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I need advise badly. please help.

Posted by on Jan. 21, 2009 at 4:41 PM
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Question: Shoud a child be disaplined for doing things that they can not controll (not focusing in school)? why and how? please post

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hello everyone i have a major problem. my son was diagnosed with ADHD in October of 2007. the doctor i took him to bluntly said "your son has ADHD here is a list of medications and their side effects look it over and call me when you choose one." i didn't appreciate that so i said i was going to do my own investigation and find out what i could do at home to help him. we changed how he was disciplined, his homework schedule (he can take a 5 minute break between math and reading), he started to go to therapy in August, started tutoring, karate, a whole bunch of things after all of this and therapy, i went to another neurologist. he spent an hour with Sean and told me he has ADHD and he suggest that i use Adderall, talked to me about it, told me the side effects. i felt comfortable with him and i did a little research on the medication myself. after all this i went to his father (which decided that he would not go to the appointments, any of them) and told him that because of Sean's lack of progress i think it is time we think about putting Sean on medication and seeing if it helps him. my 6 year old understands that he has a problem, he knows the name, and he has told me that he needs help with school, that he feels like his legs need to run all the time and his head won't let him sit.  when he told me this i got so infuriated with his father because he refuses to believe there is anything wrong with him. he says the punishment is the best medicine and if i learned to be a parent that he wouldn't act like that.

i do not know what to do. my son is not really progressing in school. he can't focus, apparently gets in trouble at hos dad's house for his actions and lack of focus. i need advise on how to slip past the father and get the help for my son that he needs. or advise on how to make it so his fathers has to deal with this situation.

PLEASE HELP! i am so stressed out over this and i cry all the time over it.

by on Jan. 21, 2009 at 4:41 PM
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Replies (1-9):
blue52
by New Member on Jan. 21, 2009 at 5:09 PM

none of us want to put our kids on meds.. but when it comes to them being able to "focus" and be calm enough to learn well, that is a sign it is needed.

The benefit would be he most likley could concentrate. and learn and progress in schol. It is better to do it now before he gets lost in the system and in the diagnosis.

I would never punish my child for him not being able to control ALL of his behaviors.. That is not saying he is not held accoutable but ADHD kids need different options and time to learn different behaviors...What does he get punished for??

Why do you/he not want him medicated??

blue52
by New Member on Jan. 21, 2009 at 5:12 PM

oh to add.... guess the parents are separated. What is the court order for illness/medical needs?  Do you both have to approve?

My thought is when the Father chose NOT to go to the DR visits then he is choosing to not be a part of the solution to help HIS son... 

SeansMommy68
by New Member on Jan. 21, 2009 at 9:41 PM

i want him on meds. he has had about a year and a half where i tried everything possible to help him without meds. his dad doesn't want him on them because he said they will "alter" his personality. i told him it is not true with this medication. that this med is for focusing not for hyper activity. i gave him the number told him to research it on the comp and he refuses admit sean has a problem and just tells me that punishment will "fix" him.

he gets punished for not doing his work in school for having his yelling out burst (not anything bad he just shrieks for about 15 seconds) not listening the first time.

which i can understand where he is coming from but i don't punish him for those things. he does get punished but it is differant. he gets 3 chances and then time out and so on and so forth. plus this whole visitation in the middle of the week doesn't help eitehr. his dad lives 40 minutes away form his school near me adn his dad is being selfish and not changing visitation to the weekends.

SeansMommy68
by New Member on Jan. 21, 2009 at 9:43 PM

we don't have an order for illness or medical. we have joint custody. it doesn't specify anything about medical only that he pays for it.

do you think i could get one where if he doesn't go to the doctors appointments then he has no say?

 

blue52
by New Member on Jan. 21, 2009 at 10:33 PM

I cant say for sure BUT if you only have joint custody and he is only providing medical then i would check into giving meds a trial.. It is not that you are trying to keep the father from being a part of it.. it is that he is refusing to even acknowledge a problem..and that is sad. You as the MOM have a responsiblity to get your child the help he needs and I think this falls into that category.

I am sure that your dr.. has reports that say your son has been diagnosed and that after a few months of trying other natural aids.. you are going to meds.. That doesnt mean he has to take them forever..try them.. as your son will benefit and so will the family..

My son described taking meds as this..." it stopped the world from spinning so fast". My son isnt mean... he is just very active and can NOT focus.. I have had to learn to help in redirecting his thoughts..but the meds have been a lifesaver for him and me.

I have tried change of diet and that has helped but he is still taking meds. You can always start at a low dosage and go from there.. most times it is only effective for like 12 hours or such to get them thru the important part of their day.. School..

