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My husbands family doesn't support us

Posted by on May. 24, 2009 at 4:04 PM
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my almost school age daughter has aspergers. I do not need to explain why or how medical professionals came to this conclusion, but my husbands family keeps saying things like: well the doctor only saw her for 20 minutes (we went thru several grueling days of hours at a time with several different specialists before getting a diagnosis, and have been getting therapy with multiple DIFFERENT specialists every week SINCE. Are ALL those people wrong?) Anyway, they just keep saying things like: dont you want your child mainstreamed, you dont want to brand her then ruin her life... I thought I was helping her by getting her the help she needs (and I need to beable to help her). I just don't understand how A)they can say these doctors are all wrong B) Why they think getting a diagnosis is a BAD thing and C) why they cant just accept that this is who she is and this is how I am taking care of her. How do I get them to leave me alone about the issue? No matter hhow she acts in front of other people, his family insists its bad parenting. How do I get them to lay off? I don't want to SEE his family if they are going to act this way and we just moved smack dab in the middle of the town they all live in so I cant avoid them!

by on May. 24, 2009 at 4:04 PM
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Replies (1-10):
MommyJanice44
by Head Admin on May. 24, 2009 at 7:58 PM

 I don't why some older and or other's don't want to look at the truth . They are so unaware of what the diagnosis it that some people just refuse to except the fact that there is something wrong If you can't see it "" to them it must meant they don't have it ... Kinda like with my son he looks completely normal that to look at him you would never know anything was wrong until you tried to carry on a conversation with him and or he is making really loud sounds ect . Anyway the feeling that it is bad parenting I dealt with that when my child was first diagnosed and it is the worst feeling in the world to have other's be blaming you why she is not better and or behaving wrong ... Try getting as much information on what it is she has on the Internet and or books and have them read everything that she is doing and how it is exactly what they have diagnosed her with ....... I had a ton of papers to give out to my whole family and still I do that every now and then so they can understand a lot of what I might be going through on a daily basis .... Thats way when we do talk they can understand where I might be coming from instead of them listening to me talk to them about something they have no clue or can't have an answer back in anyway to help me . You might want to copy and send it via Mail lol !! or wrap it in a box with a big bow on it ..... I so understand how you feel and a lot of us feel that way too ...... That is why it feels so good to talk to other parents that have the same issues that you have going on ....... Well good luck and we all know and you know it is not bad parenting so just keep trying to educate them on her condition ...... Best of luck need anything I am always here also ........ send me a message or any other mom on here ....... We all can relate to this one ............ Bless you ......

KeagansMom3
by Member on May. 24, 2009 at 10:07 PM

I am right there with you. My husbands family is the same way.  Only in our situation they refuse to believe it because my nephew whom was born on the same day as my son with asperger's (38 min. apart), has a form of muscular dystrophy.  My nephew has been the favorite grandchild.  So years ago when we mentioned that we thought something was going on with Keagan, their immediate response was that we were just trying to get our son some attention! UGGHH! So we decided that we just would not tell them anything and go forth on our own. So after years of trying to pinpoint my son's problems he was diagnosed with Asperger's last September (at age 5). We decided to tell my in laws about this diagnosis since we finally had an answer. We THOUGHT that would make a difference in the way they saw things. WRONG. We ended up in a huge agrument because I was upset that they don't believe the dx and they say there is nothing wrong with him (even though they have seen things with thier own eyes). My MIL was mad at me because she said I had no right to be upset, and that she was titled to her own opinion. WHATEVER. I just give up. We tell them nothing about his medical problems. They have no clue that he has also been dx with spd, ocd, odd, anxiety issues, and depression. The thing that tops it all off is that they live next door to us!!!

Good luck!

banging head into wallfrustrated

momdicca
by Member on May. 25, 2009 at 8:59 AM

With me believe it or not it is Dylan's dad and step mom that dont want to believe that he has Aspergers. They don't want to talk about it and they don't understand why he has to go to summer camp. They think him going to summer camp isn't fair to them and I am just trying to keep him away from them which is not true at all. He does so much better with structure and camp will offer that for him plus camp will work on his socialization skills and his sensory issues.

mamatware
by Bronze Member on May. 25, 2009 at 1:50 PM

Everyone goes through a denial stage with a diagnosis.  Some never get out of it!!!  For example, my mom, Robby has a diagnosis of cerebral palsy, mild mental retardation, and autistic tendencies.  No reason WHY has ever been found, they have done every test and everything is normal.....and because their is no reason, their must be no disabilty!!!  It is assumed that all of Robby's diagnosis are actually symptoms of an unnamed possibly undiscovered genetic issue (since their is no other cause).  But since the doc's can't find it yet, it's not there, therefore, according to my mom, he will just outgrow all of this, or suddenly one day wake up NT....or something like that.  I have learned to just tune it out when people start that.....or say.....people who know me know what is coming next-shit happens!!!  And in this case they don't know why or how or even what kind of turds have been thrown at us, but we are covered in them!!!! 

