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Doesnt live in reality!!

Posted by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 9:42 PM
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Does anyone deal with this? I know ADHD kids are impulsive, and dont think about consequences. I have preached consequences so much that my SD really does. She tells me all the time she does, and she can tell you what the pumishment will be, but the problem is after she thinks about it, she always tells herself she wont get caught, this time, i asked her if she thinks about how often she gets away with stuff and she says never, but i always think its gonna work "this time" OMG this is maddening to me!!!!! She is basing her behavior on unrealistic expectatarions!!!! She does have eternal hope i will give her that. When she has homework, she guesses at the answers and hopes to get a 100. She has a chore to do, she wont do it, and hopes i dont notice, she has clothes to put away and she throws them in the closet and hopes i dont see it. She gets her stuff taken away beause of all the afore memtioned behavior, and she just walks in and takes back what she wants and hopes i dont see that she tOok it back!!! How do u deal with this kind of Attitude??!!!! She cant make the right decisions cause shes holdin on to eternal hope whether it makes sense or not!!!!! Shes 9 medicated, currently vyvsase and intuniv, 2 nd change with no results. Shes in theripy, shes journaling, shes talking about her anger. We even put a punching bag in her room for christs sake!!! I have done everything i can do for her. Just wondering if this is an attitude is Adhd related can it be changed. Or will she alwYs live just outside reality???!! Insight please!!!' we need advise!!!
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 9:42 PM
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Replies (1-10):
BLMoretti
by on May. 1, 2012 at 9:13 AM

I read  your posts and all I see in your daughter is a child dealing with past trauma. This is not just ADHD... No her brain does not work like yours or mine.  Her world has never made sense to her and she suffers from magical thinking that is common to children who have come from trauma.  She needs a different kind of parenting to calm her stressed brain, it is always flight, flight or freeze.  She sound so much like my adopted sons, and I wonder if there is some FASD there as well.  I wonder if you are getting attachment therapy?  It took me forever to see my children's behavior was not personal, they were not trying to make me crazy!  They were hurting in very deep places.  There is a book called Parenting the Hurt Child that might explain this to you. 

When a baby is born and even before lots of things are lined up that cause their brains to develop, when the mom is stressed or drinking or worse these things are put aside to deal with the moms stress.  The babies brain loses a step or two or more.  When the baby is born and there is still danger and stress and baby cries and does not have it's needs met even more development does not happen. Later when baby is in a safe place all the synapses are in place for danger not comfort.  Nothing makes sense.  Baby does not attach to the new safe person in a secure way.

This is complex, if what you are doing is not working try a whole different way, she probably cannot even comprehend cause and effect.  It was not learned as a baby.  I cry, mommy comes, later, I make a mess I clean it up.  It doesn't even register in her brain...  I hope you find a way..

B

mswifey
by Member on May. 1, 2012 at 10:09 AM
I have addressed the issue of alcohol/drugs during pregnancy. dad had not yet been depoyed so he was there and is pretty sure it wasnt an issue during pregnacy. Now aa far as during infantcy mother had 4-5 surgeries during first 3 months. At 3 months dad deployes, her and half sister gets jumped around from sitter to sitter, daycare to daycare, running up a bill then skipping, dad comes home on emergency leave, cause daughter wasnt cared for. Takes her to live with his mom, heads back to finish tour. Lived there til she was over a year old. Mommy and daddy back together for a yr and a half then mommy splits for good. I agree she has attachment issues. She sont even let her dad wAlk out of the room without panic setting in. She was acually diagnosed witj adjustment disorder before Adhd. I cant help her anymore. I dont know how to. Can these kids grow up to live normal lives? Im not trying to be mean. I want to help, but we have tryed every kind of help there is. She is seeing a theripist. A physcolgist, shed on meds, im trying to teach her ways to control her anger, but yeah it seems as though she still dont get cause and affect. I mean she does, but she bases her actions on what she wants to happen not what is likwly to happen. Never heard of attachment theripy, but they cant seem to get past it just being adhd.
stuswf
by on May. 1, 2012 at 10:20 AM
1 mom liked this
I agree positive parenting & praise. Maybe when you take something hide it in other places beside the house, but maybe take it away for shorter periods of time. When she does do something correctly give immediate praise. You have her in therapy, that's great!!!
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HyperMom38
by on May. 1, 2012 at 4:03 PM
1 mom liked this

OMG, no wonder she has no cause and effect...  She lives in a fantasy world because that is all she ever had.  Wishes and hopes that her mom and dad would be there for her and maybe the next time I wake up they will be there.  Just imagine it!  Don't give up!!!  For God's sake-  you are maybe her only constant anything right now!  Don't take that away from her.  Repetition- keep showing her cause and effect and make sure that when she does the right thing you praise her to the heavens.  Some one once told me that how we deal with ppl who have special needs is to love them, and when that doesn't work- we love them more.  Give her lots of hugs and kisses.  Hang in there and know that God has a plan for both of you and you are in her life for a reason!

