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Im married to an alcoholic

Posted by on Aug. 8, 2015 at 1:11 AM
  • 9 Replies
And my situation is much better than my sisters.

I dont know if I'm making a big deal out of this. Here is what I absolutely HATE and dh knows this because I've told him PLENTY of times. I dont like drunks. I dont even like alcohol anymore. I dont like it when he comes home even buzzed. I just dont. At the beginning it was both of us occasional drinkers but I've been sober 4 years and he, on the other hand, went from drinking maybe once a month and only 2-3 beers tops to drinking EVERY weekend to the point of him passing out a lot of times. He said he'd go to rehab. He did but quit after the 2nd session. He makes promises that he will stop. Obvious lies. Alcoholism isn't a cold that you just get rid of. I know it. Lots of my relatives are alcoholics and their demise isn't pretty at all. Only one has managed to overcome this sickness.

Back to dh. I get angry when I so much as hear him buzzed. I know I have my own demons to fight like anger management and I'm working on it. There's been progress. I read a lot of self help books, I meditate, draw...whatever it takes for me to let out steam in a positive way. Now I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm far from it, but I TRY to better myself. Its the least I can do for my kids. I already feel guilty enough that they e had to witness ugly things from us but I'm changing that. But he doesn't even want to consider getting help. He just doesn't care. He says he loves us, he works very hard to provide for us and he has never been violent towards any of us and that's why he thinks its ok to keep getting drunk. He says that he's not bothering anyone but he doesn't get that it bothers me. He doesn't have to be violent for me to not like him drunk. He doesn't understand.

What I want to know is, am I makin this a bigger issue than what it really is? I really don't know how to guide him. For me it sort of came naturally. It's had the opposite effect on me whereas he is continuing the cycle of alcoholics. I've talked to him, not in a defensive way, but obviously that hasn't worked. What can I do?
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by on Aug. 8, 2015 at 1:11 AM
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Replies (1-9):
eyes4ears
by on Aug. 8, 2015 at 1:22 AM
2 moms liked this
You can't stop for him, nor can you make him stop. He has to really and truly want to quit. He needs to have a wake up call/ hit bottom. If he doesn't see the cause and effect he doesn't see a reason to quit.
Maybe you could temporarily set up a separate household so that he can realize that he is pushing you out and that that's what his future holds.
diaperstodating
by Queen25Princes on Aug. 8, 2015 at 1:22 AM
It is a big issue, and your husband needs help. Good luck!
CrickettyBoo
by on Aug. 8, 2015 at 1:51 AM
I honestly would love to live on my own but I can't afford it yet. I can't stay with family because they are all worse off than I am.

Quoting eyes4ears: You can't stop for him, nor can you make him stop. He has to really and truly want to quit. He needs to have a wake up call/ hit bottom. If he doesn't see the cause and effect he doesn't see a reason to quit.
Maybe you could temporarily set up a separate household so that he can realize that he is pushing you out and that that's what his future holds.
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mrsary
by Silver Member on Aug. 8, 2015 at 3:01 AM
1 mom liked this
No. Alcoholism is a HUGE issue and a death sentence. Kudos to you for 4 years of sobriety, I am at 9 months! He can't be helped until he wants the help.
joyfree
by on Aug. 8, 2015 at 5:50 AM

Alanon would be a great place for you. They help you learn how to set your own boundaries and how to not react with anger when he starts a fight so that he will feel entitled to go out and tie one on. You didn't say whether you attend AA, but I recommend it, too.

The best thing to say to him when he cries about you being such a "spoil-sport"? Try the following:

"I'm sorry that you feel that way," and follow up your own attendance at Alanon, where most meetings are kid-friendly, but be sure to provide them with a quiet form of entertainment. If they are old enough maturity-wise, Alateen will be good for them also.

I know it will help you all, and perhaps he will be inspired to change when he learns that he can't manipulate you emotionally.

The sad truth is that a lot of folks think that a life without drugs and alcohol is boring and incomplete, but they are so very wrong. His drinking buddies don't want to think of themselves as "problem drinkers" and help confirm his idea that he's just fine.

