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I am failing at being a mom!

Posted by on Jan. 4, 2018 at 11:15 AM
  • 10 Replies

I have a 12 year old daughter who I feel like I cant gain control of and I need help before I lose her!


She is failing in school, she has a bad attitude, disrespects her step father and overrides him though me, (of course I don't know that when its happening), she wont take care of her hygiene, all chores are half assed or worse then when she started.

She is obsessed with all electronics and time restrictions or not allowing them at all are nothing but a huge fight and harassment from her.

Last night I spot checked her phone and she was watching some adult cartoon on you tube! I know and need to put filters on, but what else am I missing here?

There are all kinds of problems and I have tired all I can think of - no electronics, no friends, grounded, take her favorite things away, go to her room, positive affirmation, rewards for good behavior...whats left??? Nothing!

She was born premature, 26 weeks, and had many major medical problems for the first 6 years of her life, now its not too bad. Becuase of thisher grandmother overrides me, harasses me, puts me down, and tries to victimize my child every time I try and take action.

Ladies, anything you can offer me here?



by on Jan. 4, 2018 at 11:15 AM
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Replies (1-10):
shawsa82
by New Member on Jan. 4, 2018 at 1:38 PM
7 moms liked this

Fist of all you are NOT failing.  None of us are failing even on our worst days, because we are still here trying and loving our children no matter what. 

My daughter is 12 as well and i have some of the EXACT same issues. I think it is just being 12 and all that comes with it. Then add in todays world and social media and everything else it makes it even harder to have an infulence on them and moniter what is going on. I think you are looking more to protect her and stay connected to her rather than control her. At least that is what i relate it to. I have found that taking all the screen time away helps. After the inital tantrum from my kids that is. But once they get over that all the sudden they are hanging out with us and talking. Its like they have to detox from it.  I have also used chores to make them earn the screen time. I get the chore i want done and she gets her phone. 

Unfortunatly i dont see it ending anytime soon as we are only in the beginning of the teen years. The best advice i can give is staying diligent and keep at it. And to give yourself some grace. Its hard..... REALLY hard. and there are no perfect solutions. 


Jinxed8
by Platinum Member on Jan. 4, 2018 at 2:18 PM

I will agree with shawsa82 !  You are not failing ... these are the growing pains of beig a parent to a teenage daughter, mine is 13 - soon to be 14 and I've been there too. 

Chores are not done or half assed as well or done with attitude.  I keep mine under a somewhat tight leash as far as the attitude is concerned, I monitor her social media and I have not yet either put filters on the internet access. My DD also overrides my DH (her step dad) and tends to go through me for stuff when she should be asking him first aka when she's home alone with him and asks me instead if a friend can come over.  I hear you about your mom - my DD has a severe learning dissability and I'm divorced from her bio-dad and my mom tends to shelter DD a lot under the "poor baby" clause which tends to get REALLY irritating.  Funny if we back track to when I was my DD's age to the way my mom was with me it was a whole different story but I digress.

Mine is overall a good kid though she is honest, and does well in school, she does not seem to be doing anything bad online, but in today's world where porn is 1 click away and social media rules all it's hard to keep track of everything.

Don't dispair, we're here for you.  If you're really at wit's end, have you thought about contacting a therapist ?  My sister had major issues with her son for a while and went to see a therapist who gave her some good tricks and guidance.  I also consulted with DD's school therapist for stress issues concerning the divorce and bad relationship I had with her dad and it worked great ... it's a thought.

stargazerwolf
by Member on Jan. 8, 2018 at 10:44 AM

Honestly at this point I'd have taken everything out of her room except the bed and dresser of clothes. No electronics, no friends like you said. Pretty much she'd have the option to work on chores, play outside by herself or sit in her room and think about how much of a brat she is being. She could earn back things, you can say for example if she does all her chores (and hygiene) for a week then you guys can do something fun, whether that's a movie night at home with all the snacks or going somewhere. This is pretty much where we are at with my kids, but its not bad attitudes or anything, its them forgetting their chores. It'd be even harsher of a punishment for actually acting up. At 12 I would just take away her phone and not give it back until she is more mature. Why does she need a phone at 12? The only way my kids are getting a phone is if they are home alone. We may just end up getting a land line for that.

iamcafemom83
by Bronze Member on Jan. 11, 2018 at 1:32 PM
1 mom liked this
I would take away all devices indefinitely. Especially with her dabbling with adult things. If she needs a phone I would seriously get her an old school phone. She can have things back when things improve. I told mt daughter that if she cant handle the rules I give for using electronics then that means she isn't mature enough to have them.

