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DH lives in the Garage

Posted by on Jul. 28, 2014 at 8:15 AM
  • 13 Replies

My husband and I have four children between the both of us. We have been together for 7 years and married 5 years. Him and I get along pretty good. The problem that I can't seem to solve is his avoidance towards the kids. He stays out in "his" garage were the kids aren't allowed. I am welcome to hang out with him out there but when the kids follow me he yells at them to get out.  I think they just want to spend some daddy time with him.  Do other dads act like this? How can I get him more involved? Should I stop going out there as if he isn't home? 

by on Jul. 28, 2014 at 8:15 AM
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Replies (1-10):
MaineMammax2
by Bronze Member on Jul. 28, 2014 at 8:24 AM
2 moms liked this
How old are your kids? Have you talked to him about it? I know sometimes I would love to have a space that's just for me, no kids allowed. Is he stressed at work? There could be a million and one reasons for his behavior. Having a heart to heart may bring the problem to light.
kajira
by Member on Jul. 28, 2014 at 8:24 AM
1 mom liked this

I Would sit down and explain how the kids are hurting and he needs to spend some bonding time with them. It's a simple concept, if he doesn't want them in his private space that's one thing, not ever coming out of it to spend time with them is another and you need to talk to him about that part of it.

peacehopelove
by New Member on Jul. 28, 2014 at 8:29 AM

The kids are 13, 10, 4. and 15mths. I have talked him about this and he just brushes the conversation off. He has a physically intense job which leaves him tired at night. I will try again to talk to him. 

Quoting MaineMammax2: How old are your kids? Have you talked to him about it? I know sometimes I would love to have a space that's just for me, no kids allowed. Is he stressed at work? There could be a million and one reasons for his behavior. Having a heart to heart may bring the problem to light.


kajira
by Member on Jul. 28, 2014 at 8:34 AM
1 mom liked this

Then he needs to pick a day or two a week to focus on his family and spend time with the kids. the older 2 are more then old enough to learn how to work on cars, or do something bonding with dad. The younger two, even if he just played catch, or trucks, or watched a movie with them.. something that put some effort into them to show them he cares.

My husband works lots of hours and it's a physically taxing job and he always makes time for our family. I understand being tired and needing a bit of a break, but theres a compromise that could be met in there somewhere. 

Quoting peacehopelove:

The kids are 13, 10, 4. and 15mths. I have talked him about this and he just brushes the conversation off. He has a physically intense job which leaves him tired at night. I will try again to talk to him. 

Quoting MaineMammax2: How old are your kids? Have you talked to him about it? I know sometimes I would love to have a space that's just for me, no kids allowed. Is he stressed at work? There could be a million and one reasons for his behavior. Having a heart to heart may bring the problem to light.



peacehopelove
by New Member on Jul. 28, 2014 at 8:43 AM

Good advise. Your post has me pumped up to confront him on this issue with some great ideas on how he can dedicate his time for his family. Feeling like I should wright out a schedule for him lol that might be to far. I really hope he just listens and starts being here for them.

Quoting kajira:

Then he needs to pick a day or two a week to focus on his family and spend time with the kids. the older 2 are more then old enough to learn how to work on cars, or do something bonding with dad. The younger two, even if he just played catch, or trucks, or watched a movie with them.. something that put some effort into them to show them he cares.

My husband works lots of hours and it's a physically taxing job and he always makes time for our family. I understand being tired and needing a bit of a break, but theres a compromise that could be met in there somewhere. 

Quoting peacehopelove:

The kids are 13, 10, 4. and 15mths. I have talked him about this and he just brushes the conversation off. He has a physically intense job which leaves him tired at night. I will try again to talk to him. 

Quoting MaineMammax2: How old are your kids? Have you talked to him about it? I know sometimes I would love to have a space that's just for me, no kids allowed. Is he stressed at work? There could be a million and one reasons for his behavior. Having a heart to heart may bring the problem to light.



kajira
by Member on Jul. 28, 2014 at 8:49 AM
1 mom liked this

If he's that tired, do a pizza and movie night for him and the kids, where they sit around with popcorn, movies, pizza and just hang out with dad - you could do that once a week.

For the younger kids, he could spend a couple of hours playing legos or trucks/cars or something once a week. 

tha'ts a total of 4-6 hours per week, less then 1 hour per day if he were to split it up. Sometimes it's more important that they have bigger memories once a week of their dad, then a few minutes every day with a really tired grumpy dad. I get he's tired, so it may be easier for him if he just focus's on it as a big event kind of a deal and does it 2x a week in a couple hour chunk with each age group of kids. That way it's split up enough he gets a bit of a break too.

I still don't totally understand the needing a break from your kids thing - but I'm trying to think of a compromise that would work. I don't like my kids touching my computer or hoovering in my personal space either, so I understand that, but I'd never just ignore them no matter how exhausted I am.... if my kids want my attention, even if I say "give me 15 minutes" I'll make sure they get what they need, and wanting time with their parents is such a temporary thing in life, pretty soon they'll be off on their own and not really care anymore. The time when they are young and want to spend time with mom and dad goes by pretty fast.