This stuff is easy on the surface, but it is NOT. It took me 4 rehabs to accept the fact that I did not and never did drink socially. After that first buzz, I drank to get that "feeling" that made me feel smarter, cooler and prettier. Sad, now that I think about it.

Many assholes deny that alcoholism is a disease because they don't know how insidious it is. Nobody starts out with the intention to become addicted. By the time they figure it out, if they are what we call "real" alcoholics/addicts, they will have a much harder time quitting.

The odds aren't the best for us, but spirituality is the real key because we try and try to direct our own show and fail spectacularly because we try to control people places and things. If you are a member of a specific faith or congregation, that is a great place for you to be, but don't expect them to know how to help you cure your husband, because it is an inside job.

Feel free to message me if you need to talk.


cuteness1979
by New Member on Aug. 8, 2015 at 7:15 AM

He drinks 2-3 beers every weekend? By definition I think that is considered an alcoholic, but I have friends that have husbands that drink that every night.  I don't think drinking 2-3 beers every weekend is that big of deal, but if it is affecting your marriage, then he should get help.  Alanon would be a great resource for you.

CrickettyBoo
by on Aug. 8, 2015 at 9:37 AM
1 mom liked this
Thank you so much.

Quoting joyfree:

Alanon would be a great place for you. They help you learn how to set your own boundaries and how to not react with anger when he starts a fight so that he will feel entitled to go out and tie one on. You didn't say whether you attend AA, but I recommend it, too.

The best thing to say to him when he cries about you being such a "spoil-sport"? Try the following:

"I'm sorry that you feel that way," and follow up your own attendance at Alanon, where most meetings are kid-friendly, but be sure to provide them with a quiet form of entertainment. If they are old enough maturity-wise, Alateen will be good for them also.

I know it will help you all, and perhaps he will be inspired to change when he learns that he can't manipulate you emotionally.

The sad truth is that a lot of folks think that a life without drugs and alcohol is boring and incomplete, but they are so very wrong. His drinking buddies don't want to think of themselves as "problem drinkers" and help confirm his idea that he's just fine.

This stuff is easy on the surface, but it is NOT. It took me 4 rehabs to accept the fact that I did not and never did drink socially. After that first buzz, I drank to get that "feeling" that made me feel smarter, cooler and prettier. Sad, now that I think about it.

Many assholes deny that alcoholism is a disease because they don't know how insidious it is. Nobody starts out with the intention to become addicted. By the time they figure it out, if they are what we call "real" alcoholics/addicts, they will have a much harder time quitting.

The odds aren't the best for us, but spirituality is the real key because we try and try to direct our own show and fail spectacularly because we try to control people places and things. If you are a member of a specific faith or congregation, that is a great place for you to be, but don't expect them to know how to help you cure your husband, because it is an inside job.

Feel free to message me if you need to talk.

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HunnyBabie
by Bronze Member on Aug. 8, 2015 at 4:18 PM
1 mom liked this
My dad was an alcoholic and he hit my mom and beat my step mom. Is easy in that case: get out before he hurts the kids.
In your case, it's harder, but it is better. Alcoholics usually start drinking to escape something, especially the ones that start slowly and build to becoming a drunk. Alcoholism isn't something someone else can guide him out of. He has to acknowledge that he's trying to escape something and what it is. Then he's got to find a healthier way to deal with it.
My DH got more and more stressed every time our relationship went to the next level and then every time I got pregnant and then had the baby, etc. He was depressed, moody, short-tempered, and ended up in the ER more than once. He finally saw his dr and find out he had high bp and started taking meds for it.
We've got a lot going on again and his bp is effecting his health again. That's how men are,especially responsible ones; they feel the responsibility of taking care of a wife and family very deeply, but they deal with it very differently than women do.
I try to find good times to talk to him calmly about things. I try to give him space when he needs it and try to help the kids learn when to give their dad some space, just like there are times when they need some space.
KylesMom409
by Linnette on Aug. 9, 2015 at 7:46 PM
I couldn't agree more.

Quoting eyes4ears: You can't stop for him, nor can you make him stop. He has to really and truly want to quit. He needs to have a wake up call/ hit bottom. If he doesn't see the cause and effect he doesn't see a reason to quit.
Maybe you could temporarily set up a separate household so that he can realize that he is pushing you out and that that's what his future holds.
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