Table Manners

[sillymamak]

I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old and I'm struggling a bit with table manners.  I just need to work a little harder with them but I do feel like a broken record at times.  My question today is about finishing up a meal.  Sometimes my 4 year old finishes really fast and wants to be excused.  Then my 2 year old wants to leave the table too because he wants to hang out with his older brother and doesn't finish his dinner.  What's the manner rule on waiting for others to finish before you excuse yourself?  My son is asking to be excused and taking his plate into the kitchen.  Should I have him stay at the table until everybody is finished? 

[MrsManners]

I guess the quick answer is that your 4 year old should wait until the 2 year old is finished.  That way, you get the two of them to both finish their meals and the 4 year old can even help the 2 year old bring dishes to the kitchen as well.  Then they may run off and play.  In the long run the goal is to keep the children at the table until everyone is finished eating, however at these ages that can be a battle not worth fighting.  You still want to try and keep manners realistic.  You are doing a GREAT job!  Way to go!

[DidiLorillard]

This is a good age to teach a four year old not to eat so fast.  You can slow down the meal for him by engaging him in conversation.  Even if you get him reading the words on the milk carton or ketchup bottle.  Teach him to pace his meal.  Show him that meals are a special time when he can share stories from his busy day and ask you questions.  By teaching him to savour his food and take longer to eat you will be helping stave off future digestive problems and controlling his weight.  We live in a rush, rush world, from the time he awakes he has to rush to get dressed, rush to eat breakfast, rush to brush his teeth, rush to find his other sneaker, rush to pre-school.  His mornings set the pace for the day.  Help him to feel not as rushed and he will become more engaged in conversation at meals.  Perhaps waking him earlier so that he doesn't have to rush so much will help slow him down.  Then you can concentrate on having meals that are drawn out with stories from your past, when you were a little girl, that have to do with things that happened during his big day.  Teaching him to be a conversationalist is teaching good manners so you would be getting two jobs done at once.  Remember that having conversation about science and math will fascinate him.  Why does the cereal go from dry and crisp to soft.  Why do blueberries turn the cereal milk blue?  Do counting with Cheerios.  Teach him how to tell time.  Once interesting conversation becomes part of the meal he won't want to leave the table.

[MrsManners]

What fabulous ideas - thank you for sharing and you are so right about slowing life down, we all need to try that even adults without children or adults with older children.  No TV or games or phones during meals, we have forgotten how to just simply enjoy one another!

[DidiLorillard]

On my Web site NewportManners.com, I answer lots of questions from parents and grandparents wanting to know how to improve their children's manners.  My answer is always the same:  As parents and grandparents we are role manners for behavior.  If we set the standard and discuss these manners, then our manners will rub off on the younger generation(s).  

For instance, when a child asks, "Why can't I put my elbows on the table?"  You help them use their imagination to think about what the table would look like at a family dinner if everybody rested their elbows on the table at once.  What would happen?  Would there be enough room for all the elbows?  If not, how would you decide whose turn it was to put her elbows on the table?  Then how would you determine how long that person could be her elbows on the table? Would somebody knock over their milk or water glass by mistake?  Very likely.  Same with chewing with your mouth closed.  Talking while chewing.  There is lots of fodder for fun as we make manners interesting and explain why they exist.

[sillymamak]

Thank you both for your input.  We are a work in progress.  Much more work needed but my intention is to teach my boys proper manners so I'm not giving up.  We do pretty good with table conversation at breakfast and lunch which seem to be the 2 meals with which we all spend longer at the table.  I think by the time dinner comes, I'm personally exhausted and am not on my game.  I like the idea of asking them questions in regards to manners and having them think about it instead of just telling them what or what not to do.  Making it fun is always a good idea.  Thanks again and I really do appreciate the advice. 

[DidiLorillard]

I used to call that period just before supper and supper the arsenic hour.  By that time in the day children are over stimulated and exhausted.  They're winding down and you've got hours to go and still lots to do.  Once they are in school, you can have them do their homework or do their reading during that time.  Until then, the best you can do is to try to get them to play with their toys quietly.  Another alternatively is to bathe them, that settles them down for the night.  Although it is difficult to bathe them while you're cooking dinner unless you've got a casserole in the oven baking while you're supervising the bathing.  And then, of course, if you bathe them before supper, you'll still have to clean them up after they've eaten.  It isn't easy.

[MrsManners]

An easy game to do before dinner is the Wiggle and Giggle game, you let them wiggle and giggle and then you say May I have Your Attention Please.  It burns some energy - when you say the magic words they should stop look and listen.  You can do this while you are cooking, it will help them to be calmer at dinner and then you can enter what I call the No Wiggle Zone at the table.  Setting up and forming habits surrounding that time of day will help immensely.  You can also play Mom says Please.  This is just like simon says, but they must listen for the words please before they do the action, like spinning in a circle once etc.  This will be harder for your two year old but would work for the four year old.  It also helps them to learn to pay attention for the word please.  There are a ton of fun games to do at the dinner table with them that are manners related, basic things like keeping the napkin in their laps.  Who can keep it there the longest without it falling to the floor.  When they aren't eating, they should have their hands in their lap to help hold it in place.  Hope these help and just let us know, you have two professionals at your disposal! 

[sillymamak]

Quoting MrsManners:

  Hope these help and just let us know, you have two professionals at your disposal! 

This is awesome!  Now if you two could just magically appear around dinner time for a few nights to shape us all up.  I appreciate your fun ideas.  Thank you very much!