Dealing with Losing my Choice

[zorgermommy]

My name is Jill.  I have been married for almost four years to my wonderful husband.  We wanted children so bad we could taste it, and found out two months after getting married that we were pregnant.  We were thrilled, but that was short lived, as I miscarried.  This happened SEVEN more times.  I was married at 21, and am almost 25.

My doctors finally found out that I have three genetic blood clotting disorders.  Kind of like hemophilia, but the opposite, in that I develop clots way easier than anyone else.  I had no problem getting pregnant, but my placenta would develop blood clots and would separate from my uterine wall and I would miscarry.  I have only carried one baby past six weeks, my miracle son, Christopher.  I was told that with my conditions, there should have been no way that I could have been able to carry him to full term, healthy and perfect, and that I didn't bleed to death or develop deadly clots after delivery.

I am now on blood thinners and will be for the rest of my life.  When my husband and I want to start trying again, I have to switch to a "Baby-friendly" blood thinner a month before trying, through the pregnancy and past delivery for two months.  But there is no guarantee.  They told me to give up hope right now because they don't forsee me carrying another baby to term.  My theory is that God gave me my son, and that if he wants me to have another, he'll make sure it happens, so I've had to put all of my faith in him.

Meanwhile, I am dealing with having no choice, dealing with possibly not having another, which was our dream, and I just love my son with everything I have.

It's nice having someone to talk to about this, as I am working with three pregnant girls, one who is due on Valentine's Day, and another who doesn't even want the pregnancy, but doesn't believe in abortion.  It kills me that I want one so bad and can't have it, and the ones who don't want it end up getting them.  It breaks my heart every time I miscarry, and I have to look at all the pregnant women in the world.  How do I handle the ups and downs that comes with it?  What do I say to strangers or family/friends that ask when we are going to start trying again (Our last miscarriage was six months ago)? I could just use a proverbial shoulder to cry on and understand.

Thanks for "listening"....

Jill

[queeniceone]

you ask how to handle it. one moment at a time. and you thank god everyday for your son. and you always have choices. have you thought about adoption or fostering. there are so many mothers who can't have childeren, but there are more childeren that will never have mothers. i am so sorry for all your losses too. whether you've had one or ten, they are all devestating. i've had two myself. right now i am 28 weeks along with my first child, and i am now faced with premature labor. i am on bed rest and progesterone. a couple of weeks ago i had steroid shots to help the babies lungs. i feel like this is so unfair because i struggled for so long just to get pregnant. my first miscarriage was 7 years ago. i was on fertilty drugs for 4 years. and i finally had a gastric bypass as a fertiltiy treatment and a year later got pregnant. on july 4th had a miscarriage. a month later i got pregnant and here we are today, struggling to hold on to it.  it isnt fair that some woman can pop them out in dozens. but i think that a wanted child has a better shot at a happy future. i hope i've helped, and i'm always hear to listen. just try to be strong and love your son. sherri