Alrighty. Grab a drink or something because this is going to be the LONGEST journal entry you've ever seen.
Background: I am an only child. My mother was sick with heart disease since she was 33. My father was and is an alcholic. Growing up, he wasn't violent or anything, just absent mentally. He would check out alot. But, we were close. Fast forward to when my mom is 65. My parents were married for 35 years. My father decided to convert to Catholism, and the weekend that he was to do so, my mother died in her sleep. My mother and I had a very difficult relationship. It wasn't until my kids were born (4 years ago) that her and I got close. We argued and fought all the time when I was a teenager, but when I married and settled down and had a family of my own, I appreciated her more and we got along. She was my best friend for the last 4 years of her life.
This was two years ago this September. During the year that my mother died, my father frequented college football games with some friends, including Pam. 2 weeks after my mother died, he asked me if I was ok with him seeing someone. I knew that my mother had told him that he should move on with his life if she were to die. I asked him if it was for companionship or if he had true emotional/sexual/realtionship type feelings with someone in particular. He said yes, it was Pam. I told him that I was his daughter, that he didn't need "approval" from me, but that I felt that it was too soon after Mom's death (2 weeks) and that I wasn't ready to hear about any dates/relations with Pam. Give me some time, I said.
Fast forward to December (3 months post-mom dying). He comes over and drinks a bottle of wine and a six pack of beer. He is slurring his words, he is falling asleep. My kids are here. I go to bed. DH talks to my dad and gives him a heart to heart and says that it's too soon for him (my dad) to be telling my mom's family about Pam - comments like "I haven't had this much fun in 30 years." or Pam has red hair when they are passing a red sign...etc. It was killing my grandparents, my aunts and uncles to hear this all so soon. He even was telling my grandparents about Pam and weekends away and so forth. He told me that before my Mom died, him and Pam went golfing, and then later (about a week later) let it spill to my DH that he and Pam were holding hands at the golf course. SO, the long and short of it is that Pam and him had an emotional (if not more) relationship before Mom died.
Fast forward to February. We go to Chuckie Cheese for DD's birthday, and they announce that they are engaged. This is the first time my DH meets Pam. They order wine at Chuckie Cheese and complain about the quality. It's Chuckie Cheese for god's sake!!! WTF!!! During ths visit, he informs me that Pam likes the china my mom had, and that I can't have it (I never registered for china because my mom said I could have hers). He also informs me that regardless of my mom's antiques going to family members, he's selling it because it's money. My mom specifically told me that all the antiques were to be kept in the family. He didn't care. Also, I collected Beleek (Irish china) for her, and that I couldn't have it because Pam liked it too.
2 days later, we go to dinner. Just the four of us. They are at the bar prior to us arriving. They are drunk. During dinner, I tell my dad that the family (my mom's family) misses him and that just because Mom is gone, my grandparents miss him and that my aunts miss his calls/visits, etc. I tell Pam that she would fit in with the family and that I'm anxious for them to meet them, that they would like her and would get along with her fine - she seemed like a fun lady.
She proceeds to tell me that my mother's family treated my dad like shit over the years, and that they treated my uncle like shit as well - my father's brother. I say "Well, I don't think so" - and I really am confused at this point, because everything my father ever did was "re-paid" somehow. He built a deck, he got free dinner/beer. He paved a driveway, and he had 3 days of golf in Vegas paid for. The list goes on. He built our deck, he got a Weber grill as a thank you. I just didn't get it. So, I say "No, No"...I'm just trying to say that the family misses you". All the while, she runs her mouth (Pam) and my dad sits there digging into his F***** steak and doesn't say a word.
I say well, you haven't given us much time here, it's only been 5 months to get used to all this, you and your daughter (Pam's daughter who I never had met) have had 3 years to get over the death of your husband. She says "Time... it's not a matter of time" - I disagree. She calls me immature and that I need to grow up. She starts to raise her voice and stick her finger in my face. At this point, my DH steps in and says that there's no need to call people names, and that she should lower her voice. I almost start to cry. Mind you, my "father" is sitting there not saying a F****'n word.
Then, she makes the mistake of saying "Well, you never got along with your Mother...." and I cut her off and say (as she's pointing her finger in my face). That's when I loose it. I say to her "you didn't know my F'n mother, you don't know me, but my mother was my best friend and if you ever say that I didn't get along with my mother again, I'll kick your ass". (Note: I grew up in a very rough part of the city of Chicago, and you can take me out of the Ghetto, but you can never take the Ghetto outta me). I digress.
I then throw a napkin in her face, and walk away. My father stands up, and punches me in the stomach. We are chest to chest and everyone is gawking. DH tells my father to sit down and I realize that my purse is on the other side of the table. I go get it, lean down between them (my dad and Pam) and tell them to have a nice life. That all happened in Februrary of 06. That was the last time I saw him. That was the last week he saw my kids. I have told my children that Grandpa is sick and that he needs to get better before he can see them. They get it. They don't blame themselves.
April of this year - I send him a birthday card that simply says "I'm willing to talk without spouses". That was April 5th. It's now the 25th. I get a voice message from him today saying "It's your father, and I got your note and I'm finally getting around to not working. Call me back, Thanks."
What do I do? There are alot of things in my mother's house that I left behind that I want. I'm not sure that I want to open myself up to his messed up life again. I know he's not in recovery, and that he's still drinking. I will not let him around my kids, I don't want him coming into their lives again and then messing it all up by getting drunk in front of them or becoming abusive with me.
Should I cut my loses or get the sentimental stuff (books, artwork I did as a kid, stained glass she made...) etc from the house and then walk away, or should I really attempt here?
HELP!
Oh, and thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed your beverage.
Anne
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My Story...if want to read
- Jakemmy
on Apr. 26, 2007 at 11:33 AM