When you're the only one who see things as they really are!!!

[lisaann1213]

Hi I'm Lisaann.  I'm 40 & I live in IL.

My dad is an alcoholic/addict.  He's been that way since I was 8.  My dad left the family (I'm the oldest of 4 kids) when I was 12.  My parents "officially" divorced a month after my 14th birthday.  Ever since then, my family has been a mess.  My siblings & I spent weekends with our dad & assorted users/dealers.  Even though my mom knew what was going on, she put us in that situation because she felt she had a right to have a life (NO, YOU HAD A RESPONSABILITY TO PROTECT YOUR KIDS).  To make matters worse, I was abused when I was 13 (Not comfortable sharing the details here but let's just say it happened because of drugs.), which I never told anyone, especially not my mom, because sadly, I knew if I told her the gory details of how it happened, she'd never believe me & would accuse me of trying to ruin everyone's life, especially hers.

Long story short, my dad's still using, the family treats him like he's just being dad, & I'm left feeling like crap not just because of the circumstances but because I refuse to be a party to his sickness.

I feel really resentful at 40 because I feel like my life has been permanently screwed up & that I will never feel 100 percent happy, normal, safe, secure, whole.  I'm plagued with insecurity and self-doubt because my family has painted me into the "black sheep" role.  I'm really surprized my own kid, whose 15, doesn't hate me & alot of times I secretly feel like I've failed him not because he tells me so, but because my family keeps telling me what a lousy parent they think I am.   There are mornings when I wake up feeling extremely anxious & have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach (Most of this is psychological, but some of it is physical, I think because of the secondhand exposure to Marajuana over the years.).

Being the family outcast really sucks.  I wish I could just move away with my son out of state & cut everyone in my family off, but because my son has a close relationship with his dad (we're divorced) & friends here, I don't feel comfortable uprooting him to "start over" even though I feel I deserve it.  I just wish at this point I could feel comfortable in my own skin & not like such a freak all the time. 

[amypoe]

dont listen to others when they say you are a bad parent cause you are not. i would cut that part of your family out as you deserve happiness