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Adhd and low self esteem

Posted by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 4:23 PM
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My son has been having a lot of behavioral issues at school. So he is very upset getting a Red at school and at home he doesn't get a sticker and no electronics. But my concern is that lately he has been calling him self a failure and stuff along those lines. I still think he needs consequences but how do I make him feel ok to
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by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 4:23 PM
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mommystar3
by Member on Jan. 23, 2013 at 5:14 PM
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my son says stuff like that too... I think a lot of it comes from how the other kids treat him at school and it breaks my heart...

Last year my son was constantly on yellow and "in trouble" at home but this year in 2nd grade his teacher rarely gives him a yellow ... my son is on the daytrana patch this year though and last year no med - so maybe it's helping but his teacher is also very understanding about his adhd ...

That is one of the reasons I actually decided to try the meds because I didn't want him constantly getting in trouble for behaviors he had a hard time controlling...

I tell my son daily how much I love him and how good he is so his life isnt full of negativity but he still has these thoughts ... I find myself being lax with the discipline too because of this ....

I don't know what to do either...

Becky119
by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 5:32 PM
Thanx it makes me upset because I wanna try meds for him the doctor even gave me some to try but my husband refuses. I just feel like no matter what we do something's he can't control and the meds would help that
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Verrine
by Bronze Member on Jan. 23, 2013 at 8:49 PM

What is he good at? Catch him being good. Give him stickers for that. Maybe some extra easy-to-do jobs around the house. It feels awful when they say things like that. 

At some point, your son's needs and self-esteem outweigh your husband's feelings. 

Becky119
by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 9:48 AM
I try all the time he has behavior issues but he's above average academically. So we always try to tell him great things about that. Yesterday he went to basketball and did great the coach even used him as a explain to show the other kids how to do it. So I kept giving him thumbs up and told him how great he did when he was done. But coming home with reds like just totally destroy him. I was just telling my husband last night that I think we should try the medicine the doctor gave us. I feel like I owe it to him as his mother to try everything for him. My husband is concerned that we are giving him medicine to young that he's gonna be dependent on it forever. That it might hurt him in other ways
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momof3jam
by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 10:08 AM
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 Ouch... I'd like to say don't play into it, maybe he says it on purpose so you'll "lessen the charges", but I can't say I'd do that if I were in your shoes...

Ummm... maybe try some skill building things? Play games that he's good at, etc? Or maybe try skipping the punishment aspect, and do a rewards system instead? We did that with DS and it really worked great. Instead of dreading school and being afraid of misbehaving in class because he'd lose privileges, we offered rewards for GOOD behavior. Not necessarily expensive rewards. DS loves to read, so one of them (worth 10 points) was a trip to the library. 35 points - trip to the movies. 15 points - pack of Pokemon cards. 20 points - his choice for dinner. Stuff like that..... Then keep a chart to track his points.

OR

Put a jar in his room. For every smiley face (or whatever his teacher marks), he gets one coin (or ticket, etc). For every straight face, no coin but no losing a coin. For every sad face, he lost a coin.

Good luck.

 

mommystar3
by Member on Jan. 24, 2013 at 10:34 AM

I actually felt the same way as your hubby and that's why I put the med  off for so long. I watch a lot of that show Intervention because both my sisters have addiction issues. I'm still very scared about it turning to that in his later yrs. but then I decided for us that his chances of it are higher if I don't give him the med now in the hopes that I can make his life as normal as possible and give him the chance to be successful.. Without the med he was falling behind in school because he just couldn't focus to learn or do the work and that was damaging to his self esteem also. Now he can get his work done & the difference is like night and day... amazing!! 

I do still question myself often but that's what I do with every decision I make anyway. I am comfortable with the decision now though because I know without the med things would be way worse for him and I just feel like that puts him more at risk of turning to addiction.

How old is your son? It's great that he's able to do well academically on his own .... so many can't.

Good Luck to you and I hope your hubby opens up to discussing more  options with you ... Hugs !!

mommystar3
by Member on Jan. 24, 2013 at 10:48 AM

I agree 100% we tried the rewards system and it did help... just that often times he was getting bad colors at school for things he couldn't control very well so he would get upset with himelf that he couldn't get the daily stars at home and it was hard to know when to punish anyway... I think it takes a combination of things and the rewards chart is definately a good part of it .

Quoting momof3jam:

 Ouch... I'd like to say don't play into it, maybe he says it on purpose so you'll "lessen the charges", but I can't say I'd do that if I were in your shoes...