Is granma your mom or dad's? How possible is it to limit visits with her til you can get things under control?

See if Any teachers are offering tutoring/help after school to get her back on track. Ask for weekly progress reports to come home so you can keep tabs on her grades.

She doesnt get to hang with friends til chores are done (correctly) and homework is complete.

It is SO hard and you arent a failure. You got this, mom.

midjet117
by Member on Jan. 31, 2018 at 10:22 AM
1 mom liked this

ugh, 12 is a hard age but I feel like she's learned she can pull something on you because you feel guilty over your child being premie. I have twins that were born 29 weeks and 1 day. At this point you would never know. For starters, when my kids ask me something, sometimes I direct them to their father therefore we can be on the same page. Next, screw what Grandma says, you're mom. 3rd, hold your ground. If my kids are bugging the crap out of me and my decision is no, then it becomes NO and an even longer punishment if they keep it going or if I see something that I don't like. I feel like parents try a punishment once and if it "fails" and the child doesn't listen, then they cave. Don't do that lol. 

LuvHugs429
by Gold Member on Feb. 19, 2018 at 10:56 AM
Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are doing what you can and know what she is pulling between you and StepDad. My DD is 12 almost 13 and we block d everything from her phone except a couple of games. She has it for school and swimming in case of an emergency.

I have the same issue with her hygiene. Luckily since she started on the swim team she’s been having to shower almost every day. I still watch her to make sure she properly brushes her teeth.
Arigo
by New Member on Feb. 20, 2018 at 11:14 AM

Honestly it doesn't sound like your failing it sounds like she is I. That terrible stage known as adolescence 😱 Keep doing what your doing, while having some mother daughter quality time in which she'll either ignore you or roll her eyes, but you will get through it.

Eholwager
by Member on Feb. 26, 2018 at 10:03 AM

Have you considered counciling? It sounds like maybe there's more to this story than being defiant. Teens have a lot to deal with these days and no her behavior is not okay but also defiance to this level is ususally communication and typically communicating fear of some kind... I wonder if something is going on at school or with her friend group... I wonder why electronics matter so much.. If she won't talk to you maybe she'll talk to a therapist?

mom2twoboys41
by Member on Feb. 26, 2018 at 3:26 PM

i agree with this

Quoting shawsa82:

Fist of all you are NOT failing.  None of us are failing even on our worst days, because we are still here trying and loving our children no matter what. 

My daughter is 12 as well and i have some of the EXACT same issues. I think it is just being 12 and all that comes with it. Then add in todays world and social media and everything else it makes it even harder to have an infulence on them and moniter what is going on. I think you are looking more to protect her and stay connected to her rather than control her. At least that is what i relate it to. I have found that taking all the screen time away helps. After the inital tantrum from my kids that is. But once they get over that all the sudden they are hanging out with us and talking. Its like they have to detox from it.  I have also used chores to make them earn the screen time. I get the chore i want done and she gets her phone. 

Unfortunatly i dont see it ending anytime soon as we are only in the beginning of the teen years. The best advice i can give is staying diligent and keep at it. And to give yourself some grace. Its hard..... REALLY hard. and there are no perfect solutions. 



elzmnsf
by Silver Member on Feb. 26, 2018 at 3:32 PM

12 year olds are really difficult. I would take her electronics and tv, all of it. When my oldest was that age and she was defiant and making really poor grades, I did that, and it lasted the better part of a year as she kept getting her punishment extended by bad choices. She wasnt making bad grades because she didnt understand the material, but because she refused to turn in her work. I stuck to my guns, and now as a sophomore, she is in honors classes and is doing well. As far as grandma, that wouldnt fly with me. I would be limiting their time together and sitting either my mom or mil down and telling them exactly why.

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