acissejessica
by on May. 25, 2009 at 10:03 PM

well i hate to say it cause it sounds mean, but I am relieved Im not the only one going thru this. The thing: "I'm entitled to my opinion" pisses me off because its Not an oppinion if its based on false facts, and a diagnosis by not A doctor but multiple specialists is not an oppinion. So noone can say they're entitled to their oppinion in that case.  Also, the summer camp thing, I think that summer camp is a necessity just for the fact that it helps keep a structure thru the summer, and eases the transition back into school when there is a 2 month break that changes all the routines. My biggest problem lately is that everyone is trying to "help me" DISCIPLINE my daughter. But these "helping hands" are making things so much worse for me. Times when I can calm her down easily by doing something as simple as holding her hand when shes struggling thru a transition, my husbands family is stepping in and trying to show me how I SHOULD be doing it, creating 30 minute tantrums where she is exhausted and red at the end of it! It is just awful putting her thru this. I don't know how to get them to understand I'M not the one who is doing it wrong. They are acting like I am mistreating her and they are stepping in to help her! Its only proving to make her hyperventilate choking on her tears till she falls asleep! They think they are helping! I just need to get them to understand even if they wont believe a diagnosis, that this is how I chose to parent and I dont WANT their help. And GOD FORBID I try to tell THEM how to be parents, so what makes them think they can not only tell me how, but intervene and try to impliment new disciplines for her! UGH as I type I get more angry with the whole thing. Sorry. thanks for listening... or reading

I'm Slow


ASDPDDmommy
by on May. 25, 2009 at 10:16 PM

Until you have walked with someone who has Autism. You don't understand it at all. I know a lot of people stare, and are rude. But I just look at it like they are the ones that lack manners,love compassion, and anything that is good or decent.

acissejessica
by on May. 25, 2009 at 10:29 PM

My daughter had 4 MAJOR meltdowns today (I think because it is monday and things didnt go as usual) and that is MUCH more than usual. When I lived away from the family I was down to 1 MILD meltdown a week! I was at a parade and got the look: hand over the mouth gasp, wide eyes from so many people, and people would even say who cries at a parade?! But this wierd thing happened, those SAME people who were doing that watched me (I guess because theyre nosey) and saw her calm down and started being nice and cutesy with her. Every time the floats would come by with candy they would either point it out to her and tell her to run and get it or get it and hand it to her. (She enjoyed recieving the gifts though she wont eat any of it because she doesnt like the texture of candy! but she LATER in the day enjoyed gifting the candy to kids at a moon bounce, she really lights up when she pleases others) Anyway, The first meltdown gave me hope in people because of how I was so concerned with them all staring, then they were all so helpful and pleasant instead of rude and judgements, but the rest of the day did not follow that example because it was spent with my husbands family. They would not accept my response to her mild meltdowns causing them to turn into major meltdowns. It was crazy! I knew today would be rough because it was not a usual monday, but it was extraspecially rough... more so than expected.

Quoting ASDPDDmommy:

Until you have walked with someone who has Autism. You don't understand it at all. I know a lot of people stare, and are rude. But I just look at it like they are the ones that lack manners,love compassion, and anything that is good or decent.


I'm Slow


Beth100
by Bronze Member on May. 26, 2009 at 3:21 PM

sadIt is unfortuneatly not uncommon for our extended families to be in denial.  Furthernore, they do not want to be involved with the child, because they cannot process the hard truth.  I think that most parents have experienced this.  I'm the Gramma of a wonderful autistic boy.....and I love him dearly and fully accept him.  But I'm about the only one, outside of his parents who does.  So it's very common........too hard to accept, I guess.  That why YOU were chosen to be the parents!  I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through, but try not to look to them for support.  They obviously are not ready to give it.  Maybe someday.......but until then, just give them good news....none of the trials, and try to forgive them.  They may come around someday, but until then it is pain fear and ignorance that they suffer from.  I'm not trying to sound mean about it, it's just the truth.  I wish you luck, and enjoy that child yourselves.  Document and take pictures of all the positive things that happen.  Your husbands family will be interested in hearing about those things.  Good luck!  Beth100

acissejessica
by on May. 26, 2009 at 3:56 PM

Thanks, I don't know whats wrong with me (hormonal I guess) but your reply brings tears to my eyes. Thank you for your kind encouraging words. I really do believe we were chosen to be her parents, even from the moment I found out that I was pregnant! Thank you again

Quoting Beth100:

sadIt is unfortuneatly not uncommon for our extended families to be in denial.  Furthernore, they do not want to be involved with the child, because they cannot process the hard truth.  I think that most parents have experienced this.  I'm the Gramma of a wonderful autistic boy.....and I love him dearly and fully accept him.  But I'm about the only one, outside of his parents who does.  So it's very common........too hard to accept, I guess.  That why YOU were chosen to be the parents!  I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through, but try not to look to them for support.  They obviously are not ready to give it.  Maybe someday.......but until then, just give them good news....none of the trials, and try to forgive them.  They may come around someday, but until then it is pain fear and ignorance that they suffer from.  I'm not trying to sound mean about it, it's just the truth.  I wish you luck, and enjoy that child yourselves.  Document and take pictures of all the positive things that happen.  Your husbands family will be interested in hearing about those things.  Good luck!  Beth100


MamaGlitterBug
by Group Admin on May. 26, 2009 at 5:20 PM

Stand up to them.

Tell them to accept it or get over it. Doesn't matter where we live, if they can't accept my kids & my son's special needs then they can "F" off. I guess I've gotten to the point where I dont care anymore what ppl think, feel, ect. I KNOW MY SON. You dont need their support, or their unsupport. You have a whole family within the autism community.




I'm Jess...wife to Jared...Mama of 3 +1 (sd)=4 children. Amanda (sd) 9, Amethyst  6, Isaac 4 & Elijah almost 2.  Isaac has special needs: autism and epilepsy. I support Nursing In Public and am anti-vaccines. Check out my page on myspace!  http://myspace.com/glitterbug03

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