Ummm... maybe try some skill building things? Play games that he's good at, etc? Or maybe try skipping the punishment aspect, and do a rewards system instead? We did that with DS and it really worked great. Instead of dreading school and being afraid of misbehaving in class because he'd lose privileges, we offered rewards for GOOD behavior. Not necessarily expensive rewards. DS loves to read, so one of them (worth 10 points) was a trip to the library. 35 points - trip to the movies. 15 points - pack of Pokemon cards. 20 points - his choice for dinner. Stuff like that..... Then keep a chart to track his points.

OR

Put a jar in his room. For every smiley face (or whatever his teacher marks), he gets one coin (or ticket, etc). For every straight face, no coin but no losing a coin. For every sad face, he lost a coin.

Good luck.

 


tludwig
by Member on Jan. 24, 2013 at 10:54 AM

My son was like that in 1st grade - very depressed and down on himself and felt like he never could do anything right.  I know how much it breaks your heart when they say those things.  That is when I finally felt I had to do something else and we started medication.  And yes I was petrified to start him on meds.  It definitly helped all around.  His grades were never a problem but he just needed help to function in the classroom setting and not to let everything little thing  set him off.  He was able to go off meds a couple years later when he had matured and was able to handle things better.  His ADHD symptoms are still an issue but he is better able to function with them now and we constantly are working at it.  It's not perfect now but we deal with it. 

Becky119
by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 11:05 AM
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We do the reward thing and it seemed to help a lot but now it just seems to much for him. That's what I'm hoping for giving him the meds now for him to mature a little bit in a year or two and then seeing how he's doing. His grades are great but he just needs the extra to help him. He has problems like at lunch, walking in the hall, bathroom breaks, circle time. So I think it could help him better regulate his behavior then.


Quoting tludwig:

My son was like that in 1st grade - very depressed and down on himself and felt like he never could do anything right.  I know how much it breaks your heart when they say those things.  That is when I finally felt I had to do something else and we started medication.  And yes I was petrified to start him on meds.  It definitly helped all around.  His grades were never a problem but he just needed help to function in the classroom setting and not to let everything little thing  set him off.  He was able to go off meds a couple years later when he had matured and was able to handle things better.  His ADHD symptoms are still an issue but he is better able to function with them now and we constantly are working at it.  It's not perfect now but we deal with it. 


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momkelly2
by Head Admin Catherine on Jan. 24, 2013 at 11:24 AM

 so many fear meds for that reason...   

I had my kids on meds. for years.   and would give weekend, holiday and summer breaks.  worked for DS  not as well for DD.   but..   she was so extreem.. I would half her dose for the breaks.   and  with weekends and holidays you and he can see that he isn't dependant. on them.   

 I also never allowed that meds was a cure all.  they are not.   one dr explained it to me this way..    the meds slows down their brains to let them lean..   it lets them learn in school but it also lets them learn better behavior at home and socially,  so it also gives the opportunity to teach them the skills they need to cope. ADHD is there it is real won't magicly go away some day

I worked very hard teaching my kids to think..  and not just do...   and to improve their behavior.    I did get them off meds eventually.. and on supplements.    but they also over the years learned to control their behavior with out meds.      but you have to teach it...  it timply doesn't come naturally for them.   and inorder for them to learn, you have to slow their minds down so they can learn what you teach.    and meds will help with that.  

also of note .. I have known kids with out meds who later self medicated and got into worse trouble.   my kids understood what they took and why they took it.   and what their dose was.  and they knew that being ADHD was not an excuse for bad behavior or not getting work done.   If we need a solution.. lets work on it.  was the idea we taught.   and how we handled everything from homework to getting chores done to why don't I fit in...   idea.   

  they are 27 and 24 now.. off meds and supplements...  and they never have experimented with drugs..    they do drink.. but socially as adults not as teenagers.   or out of control.

 

Quoting Becky119:

I try all the time he has behavior issues but he's above average academically. So we always try to tell him great things about that. Yesterday he went to basketball and did great the coach even used him as a explain to show the other kids how to do it. So I kept giving him thumbs up and told him how great he did when he was done. But coming home with reds like just totally destroy him. I was just telling my husband last night that I think we should try the medicine the doctor gave us. I feel like I owe it to him as his mother to try everything for him. My husband is concerned that we are giving him medicine to young that he's gonna be dependent on it forever. That it might hurt him in other ways

 

 

  Catherine 
There is no MD after my name..  
 I am just a mom with years of experience raising ADHD kids.... LOL

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