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Self defense for moms?

Posted by on Dec. 31, 2012 at 10:09 AM
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My son Ian is almost 12 and over 100 pounds, with a history of violence towards me. He doesn't beat me up anymore since I moved him out of school and into the respite center. He doesn't hit the aunties, nor scream at them, nor throw tantrums there. His auntie called this morning while I was trying to stop him from knocking the TV off the stand. She heard him screaming at me, and throwing chairs over. He was mad because I stopped him from putting more sugar and chocolate into his tea. The auntie was surprised, said I should hit him back hard when he hits me. That never worked with Ian. He was 4 and hitting me back. He also figured he could hit me if he was angry with me. So I don't hit him now. He is also mostly nonverbal. I sometimes don't know what set him off, he's too big and worked up to cuddle and rock. Meds take time to kick in. The auntie said I should take self defense. I did think of it before. I mentioned it to my mother just now and of course she doesn't like the idea. My other 2 sons are karate kids. Mom doesn't like that either but they protect me from Ian. So what do you guys think? I'm just 6 inches taller than him now and about 30 pounds heavier and he gets the better of me all the time. His auntie thinks my whole attitude adjustment would deter him from taking me on. Suggestions guys? He may have to live with me for life. :( I'm not gonna be a helpless old woman.



by on Dec. 31, 2012 at 10:09 AM
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orngblsm
by New Member on Jan. 1, 2013 at 12:37 PM
2 moms liked this

Self defense would be a good start.  Who cares if your mother doesn't like it?  She is not the one getting beaten up.  You might want to speak with his "aunties" and find out what they do differently since he doesn't hit them or throw tantrums there and change your responses accordingly.  Whatever they are doing works with him.  Don't accept his bad behavior.  Just because he doesn't speak, doesn't mean that he doesn't understand.  He knows what he is doing is wrong, and he is getting away with it.  Try to think of it like dealing with an overgrown two-year-old.  My son was similar (with the exception of hitting),  Once I started thinking of him like a toddler, and treating him accordingly, his behavior improved.  The other thing, you have ten words or less to get your point across to him.  At times you will feel like you are talking to a dog, but it works.  Use a firm and imperative voice.  A very emphatic "NO", "STOP",  or "ENOUGH" has stemmed many of my son's meltdowns into something more manageable.

One other thing you may want to consider.  He will most likely outlive you.  You may want to consider a group home for him when he is older, like 22 to 24.  Sooner if you can't get his violence under control.  I didn't like the thought myself until my aunt told me about a family in her church with a man with down syndrome whose mother passed away.  He was in his late fifties and on his own for the first time in his life without a parental lifeline.  Needless to say, it took him a long time to recover and start functioning again.  It is something I have been thinking about for a couple of years now.  It wouldn't be fair to my son's siblings and their eventual families to expect them to take over his care when I pass on.  That would be ideal but not realistic.  However, only you can decide what is best for you and your family.  Either way, take the self defense class.  You will feel better if you can defend yourself without always relying on your other sons for protection (AND what happens if he attacks you when they aren't around).

Eve-marie
by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 5:32 PM

Thanks so much. I asked about their techniques but it seems they established some kind of 'top dog' relationship in the first week he was there. He doesn't even try to cross them. So I'm starting at a disadvantage, but I'm gonna start the self defense. I also thought about a community for him. Maybe I'll have to rally some parents to get it started. There's no assisted living facilities here and most of the unwanted ones end up in the psychiatric hospital. I don't want that for him. I'm starting now. Thanks for the support. Peace.

Quoting orngblsm:

Self defense would be a good start.  Who cares if your mother doesn't like it?  She is not the one getting beaten up.  You might want to speak with his "aunties" and find out what they do differently since he doesn't hit them or throw tantrums there and change your responses accordingly.  Whatever they are doing works with him.  Don't accept his bad behavior.  Just because he doesn't speak, doesn't mean that he doesn't understand.  He knows what he is doing is wrong, and he is getting away with it.  Try to think of it like dealing with an overgrown two-year-old.  My son was similar (with the exception of hitting),  Once I started thinking of him like a toddler, and treating him accordingly, his behavior improved.  The other thing, you have ten words or less to get your point across to him.  At times you will feel like you are talking to a dog, but it works.  Use a firm and imperative voice.  A very emphatic "NO", "STOP",  or "ENOUGH" has stemmed many of my son's meltdowns into something more manageable.

One other thing you may want to consider.  He will most likely outlive you.  You may want to consider a group home for him when he is older, like 22 to 24.  Sooner if you can't get his violence under control.  I didn't like the thought myself until my aunt told me about a family in her church with a man with down syndrome whose mother passed away.  He was in his late fifties and on his own for the first time in his life without a parental lifeline.  Needless to say, it took him a long time to recover and start functioning again.  It is something I have been thinking about for a couple of years now.  It wouldn't be fair to my son's siblings and their eventual families to expect them to take over his care when I pass on.  That would be ideal but not realistic.  However, only you can decide what is best for you and your family.  Either way, take the self defense class.  You will feel better if you can defend yourself without always relying on your other sons for protection (AND what happens if he attacks you when they aren't around).


Apple1
by Head Admin on Jan. 3, 2013 at 2:28 AM

 

Have you tried the GFCF diet....It's never to late to try.  This diet is gluten free, and casien free... Our children have a hard time digesting these proteins which in turn can cause behavioral problems etc.  Also, epsom salt baths can do wonders to help him to calm down...(help him to relax) You can build upto 2 cups per bath, and I would say, to start low at around 1/4 cup to see how he does. 

Hugs to you momma, yes, I would take some self defense classes, it definatly can't hurt, And like you said, hitting doesn't help anything...and that is so true, it just makes matters so much worse. Try to get him to calm down with something he loves when in these situations...direct his attention else where.... Often times, trying to praise our children, encouraging them to be the best they can be, and giving them lots of support can go along way..little rewards for being good and not having huge outbursts....rewarding for good behavior.  I hope these ideas help, I know it must be a hard sitution to be in....being as postive as you can will help as well as not letting your son know how frustrating these situations can be on you...sending big hugs!!

Eve-marie
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 7:39 AM
Quoting Apple1:

 


Have you tried the GFCF diet....It's never to late to try.  This diet is gluten free, and casien free... Our children have a hard time digesting these proteins which in turn can cause behavioral problems etc.  Also, epsom salt baths can do wonders to help him to calm down...(help him to relax) You can build upto 2 cups per bath, and I would say, to start low at around 1/4 cup to see how he does. 


Hugs to you momma, yes, I would take some self defense classes, it definatly can't hurt, And like you said, hitting doesn't help anything...and that is so true, it just makes matters so much worse. Try to get him to calm down with something he loves when in these situations...direct his attention else where.... Often times, trying to praise our children, encouraging them to be the best they can be, and giving them lots of support can go along way..little rewards for being good and not having huge outbursts....rewarding for good behavior.  I hope these ideas help, I know it must be a hard sitution to be in....being as postive as you can will help as well as not letting your son know how frustrating these situations can be on you...sending big hugs!!



Thanks. I've heard of some of these things, but it costs so much to change everything and I only got the gluten free ketchup and curry and flour which makes the chicken look funny so the other kids refused it. But I'll keep looking for gluten free stuff, and the salts. Thanks a bunch.
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