Lost it today :/

[Becky119]

My 6 year I never have much of problems with him at home. But he comes home everyday not doing great at school. He can never meet his goal and I just have to continue punishing him. It's jus stressful and I just don't know what to d anymore. I'm not there at school with him so ow can I help him. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you

[DDDaysh]

Stop punishing and start rewarding.  

Honestly, you're too far removed from school for "punnishment" to have an impact, unless it's a really serious offense like hurting another kid.  

So, create a reward chart.  He gets a sticker if he has a good day and after, say, 5 stickers he gets a reward.  (This can be a toy or something, but can also be a game night or family movie.)  Bad day = No Sticker but Good Day = Sticker

When you can't react to the situation imediately, then having a negative consequence for his action isn't really going to get connected to the action.  However, there's a little bit longer time extension on working toward a goal - hence the rewards.  

All in all though, don't freak yourself out.  Home should support school, it's true, but in the the school has to somehow manage your child's behavior while he's with them since you are very limitted in what you can do.  

[BLMoretti]

What kind of goals is he not meeting? Is it behavior or academic and does the teacher know the difference? He is 6 so what can it be? I would not punish either, the school does that, and you are just adding more stress. He needs someone on his side. If he is talking out of turn and not on task, maybe some support for that like sitting in the front of the class away from the more rowdy kids. If he is hitting or fighting I think you would have mentioned that. If it is academic maybe he needs some tutoring or to be held back a grade as his maturity catches up. When his day is hard for him be on his side. Tell him you know it is hard for him and pull him in your lap. When he is calm and feels loved, ask what he thinks and then just listen. This can be hard and painful for you but his feelings are never wrong. And... being heard can make all the difference in how he sees the world and his anger at being in trouble all the time. B

[Verrine]

Listen to these wise women! With ADHD boys especially, the things that seem so simple for non-ADHD girls who are 6 are really difficult. I don't know what problems your son is having, but frequently when our children get to the school system, it is hard work for them to sit quietly & pay attention for hours at a time. Then they get home & mom is so disappointed that they're in trouble again. Positive feedback works better for everyone. We all respond better to praise & recognition of the effort we've put in.

Our job as parents of kids who are starting out in school is to be on their side & to encourage a life-long love of learning. If they get turned off of school early, then, again especially for ADHD boys, it opens up all sorts of problems in later education. He has to learn how to deal with the challenges of school & you have to learn how to help him with that. He needs to know what success feels like.

Our issues were always behavior, not academic. Something we did was make up a monthly chart with boxes for Mon-Fri. My son would come home & color in whether he was green, yellow, or red at school. That gave him ownership of his behavior. (You could also use colored office supply sticker dots if his motor skills aren't great.) You post it where he can see it. Decide along with him ahead of time what is a reachable goal for him. Again, you want buy-in, because in the end, he has to come up with ways to live in the regular world. Ideally, you want a kid who is green all the time, but realistically I think our first goal was 3 green days & NO red days a week & he would get a reward. The rewards were small things from the dollar store. We put them in a clear container near the chart. It was great that over time, as he got used to understanding what school expected from him & matured that the monthly charts got more green. 

I don't know how you feel about medication, but that was the thing that made a huge difference for us. He was not medicated in K. That year there were notes from the teacher & calls from the principal. He was diagnosed at the end of K & medicated from the beginning of 1st grade. His behavior improved radically as he had more impulse control. He is still emotionally immature, but it isn't a daily issue. Medication is not a cure-all, but it can be a very helpful tool. 

Good luck. Things WILL improve.

[tludwig]

We used the reward chart with my son for school behavior all the way thru 2nd grade.  Making things into earning his T.V. / computer time instead of taking it away seemed to work well for his personalitly (same outcome just presented in a more positive way).

[Becky119]

Thanx for all the advice. No its not academic at all. He actually is in enrichment classes and dreading at a second grade level. That's my problem it's not hitting or fighting. He just can't stop moving and talking. When we had him tested the doctor even said a lot of the stuff he does he can't control even though he wants to. We started the sticker chart last week. They put him in a new program called check in and check out instead of just getting colors. He gets a 1,2,or 3 for every part of the day. They say it helps him remember his goal. His goal is to sit still and listen to the teacher. But maybe your right less punishment and more encouraging will work. We never thought about medication. I always felt that it might help him but at the same time I didn't want him to lose him you know. But maybe it's something I have to look more into. I feel better about it all I think I just had one of those days and me being 5 1/2 months pregnant doesn't help :) thanx again

[kaylaboobear]

Okay - if his problem is movement, let's figure out a way to help him move without disrupting the class.  

My DS had "squishy foam" balls that he constantly had in one hand.  He also had the ability to chew gum in class so that his mouth was moving (but had to be closed).  Add to that, his 3rd grade teacher had a weird seat that he tried.  It was a round seat with a ball in the middle.  Worked kinda lie a yoga ball but in his desk so that he had to constantly move his butt in order to stay still.  Also, if he can't sit still, look at a 504 accomodation which would allow him to roam in certain areas of the classroom without punishment as long as he is doing okay with his studies.  He might be better in the back at a counter where he can "jiggle" a little but where others aren't distracted.

Good Luck!

[Becky119]

Thanx they started the chair and the ball just this week. So hopefully it will help a little and I will definitely look into that 504. :)