Moeff
by on May. 2, 2012 at 9:09 AM

Your preaching to the choir with me!! 11 year old son, same thinking or lack of. He is ADHD and that definitely has something to do with it. Yeah when you sit down and say if you do this what will happen, they can tell you. But in real daily life its, emotion then reaction, no think through in between, none, never! They can't tell you why they did what they did really because they never took time to think it over in the first place. And as far as home work, he just wants to fill in the blanks, get it done. If its right its right, if its not oh well. I know my son doesn't want to get in trouble, but lacks the tools to think before acting. I'm sorry I don't have a suggestion on how to change it. Still trying to figure that out myself. But I hope it helps your not alone.

Just read some other post explaining her history more. You are dealing with more than ADHD but the post about not thinking and consequences, really rings true to my son and his ADHD. Hang in there, and make sure you get time to refuel yourself by venting and getting support. I know its exhausting, I've tried everything I could find to help my son. At times I just want to cry because I just feel like there isn't anything left to try. But we just have to keep heading them in the right direction, even when we don't feel like we are making headway.

EmilyMarshall
by on May. 2, 2012 at 9:13 AM
bump


mswifey
by Member on May. 2, 2012 at 7:12 PM
To michiganmomof10~ it helps to know someone understands. I have been dealing with this for a long time. I think the hardest part is very few people see her true behavior. She does pretty good because the "fits" she throws at home is embarrassing. She wont act like she normally does. Then i'm "step-mom so i catch all that "mommy" anger. Sometimes even pple closest to me, kinda looks at me funny when i tell of the behaviors i get at home. Its alwYs the same, " she wAs sooooo good for me. Never hAd a minutes trouble out of her. I really like the writing sentences. I thought of something similar, but havent done it yet. Just writing out consequences, if i do this, this is what will happen. I like your idea even better.
michiganmomof10
by on May. 3, 2012 at 3:55 PM


Quoting mswifey:

To michiganmomof10~ it helps to know someone understands. I have been dealing with this for a long time. I think the hardest part is very few people see her true behavior. She does pretty good because the "fits" she throws at home is embarrassing. She wont act like she normally does. Then i'm "step-mom so i catch all that "mommy" anger. Sometimes even pple closest to me, kinda looks at me funny when i tell of the behaviors i get at home. Its alwYs the same, " she wAs sooooo good for me. Never hAd a minutes trouble out of her. I really like the writing sentences. I thought of something similar, but havent done it yet. Just writing out consequences, if i do this, this is what will happen. I like your idea even better
I know  what you mean about them behaving for others, but   it's because of their fear of getting close to someone and then getting hurt  that they feel they HAVE to keep that fight going with you wheras they don't do that to others because no threat of a broken heart with others.  When my adopted daughter started school, she was the adoring child that hugged everyone at achool, but came home and isolated herself. She was getting her  needed "affections" from strangers because their was no threat of them abondoning her since they were meaningless people in her life. The teacher thought we were out of our minds when we told her to lay off the affection, for she saw her as affection starved, but until she couldn't get that at school she wasn't going to seek it at home. Finally pulled her out of school to "force" her to relate with us, still took years though before the walls came down.  Hang in there.
Verrine
by Bronze Member on May. 3, 2012 at 4:24 PM

I haven't dealt with your situation personally, but my childhood was traumatic & I had to resolve those issues to become a mostly normal adult. I also have a stepdaughter. It is possible for someone who has undergone a lot of trauma to grow up into a productive adult. The big difference in study after study is having even one adult who is supportive. Your SD has two. While the earliest years are very important, you do still have a lot of input into her development. Yes you can be and ARE a huge help. You are offering consistency, boundaries and parenting to someone who needs it and benefits from it. You are showing her what normal looks like. Being a stepmom of a very troubled child is a huge and thankless job. It might take years before she acknowledges it & she might never do so, but YOU are the best gift she's ever had. 

lajebo
by on May. 3, 2012 at 4:38 PM

 

Quoting HyperMom38:

OMG, no wonder she has no cause and effect...  She lives in a fantasy world because that is all she ever had.  Wishes and hopes that her mom and dad would be there for her and maybe the next time I wake up they will be there.  Just imagine it!  Don't give up!!!  For God's sake-  you are maybe her only constant anything right now!  Don't take that away from her.  Repetition- keep showing her cause and effect and make sure that when she does the right thing you praise her to the heavens.  Some one once told me that how we deal with ppl who have special needs is to love them, and when that doesn't work- we love them more.  Give her lots of hugs and kisses.  Hang in there and know that God has a plan for both of you and you are in her life for a reason!

 First of all here's  hugs and you rock.  My own son has alot of those some behaviors, but I certainly agree with this person.  Repetition, unconditional love, firm boundaries, don't give up, praise, however you want to mix it up.  Catch her doing good.  Respect who she is as a person.  Just keep trying because you might be the only hope this child has and hopefully you will see a change.  Oh, it won't be a big change.  But as adhd parents we celebrate every little victory, no matter what it is.

Light and love, hope and wisdom.  Don't stop believing.  butterfly

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