I know it is hard for some parents to admit there child has ADHD or understand it.. but IF he would be open to learning then he could understand and HELP his son rather than try and correct his behaviors with punishment... once you understand it after a while you learn how to HELP your child...  

also try the "ADHD and US" group.. there are alot of Mom's with advice to help you.

tysmom1313
by Member on Jan. 22, 2009 at 8:45 AM

I totally know how you are feeling. My son is eight years old and I have taken him to therapists since he was three. We have gone back and forth trying every possible alternative to medicine that I have found. His father also doesn't see anything wrong with the child and thinks he needs stronger discipline, and believe me I use strong discipline. He has talked and scared me out of medication for 5 years now,and as of yesturday I went to the doctor and got a script for Concerta, we are going to try the medication starting February 2nd. His father only sees him on Weekends, and right now it is only one weekend a month, he has never read, done homework, or had a very structured activity that my son would have to sit still in. I know my son is more afraid of him and does behave a little better, but school is the main reason I am doing this. If he cant behave or listen in school he is going to be kicked out or suspended. We have just started behavior therapy and will start the medication soon. I have had my recolections about medicine but right now I feel it is my son's only option. He is so smart and could probably be in gifted programs if he could control his actions.

As for the Father and the Doctors, I just took him and got the medication. We have had long drawn out battles about this but I am done doing what he wants and I have to do what is best for my son. We have joint custody also and when I start the meds I will send him an email letting him know I did and why. If he wants to do something about it then he can take me to court but after hearing all the numerous doctors and school staff I don't think a judge would ever rule against me.

mypookiesma
by Member on Jan. 23, 2009 at 10:25 AM

My son was diagnosed ADHD/ODD at 6 yr old while he was in kindergarden.  He was unable to sit still in class for instructions.  He was down on the floor crawling under tables.  Was disruptive so that other students could not concentrate on classwork.  I knew there was a problem with his behavior and I was unable to discipline him with anything that would make him behave like he should.  I tried everything:  time outs, spanking, taking toys away, etc.  everything I could think of. 

When I began reading about ADHD I learned that it is a brain disfunction, not a behavior thing.   He is very bright and loving, it was hard to accept that I could not "fix" what was wrong with him and then I realized that he was not "broken" and did not need to be "fixed".  Like any other medical problem, ADHD can be treated. I had people giving me all kinds of advise.  The most popular one was "don't let them put him on medication".   However, they did not have to live with his tantrums, and rages and his constant defiance. 

I have several health problems myself (diabetes, high blood pressure) that I treat with medication.  Although taking the medication does not cure them, it does help to keep them under control.  So if my son had another health problem, like asthma, or a heart condition, I would give him medication to treat them.  Why would I not treat the ADHD?  To do otherwise would be very irresponsible of me as his mother.  My medications have side effects that I have to deal with and so does his ADHD meds. 

Everyone has to make their own decisions on how they handle this disorder.  My son is now in second grade, he is 8 yr old and doing excellent academically, he just got his second report card and he has made honor roll both times. He is reading on a 4th grade level.   We still have our problems with his impulsiveness and  hyperactivity that we deal with on a day to day basis but the meds have been well woth it in his school work.

cbear3720
by Member on Jan. 24, 2009 at 11:32 AM

If he had an ear infection would you have to ask his dad about the antibiotic.  If he had asthma, and had to take preventive medication, would you have to ask his dad?  Who has the main physical custody?  You are following his opinion, but does he ever listen to your opinion and follow it?  I would give him the meds when he goes to school (if necessary, have the nurse give it to him in the am.)  I would also be prepared for a fight with his dad.  On the flip side, if it makes your son feel better, and his dad notices, there would end up being no argument. 

It sounds like your son is very aware of how he feels and how it effects his school work.  Most kids aren't that aware.  Don't give up.  Do what you feel is in the best interest of your son.

tysmom1313
by Member on Jan. 25, 2009 at 10:48 AM

With joint custody it is a little harder. If the doctors and the school are behind you then you should have nothing to worry about. Right now I am going through the same situation, my ex has moved out of state, which was his choice so he could be with his new girlfriend. He sees our son once  a month now, and he is trying to fight me about medication. He has no idea what our son goes through. Our son is now 8 and for the last 5 years I have been trying everything else, vitamins, diet, herbs, ect... We go to therappy once a week and nothing has worked, I have just recently decided that I am gong to try the medication. After I informed his father he went nuts, saying he is going to call DCFS on me, and take me to court. I can't be afraid of his threats anymore because I am doing what is best for my son to be successful. His father who sees him once a month for a very short weekend thinks if he moved in with him for a year our son would be completely different. But he has no clue, he has never down homework with him or had him in any structured activities. I have numerous diagnosis from therapists and doctors, plus I have the back up of the school I have been working with for 3 years now. They are at the end of line also and if things don't change for my son they are talking about that he may have to be in an alternative school for kids that have behavioral issues which is the last thing I want for him, especially because he is so smart.

I don't know why men can't see that medication isn't such a horrible thing, for me its that they are uneducated and have to have it there way. I have tried to explain all this to my ex, but he won't listen, and we may end up in court, but I have to do what is best for my son and hopefully a judge will see that this is the only option and what does it really hurt to try and see if it can make his life better.Good luck to you, let me  know how things go!!!!!!!!!

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