Quoting peacehopelove:

Good advise. Your post has me pumped up to confront him on this issue with some great ideas on how he can dedicate his time for his family. Feeling like I should wright out a schedule for him lol that might be to far. I really hope he just listens and starts being here for them.

Quoting kajira:

Then he needs to pick a day or two a week to focus on his family and spend time with the kids. the older 2 are more then old enough to learn how to work on cars, or do something bonding with dad. The younger two, even if he just played catch, or trucks, or watched a movie with them.. something that put some effort into them to show them he cares.

My husband works lots of hours and it's a physically taxing job and he always makes time for our family. I understand being tired and needing a bit of a break, but theres a compromise that could be met in there somewhere. 

Quoting peacehopelove:

The kids are 13, 10, 4. and 15mths. I have talked him about this and he just brushes the conversation off. He has a physically intense job which leaves him tired at night. I will try again to talk to him. 

Quoting MaineMammax2: How old are your kids? Have you talked to him about it? I know sometimes I would love to have a space that's just for me, no kids allowed. Is he stressed at work? There could be a million and one reasons for his behavior. Having a heart to heart may bring the problem to light.




peacehopelove
by New Member on Jul. 28, 2014 at 9:05 AM

That is a very reasonable plan that should work.  Besides who couldn't fit less than one hour a day into their schedule for their cchildren. He needs to understand cchildren need time with parents. I dedicate my time to the kids everyday whether it be a big day or just hanging out around the house. Alone time is needed but come on already this is ridicule's. I didn't get married to be a single mom. Thanks for the great tips. 

Quoting kajira:

If he's that tired, do a pizza and movie night for him and the kids, where they sit around with popcorn, movies, pizza and just hang out with dad - you could do that once a week.

For the younger kids, he could spend a couple of hours playing legos or trucks/cars or something once a week. 

tha'ts a total of 4-6 hours per week, less then 1 hour per day if he were to split it up. Sometimes it's more important that they have bigger memories once a week of their dad, then a few minutes every day with a really tired grumpy dad. I get he's tired, so it may be easier for him if he just focus's on it as a big event kind of a deal and does it 2x a week in a couple hour chunk with each age group of kids. That way it's split up enough he gets a bit of a break too.

I still don't totally understand the needing a break from your kids thing - but I'm trying to think of a compromise that would work. I don't like my kids touching my computer or hoovering in my personal space either, so I understand that, but I'd never just ignore them no matter how exhausted I am.... if my kids want my attention, even if I say "give me 15 minutes" I'll make sure they get what they need, and wanting time with their parents is such a temporary thing in life, pretty soon they'll be off on their own and not really care anymore. The time when they are young and want to spend time with mom and dad goes by pretty fast.

Quoting peacehopelove:

Good advise. Your post has me pumped up to confront him on this issue with some great ideas on how he can dedicate his time for his family. Feeling like I should wright out a schedule for him lol that might be to far. I really hope he just listens and starts being here for them.

Quoting kajira:

Then he needs to pick a day or two a week to focus on his family and spend time with the kids. the older 2 are more then old enough to learn how to work on cars, or do something bonding with dad. The younger two, even if he just played catch, or trucks, or watched a movie with them.. something that put some effort into them to show them he cares.

My husband works lots of hours and it's a physically taxing job and he always makes time for our family. I understand being tired and needing a bit of a break, but theres a compromise that could be met in there somewhere. 

Quoting peacehopelove:

The kids are 13, 10, 4. and 15mths. I have talked him about this and he just brushes the conversation off. He has a physically intense job which leaves him tired at night. I will try again to talk to him. 

Quoting MaineMammax2: How old are your kids? Have you talked to him about it? I know sometimes I would love to have a space that's just for me, no kids allowed. Is he stressed at work? There could be a million and one reasons for his behavior. Having a heart to heart may bring the problem to light.




mjimaging
by Melissa on Jul. 28, 2014 at 1:23 PM
Good luck. Sounds like you got some good advice. My DH spends time with them every day. He reads their bedtime story, sings them a song and puts them to bed every night and spends all day Friday alone with the boys. Then we share the weekend but we are all together.
clairewait
by Bronze Member on Jul. 28, 2014 at 8:14 PM

Ugh. That's tough.

I agree that it probably isn't "normal" or healthy - who knows how common it is. Our society is kind of messed up in general, so I try not to use "common" in place of "normal."

Definitely would encourage a heart-to-heart. I'd also be demanding a change, however I could get one. I'm kind of a spoiled mama though... my husband is pretty outstanding.

Hugs to you. And good luck.

Sigmalade
by Member on Jul. 28, 2014 at 9:55 PM

I don't have this problem, but dh does have a mancave. There are no toys, crying, or whining allowed in the mancave. Ds also can not go into the mancave without his dad. Those are the rules. He is five and they do go in there together to play games, exercise, talk, and tonight they did homework. Maybe you should talk to your dh about spending time with the kids and find something they can do together like build a birdhouse or do daily 10 minute walks. 

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