Facebook Question

[katyvenne]

Hi.  I'm new to this group.  My name is Katy- I have three kids.  Maddie is ten, Millie and Theo are five- so I've got my hands pretty full.  But I do have a question because I'm not sure what to do.  Any help would be much appreciated!

There is a member of my family that I haven't spoken to in about six years.  She has said some really awful things in the past about my husband and me.  So I was more than a little shocked to get a friend request from her on facebook.  I'm not sure what to do.  Is there any etiquette for this?  I've gotten apologies from her, but I don't know if I believe her or not. 

A little help, please?

[MrsManners]

Well this one is tricky because there is some uncertainty about whether the family member is being sincere or not.  If she has apologized and you still don't feel as though it was enough to repair the damage then you have every right to just ignore her friend request. 

I know that some people in this situation will accept the invitation but choose to limit their settings in regards to the individual, meaning you may not share your wall posts with her or you may choose to block seeing hers.  With all of the new privacy setting options you can actually friend someone while keeping them at arms length.

As long as you don't think that she will be destructive in any way, there probably isn't any harm in friending her.  If she steps out of line, then you just delete her as a friend and that puts an end to it. 

I don't know the extent of the hurt she has caused your family, but I will say that while it is a hard thing to do, sometimes putting your self out there again and opening up can lead to healing and that is a good thing.  I don't know that etiquette is what you need, I think you need to follow your heart instead on this one.

[katyvenne]

Oh this is just a messy situation.  The family member told our entire family that I got pregnant with my twins to "trap" my husband so that he wouldn't leave me.  Ugh.  Once my twins were born she told many of my family members that if I'd had an abortion no one in our family would "have to deal with deaf kids."  Ugh.  Ugh.

Basically it boils down to this---I HATE confrontation.  I am fairly certain that if I don't allow her to be my "friend"  or give her total access she will be pissed.  So how do you go about telling people that you don't want them as a fb friend?  Or that you blocked some of the access? Usually this person drags other members into our fights-  I'm NOT interested in some weird confrontation.

I'm really tired.  I hope this all made sense.

[MrsManners]

OK if you are not interested in confrontation and you know this person will make a stink then just add her.  If you see ANY signs of misconduct, comments etc, then delete her and it will obvious to all family members as to why you made the choice.  I guess the old analogy of give someone enough rope applies here. 

I have to say that this person sounds just awful and while I am big on forgiveness, any person who would attack children is unworthy of respect. 

If you decide to block her or say no to her request, simply send her a message that states, Dear Blank, while I appreciate your willingness to reach out to me, I am not comfortable at this time accepting your invitation and would prefer to leave things as they were.  Maybe when some more time passes I will be ready, but as of yet my wounds from your past comments are still too fresh. 

Honesty is always the best policy!