Why I belong here

[stefanierios]

My mother started smoking crack when I was about 7 years old, I think.  She gradually ruined our lives and lost everything.  Her boyfriend at the time introduced her to crack, and she became addicted.  We moved into the projects where we were constantly harrassed for being white, especially since my mother's boyfriend was black.  He wrecked our only car and totaled it.  When she couldn't pay the rent there, we moved into a house previously occupied by homeless squatter drug-addicts.  The only food she ever bought was at the first of the month when she got food stamps.  We often went without electricity, once for six months.  We washed clothes in the bathtub and cooked on a propane camping stove.  We often had to wake her up before noon so that she could take us to the soup kitchen so that we would have at least one meal that day.  She often overslept and forgot to send us to school.  When I was 9, 3 of us 5 kids were sent to live with our dad in the middle of the night because her boyfriend told her he didn't want us there anymore.  She chose him over us.  Later, my older sister (not my dad's biological child) came to live with us.  After that, my youngest brother (not my dad's biological child) went to live with my mother's parents after she was arrested in the middle of the night on drug charges while she was out with my brother, 3 y/o at the time.  She never attempted to get any of us back.  I felt abandoned.  I lived with my dad, who happens to be an alcoholic, but a mild-tempered one.  I cried so much when I was little.  The very worst part were her promises to come see us, and she would never show. 
She stopped smoking crack about 8 years ago, but she turned directly to alcohol.  She drinks at least 6 beers every night.  I think she has sever brain damage because of the way she acts.  She was a horrible mother, continues to be a horrible mother, and she is a terrible grandmother.  She has attempted to insert herself back in our lives over the last 5 years, but my New Year's resolution this year was not to go over to her house ever again, because there is just too much negativity there for me and my children.  I would like my boys to have a normal,typical grandmother.  Thank god for my mother-in-law.  I love her more than my own biological mother.  I can honestly say that I do not love my mother, and that I have not forgiven her, mostly because she does not act like she is sorry for what she has done and continues to blame others.  I feel very sad when I see how much other people love their mothers, like my husband, and I know that I will never really have that relationship.

[amypoe]

welcome to the group. i can understand your pain. i hope ths group helps you as i hope all of us