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She does it to hurt me, but it only makes her look bad!

Posted by on May. 15, 2012 at 8:13 PM
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I tryed my best to have a good day. It was a mother/daughter banquet for church. I wanted it to be special. I had matching outfits for us, with matching hats and matching purses. I tryed my best. And she tryed her best too. I realized that she showed out "because" i did something nice for her. She wouldnt get dressed, she wouldnt brush her hair, she wouldnt brush her teeth. I can promise u, had i not told her the night before what was going on, and just gotten up and said get dressed, she would have co-operated. needless to say by the time we arrived, that was the last place i wanted to be and the last person i wanted to spend my day with!! If i had not promised her dad pictures, i would have not even went. I guess its best i did go, but even there, she managed to finish off the afternoon, right when i was about to relax and have a good time. One of the ladies ask me about my husbands work. SD pipes up and says, " my daddy stayed home and worked til she came along" the real sad thing was, i was embarrassed, not for myself, but for her. Those ladies know the situation, and know i have spent e erything i have to make her happy, and try to give her a good life. I have never told them the problems she has given me. Only the pasor and pastors wife knows. Well, she let them know exactly where she stands. Its really sad, for her.i dont think there s help for her.
by on May. 15, 2012 at 8:13 PM
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by on May. 15, 2012 at 9:43 PM

I know you're trying, but maybe going to a "mother/daughter" thing was just oo much.  

by on May. 15, 2012 at 9:54 PM
You know i never thought of it that way, and maybe it was too much. She seemed excited to go, and maybe i should have asked her opiniion. The hardest thing i have ever done is try to be a step mom. Lord knows i love her, and wouldnt change it but its been 5 yrs and not alot of joy in parenting. Praying things get better.
by on May. 16, 2012 at 8:29 AM

I'm sad for you. You can't replace her fantasy of "mom." Yet, because you are a good person and she lives with you, you keep trying to be a good parent to her. I agree that the mother-daughter banquet was a bit much. That's the kind of experience she wants to have with her "real" mother. She wants her "real" mother to put in even a tiny bit of the effort that you do & resents you because she knows that fantasy will never happen. 

My SD is 27 and still lives with us. She has not lived with her mother since she was 16. I have advocated for her more than either her mother or father. She is a big help with her ADHD brother and is now doing well in college. It always hurts whenever she brings up how wonderful mom is, even indirectly. Many years ago, she said "I know where my loyalties lie" and she continues to prove it. A few months ago, she said that her parents' divorce is the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to her. (Overall, in that case, she is very fortunate.) 

Are you in one of the stepmother groups? Just like with this ADHD group, it is so wonderful to have a safe place to cry or celebrate.      

by on May. 16, 2012 at 9:13 AM

Mothers day is so hard for my adopted boys... When they were younger they always acted up.  I learned to spend Saturday honoring their birth moms. We talk about birth mom and what they are thinking about her.  I say how grateful I am that their moms had them.  We talk about maybe some day going to Russia to see if the moms are ok. 

Then for mothers day I always stay home and prepare ahead.  I make sure the other kids know how hard moms day is for the adoped kids.  And mostly I make it about my mom and move the focus from me.  I plan meals around their meal schedule and since we have a pool I warm the pool and we eat outside so the have an activity to distract them.

As always look at what the childs behavior is telling you.


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