push and push and eventually push him away, in which case you're going to blame yourself, and so will he.  Or you can leave it be and if he's going to stray it's all on him.  You've been honest, you've set boundaries, now you have to trust him.  He's broken one rule, that's one strike, let him know how that if he can break one rule right out of the gate, that's obviously going to make you trust him less.  He would do the same if the tables were turned.  But don't badger, it won't help.

Do I agree that he should be doing what he's doing?  No, especially since he knows how much it makes you uncomfortable.  But that's a flaw in him, and you can't change him.  He has to want to be a better person, a better husband, before that's going to happen.  You have to ask yourself if this is something that's worth risking your marriage over.  We can't tell you if it is, only you can.

Personally the attitude of "if you told me I couldn't do something, I would do it anyway to prove you wrong," would be an issue for me in general.  Spite is a immature expression of emotion and just makes him an ass in my opinion.  I'd look at my husband like he was a fool if he ever said that to me.  Of course he also knows the difference between me asking him not to do something and me telling him not to.  I get the feeling your husband doesn't.

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