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How do I get over this!?

Posted by on Aug. 15, 2014 at 9:10 AM
  • 13 Replies

Ths happened back in january and I'm more mad at myself that I'm still getting upset over this. My birthday is in January and I was turning 30. My husband had made a big deal about me turning 30, saying he was going to have a big suprise and we were going to make a big deal over it. So I got myself all excited over that, having never really had a real "party" and what not. The day comes, and he spent the entire day playing video games with his friends, and even had it turned on in the background while we had supper. I spent the entire day taking care of our kids and cleaning the house. I thought maybe he planned a suprise in the next few weeks or so. But january comes and goes and nothing. Then Valenties Day I thought he'd make up for it, but instead we argued the whole day (I can't remember over what...) and then Mother's Day he decides to pick a huge fight with my dad at the restaurant and walk out. I spent that entire day crying and telling him that he couldn't give me this ONE day. As I type I'm thinking that this is really selfish of me to be upset over not getting any special treatment, but I also stayed home with our kids for 2 years while he went out with friends and worked and came and went as he pleased. I thought I derserved a little something special on MY days. Just 2 days out of the year was all I was asking. 

Anyways, his father's birthay is this Saturday and he's talking about how they're throwing him a huge party with a slide show and he'll be singing him all kinds of songs and really make a big deal out of it. And it upsets me. I know I'm being selfish 'cause all I can think is why couldn't you make something even half this size for me? The problem is that I just can't seem to get over it. And I don't want to feel this way. I've tried just getting over it but I still find myself getting upset every so often. And he knows why I'm upset, we have talked about it. Has anyone else ever had this issue, and how did you deal with it? It's been well over 6 months, I shouldn't still be feeling this way should I? What do I do?! 

by on Aug. 15, 2014 at 9:10 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Flaca43
by Gold Member on Aug. 15, 2014 at 10:08 AM
I'm so sorry. I know you must feel pretty bad and it's ok. I think you should try talking to him again, let him know how hurt you are and let him know how you feel about gim going out of his way to throw a huge thing for his Dad and not you, when he said he was going to. Try not to take it out on the Dad though, as it wasn't his fault. Try not to do this while you are angry though as you might not get anywhere with your point.
Maybe you can still have some big thing for your birthday though, you're still 30! Do something great and have fun!😊 Tell him he still has a chance to make it up to you.😉
Sigmalade
by Member on Aug. 15, 2014 at 12:12 PM
2 moms liked this

Take yourself out. Leave him with the kids and get a friend and go out one night. Then, tell him he has to schedule date time with you because you are upset about being on the back burner. I am sorry your feelings are hurt. Sometimes you just have to remind people to treat you better. 

emarin77
by Bronze Member on Aug. 15, 2014 at 12:28 PM

I would discuss how you feel with your husband.  Never keep horrible feelings to yourself.

gkcathey
by on Aug. 15, 2014 at 12:56 PM
3 moms liked this

I don't think you have to get over anything - but I do think it's time to really look at your relationship with your husband.  This isn't really about your birthday or Mother's Day - this is really about him respecting your feelings, cherishing you, ensuring that you know that you are special to him and important.  Right now, you're feeling pretty insignificant and unimportant to him - the video games were important enough to command his attention on your birthday, weren't they?  And his father certainly  sounds important enough to warrant this much attention to detail and effort to make his birthday special.  What's going on that YOU aren't held in that same regard? 

If you go to him and say "you didn't do anything for my birthday", he can blow that off.  It's one day.  Mother's Day?  One day.  What you need to convey to him is how this makes you feel unimportant EVERY day.  He's your husband, he should care about this.

Jinxed8
by Gold Member on Aug. 15, 2014 at 3:16 PM

I understand the way you feel.  I feel so much resentment towards the holidays because of past experiences that I really don't like Christmas anymore or Mother's day as a matter of fact.

My XH and my bat-sh!t crazy Ex MIL ruined a lot of things for me.

IQuitCounting
by Bronze Member on Aug. 15, 2014 at 3:22 PM

It's not selfish to expect some attention from the man who is supposed to be putting you before all others.  Talk to him about it.  The simple fact is you teach others how to treat you.  If you're always letting it go, if you've spent the last few years doing this, then you've set a precedent.  Hell, throw yourself a party on your next birthday.  Take control, invite who you want, and make it what you want.  Maybe if he sees that he'll get the hint... maybe not, but at least  you'll have a good time!

MomMomMomMama
by New Member on Aug. 16, 2014 at 8:15 AM

The pain isn't as shallow as not getting a birthday party or attention on mother's day - it is the deeper issue of not feeling valued or appreciated.  My ex-husband was similar and it was horrible.  My DH is amazing and makes me feel valued and appreciated and insists my/our children so as well - every night, no fail, they tell me "Thanks for cooking dinner, mom" or he'll call from work and say "thanks for packing a lunch for me, it was really good".  And really, that's what we want, right?  Appreciation!  And men are the same way.  My DH was married once before too and she was about as ungrateful as a woman could get - more concerned with putting on a show for her family and friends, then about what really matters in life...sad. 

momto3B
by on Aug. 16, 2014 at 8:31 AM

You are not being selfish, your husband is a bit of an immature and insenstive jerk.  I sincerely doubt that he is going to throw a party for his father this late in the game - and much like he did with you - all talk and no action. 

I think there is a lot more going on with your DH's behavior then just poor party planning skills. 

KylesMom409
by Linnette on Aug. 16, 2014 at 9:06 AM
I agree 100%.

Quoting Sigmalade:

Take yourself out. Leave him with the kids and get a friend and go out one night. Then, tell him he has to schedule date time with you because you are upset about being on the back burner. I am sorry your feelings are hurt. Sometimes you just have to remind people to treat you better. 

SweetMama823
by Bronze Member on Aug. 16, 2014 at 9:47 AM
I don't blame you. I'd be upset too. He had your birthday and Mother's Day to make it special for you and he didn't. Put no effort into anything for you at all. It's a big deal to us. Those are our only days throughout the whole year. With his dads birthday I'm sure the rest of his family got together to plan this party. But just make the best of it. Be happy for his dad. Next yr I guess I would talk to him a month before your birthday and help him plan what you want to do.
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