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Someone Please Respond

Posted by on Jun. 20, 2007 at 5:50 PM
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I have on;y been a member of this group for like a week and I do not know any of you but I am going out on a limb and praying that no one is going to report me or something for what I am going to say. I figured that if I couldn't say anything on this website and someone understand then I am hopeless. Here goes ... don't hate me ...

I am so flipping tired of trying to deal with all of this. My son in 3 and 1/2, deaf, and autistic. I don't know what behaviors are what ... which ones I shoudl correct, which ones I should let be ... I don't know. I do know that as soon as we started to try to get him to stop certain things, his behavior has gotten so much worse. Sometimes I do fine, and then other days (like this afternoon for instance) I can't stand him. I can't stand my own son. He drives me nuts! I just wish I could be a star sometimes and check into a hospital just for exhaustion. Then, as soon as I say these horrible things I feel so guilty that I could scream! I want to help him but I can't redirect everything he does, sometimes I just want to spank him and put him in timeout or take away a movie and have it actually be effective. I want my son to make cookies with me and enjoy it ... I am a first grade teacher, I want him to learn his ABCs and how to count. I want him to have friends when he is older ... not get made fun of for everything like flapping his arms and making weird sounds. I want him to get married and have kids and move out some day, but I don't know if that will ever happen. I feel like God made this horrible mistake by giving me this difficult child ... I feel like I on;y make him worse. I feel like it is all my fault. I feel like no one understands what I am going through. Some nights I just scream out loud so that I can make a noise louder than him and I can tone him out ... I am close to starting to stem so I don't have to listen to him.

Please don't take this too seriously, I just need to know that there are other people out there who have horrible days that they actually pity themselves more than their kids and sometimes they don't even like them ... as awful as that sounds.
by on Jun. 20, 2007 at 5:50 PM
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Replies (1-10):
genevieve3
by on Jun. 20, 2007 at 5:57 PM
he is still young w/ therapy's it will get better, some-days i hate god b/c i know i am in way over my head...then something little happens and it become a new reason for living.  Hang in there momma.
DeafnAutistic
by New Member on Jun. 20, 2007 at 6:02 PM

Thank you .... I'll try.

Abee
by Member on Jun. 20, 2007 at 6:16 PM
I've been there! My son is now 12 (almost 13 as he tells people). He isn't deaf, but he was highly aggressive and use to hurt himself and then me too because I'd try to keep him from doing so. Going ANYWHERE when he was younger was hard because his fits and odd behavior got strange and pitying looks!  I now that double feeling of "I can't do this anymore!", "I don't want to do this anymore!" and/or "Why me? Why him?" and then the guilt comes crashing in on you. All I tell you is that you aren't the horrible person you think, YOU ARE HUMAN!!  And although the old saying "God only gives us what he knows we can handle" is true, it's just that sometimes it takes us a while to realize it. Keep your chin up and the next time you have a bad day do what you did this time... vent! It's what will get through the hard times. Good luck to you.
BrittanyGL
by on Jun. 20, 2007 at 7:30 PM
I believe that God does not have a say in what we are given or what we can handle. I believe that we as humans have caused these things that happen to our children. I don't know what cause it I just believe that it has nothing to do with god. I personally would hate him if he knowingly causes ppl to suffer. Thats why I have to think the way I do. I know most wont agree. But, this is my opinion. I personally have no idea what you are going threw. I have an autistic child whom is nonverbal and does not gesture or anything. I think our similarities stop with the hating him sometimes. I never blame Grant or dislike him. He is totally innocent in this. I love him just like any mother loves their child. He is the same child I gave birth to and I have never known anything different so I try not to wish for things that are not likely for his future. I believe you will just drive yourself crazy by doing that. I just take it one day at a time. All of those things you have always dreamed for his future are just that your dreams. They are not his dreams. I try to just be grateful for the things I have that other mothers with typical children do not. Like he will never drink or drive drunk, do drugs, have sex and get someone preg, party, and leave me. He is always going to be my baby I never have to worry about him moving out or anything.lol Also I don't have to worry about him lying. He is the most honest person I will ever know. He lets me know every single emotion he has. He does not require expensive clothes or presents or parties to fit in with his friends. He is sweeter and more loving then any child I know. I honestly feel very lucky to know my son. I hope that in time you can come to accept it. I promise until you do it will not get easier! I also thank my lucky stars every day this is all it is. I have 2 friends right now who may loose their children due to serious medical conditions. I will take autism 10 times over VS this.
rjd573
by Member on Jun. 20, 2007 at 7:51 PM
Being a parent to an Autistic child is an experience in itself. But there is one thing to always remember....we are HUMAN. We have all reached our breaking point with our kids........but then....we start all over again. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger............and I have become WONDER WOMAN!!!!!!!
You have come to the right place.....we all walk in your shoes and will share our experiences, strength, and hope.
erinld2005
by on Jun. 20, 2007 at 8:59 PM
I know just how you feel. Some days I just want it to be over.Taking care of my 3 yr old autistic daughter can just get so overwhelming. Some days I just have to let her cry a minute so I can step outside and breathe and calm down. It's gotten even harder now that I am 8 1/2 months pregnant with twins. We will have a crazy household. As challenging as it is I wouldn't trade this life for anything. She has taught me patience, true love, compassion for others, and she has taught me to think before I judge someone elses situation.  I think it's just nice to know someone feels the same that you do sometimes. Somedays I want to just give her away when she is driving me nuts. Then she does something so adorable and I feel like crap. Just hang in there and if you get to stressed take a minute to go outside or i a seperate room to cool off!!
mommylovesjande
by Bronze Member on Jun. 20, 2007 at 8:59 PM
Hi:

Hugs to you.  I can totally feel your pain.  It is not easy.  I have two children who are on the autistic spectrum.  My son is 5.5 with PDD-NOS and my daughter is 3 with ASD.

We have good days and bad days just like anyone else.  Sometimes I feel like Autism wins and other days I feel like I can conquer the world.

I keep a journal and it helps me alot.  I can write down my frustrations and it really does help.

If you ever feel like chatting, I would like to be your friend.

Hang in there,
Karen

P.S. - this is a wonderful board and everyone here understands about Autism. 

Becki67
by Member on Jun. 20, 2007 at 9:06 PM
Please don't be so hard on yourself! My son has Asperger's and is quite high functioning, and I STILL feel like chucking it all and running away some days; I still grieve for how much easier it would be if he were completely "normal," whatever the hell that is.

Here's my "bad mama" confession: I often pity myself when I see a group of moms I would like to be friends with hanging out together because their sons (my son's age) all hang out together. They're not excluding me, but because my son doesn't get invited to the playdates or parties or whatever, I'm missing out on the opportunity to make friends too. Pretty sad that sometimes I'm as worried about me being left out as I am about him.  

If you have to let it all out, this is a good place to do it. I think most of us have been there.
erinn
by on Jun. 20, 2007 at 9:11 PM
I know-some days suck! When we first figured out our son had Autism (before the dx) my DH had a VERY hard time and was in denial. Then he just came to accept it. I have days when I can't. It's pretty ironic because I also have an elem ed background and thought that with all MY education, I would be the one who would be able to handle this better. Some days are great and other days make me SO MAD. I think about the same things as you-will he ever be able to drive, will he go to college, will he ever get that the other kids are teasing him and not playing with him? I have no clue-I honestly try not to think that far ahead (he's 6) because I feel like if I expect those things and he doesn't do them-it was an unfair expectation. But then I feel like if I don't think he can do those things, he never will. It's such a Catch 22. One really BAD day I lost it and in between my tears asked DH "Don't you ever just wish he was normal??!!" He told me "No, because I know he's not." I wish I could get to that point.
higherboundmom
by Member on Jun. 20, 2007 at 9:35 PM
Hugs to you. I have had those very same feelings with my kiddos. Do the constant noises and self-stem beh. get to you, they sure do get to me. To bad they really don't know how bad it gets to us then they would do it on purpose,LOL.  Somedays I wanted to scream at them, at God, and at the world because they did not understand. Come to think of it I more than likely did scream, LOL. You did not mention a husband, but when they were little I would be up to my neck in frustration and would let my dh know and I would run away from home. He always knew where I was, but it was pure bliss to rent a local motel room, grab some books and spend the night reading after a long soak in the tub without the idiot TV shows blasting in my ears and head. Hubby was ok with this. Ours are now 24, 18, 17, and 16. It does get better.

Advice I would give you, don't attack all the beh. at once, pick one or two. Either the ones which drive you crazy easiest or the ones that you think you might see improvments on first. Sucess in either direction will give you hope and then with hope you can cope.
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