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New to the group....is there anyone out there?

Posted by on Dec. 15, 2008 at 10:09 PM
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I am new to this group and I am very happy to find it.  I feel like there isn't anyone else in the world who knows how I feel.  I am 28 y/o and I have been married to my DH for over 3 years.  He has always had a problem with drinking.  I didn't really realize until we were living together and planning our wedding, and I guess I always thought they he could just stop if he wanted to or had a reason to.  But we were young and we would go out and party together and I didn't think anything of it.  About 4 months into our marriage I got pregnant. My DH was so excited he stopped smoking and was hardly drinking, just a few beers here and there.  Then after my son was born he totally broke down and could not handle it.  I don't exactly know what it was he couldn't handle because I was doing all the work but he just couldn't deal.  So he started drinking alot.  He was not there for me at all after our son was born.  He wouldn't help me with anything, not the baby, not the housework, not anything.  My son is 2 years old now and he as pretty much been this way since he was born.  He will stop drinking every once in awhile for a week and then just go back to it.  Recently his drinking and behavior has been completely out of control.   I think he may have an underlying mental disorder, possibly bipolar.  I am so sad for him, it is killing me to see him this way.  I want to leave but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it.  How do you bring yourself to do it?  I love him so very much.  He truly is a good man that has a drinking problem.  I know it's not my fault and I know I can't fix him, but my heart is broken.  I want my husband to get better.  How do I get him to do this?  Thanks for listening.

by on Dec. 15, 2008 at 10:09 PM
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Replies (1-6):
Ange1208
by on Dec. 15, 2008 at 11:07 PM

To top off this whole above story I just got a call from my DH and he is in jail for a DUI!  Merry Christmas to me and my family.

dpatterson
by Member on Dec. 16, 2008 at 6:48 AM

I can relate totally. What I have learned over the years is you can not change him, only he can change himself. My DH started drinking when I was pregnant with my second child 11 years ago. Since I have put up with DUI's, over doses, baker acts and other arrest. He even went to prison for two years.

mary312
by Group Admin on Dec. 16, 2008 at 8:25 AM

 You are in the right place, we have all been there or are there now and nothing you could say will shock or appall us!

I just wanted to hit on the "bipolar" paRT of your post . Being an addict and trying to diagnose a mental illness, is like putting a person under anesthesia and asking him where he hurts.

 The only way you can figure out if it is the drinking making them bipolar or the bi-polar making him drink is to get all the alcohol out of his system for at least 6 months or so ( my husband acted weird and mental for a solid year after he had a drink just due to the brain chemistry being totally screwed up due to the drinking) .

My husband is not bipolar nor does he have any mental illness. We as co-dependants like to find something to "blame" the addiction on , and in a small % of cases it really is the case but most of the time ,it is just them being altered by the affects of the alcohol, there brains and bodies are "soaked " in it.

 Welcome to the group :)

PrincessRoo
by on Dec. 16, 2008 at 10:10 AM

 Welcome we are all going thru the same thing....hang in there...we understand.

Check out my group for Refom Jewish Moms http://www.cafemom.com/group/Reformmoms
motherlee1
by New Member on Dec. 16, 2008 at 4:12 PM

Hi, I am new here too.  My advice would be to start attending Al-Anon meetings.  I have gone to some and also read the literature.  My DH and I have been together for 13 years.  He has always had a beer-drinking problem.  It took me years to call it what it was.... alcoholism.  He's a great guy, wonderful provider, loving Dad, the whole nine yards.  I finally reached my last straw and started attending Al-anon meetings about 6 weeks ago.  Coincidentally, he also stopped drinking then.  He is sober, but it's an adjustment and he struggles.  I'm a firm believer in getting all the support you can.  It's taken me a long time to realize he has a disease, I cannot fix him, and I have to live for myself and our kids.. Keeping us a priority.  If you need a friend to lean on, please feel free to email me.  Take care :-)

Ange1208
by on Dec. 16, 2008 at 9:56 PM

Thank you guys for all your advice and input.  I am planning on starting to attend Al-Anon meetings as soon as possible.  I will keep you guys posted.  It's nice to know I have people/friends I can talk too.

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