Any wisdom out there or good books for friend with mild Aspergers having marital problems? Her husband is struggling to handle her diagnosis!

[KaraEllen]

I know this site is geared more for parenting children on the spectrum; however, I'm wondering what kind of wisdom might be out there to help a friend of mine who is 44 years old with Aspergers.  I will call her "Deb."  She was recently diagnosed with "a touch of Aspergers" by a psychiatrist who specializes in ASD's.  This really is about Deb, not me.  She asked me for help, as I've learned a lot about Aspergers and other ASD's due to my daughter being on the spectrum.  Anyway, Deb has been married for 12 years to "Ed" and they have 3 children (none known to be on the spectrum), ages 6, 4, and 2.  Her husband is an associate pastor who primarily serves the latino population of the church (he is originally from Mexico and is now a US citizen).  Deb (not latino) stays home with their kids and home schools the oldest.  Ed is having a hard time dealing with Deb's diagnosis.  He refers to her as "abnormal" quite often.  Deb and Ed recently saw the movie, "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" with Tom Hanks.  Deb said that emotionally, Ed couldn't see it all, was crying, and said it was too close to home for him.  Deb is wondering if Ed needs a break from her (he had 2 weeks away without her and the kids around Christmas...he went to Mexico City to visit relatives, and she came to Michigan to visit her side of the family....Ed & Deb live in Chicago).  She wonders if that was recent enough or if 2 weeks was long enough.  She is thinking it wasn't recent or long enough.  Then, Deb wonders if his job as an associate pastor (at a big church) has too many expectations (another pastor left saying he didn't like the man he was becoming).  Ed says the unhappiness in their marriage and stress he feels is because of Deb.  Deb says it's both of them (due to his job stress and her Aspergers).  Deb would like to have happiness and joy in her marriage.  The senior pastor and his wife will be Ed & Deb's "marriage mentors" (I'm not sure what this means).  I previously suggested to Deb that she and Ed seeking counseling from an objective, knowledgeable therapist to explore the underlying reasons for the marital problems and for counseling to resolve them.  Ed refused, and will only go to the pastor.  I am concerned that the pastor may not be objective, as this is a co-worker and supervisor for Ed.  My questions are....(1) (Deb wants to know) if anyone knows of a book that Ed & Deb could use with their "marriage mentors"?; (2) Any other advice for this couple based upon the info. provided?  Personally, I am concerned that "Ed" is not seeking objective, professional help, that he is often referring to Deb as "abnormal", and blames her for not feeling happy in the marriage.  I am also concerned that he would need two weeks away from his wife and children.  I cannot be objective here.  Deb is my friend.  I'm mainly looking for a good book for couples dealing with Aspergers in one of the partners.  Thanks!!!

[destiny29]

Interesting that you would ask this. :) I am currently reading a book called "The Journal of Best Practices." It is written by a man with Asperger's who didn't know he had Asperger's until his wife who is a speech pathologist spotted it. He writes about how their marriage was going down the drain until they discovered his Asperger's. He then goes on to write how the 2 of them came closer together by learning about his diagnosis and he learned how to make an effort in areas where people with Asperger's suffer in social understanding. It's funny in a lot of parts and really a great resource for both Aspies and their spouses to read! It's by David Finch.

[crossnlilly]

Im not very familiar with adult diagnoses. Its something i just recently started to explore. I think you are right they need outside counseling. I think she should try to honestly talk to her husband about the way she feels. I know when i first found out about my daughter my faith was greatly tested and some days it still is. But i truly believe god makes us the way he does for his will to be done. Maybe god made this happen to give them a stronger marriage and to makr her husband an even better pastor. Many prayers

[Unicorn1110]

    I have not seen or  and could not read Up close and personal for the same reason. It was to personal because of the autism and the subject of 9/11. My family knew folks in the city that day and my son has autism.

      Its a a move  in the right direction that he is even willing to see someone. Most men wouldn't. Sounds like they were having problems before but now he has an excuse or a name for a problem. But so sure if a pastor no matter how well meaning is qualified. Sounds more like he is ganging up on her. Not sure if the marriage can be saved but if she does not try he most likely will try to take her children away based on the disorder. The mentors most likely will be close minded due to the fact that many who are adults find something that is dx in childhood easier to take than  later in life adults.  He needs to use better words. He is lashing out with cruelty.  There won't be as much literature out there ans more of dx as children and the ones mostly likely found will those who are older who all ready had the dx. There is a book damn and I can't remember the name that was written by an adult man and his wife both who are on the spectrum.

     Why should an Aspergers dx change the marriage if there were not all ready problems? Seems like she has been being a good mom for all these yrs. Sounds like the problems are more with in him. She may just need to have more coping measure in place. Schedule's and be more organized. She needs to stand up for herself and not be a victim to this or him. Good Luck to your friend.

[KaraEllen]

Thank you to all for taking the time to help!  I REALLY APPRECIATE the information, your thoughts, and perspectives!  

[bird3815]

That is so sad!! I agree with you as for objective help!  This man is supposed to be a servant of God and helping poeple what a hypocrit!!!  A good book is A Guide To Aspergers by Tony Atwood, The second half of the book includes some items on Aspergers with Adults.  This man needs to wake up and help her and accept her ways. It is not easy., a counselor but not another pastor should help them.  He probably does not understand the disorder. It is a hard thing to understand cos it is invisible!