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Adhd and low self esteem

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My son has been having a lot of behavioral issues at school. So he is very upset getting a Red at school and at home he doesn't get a sticker and no electronics. But my concern is that lately he has been calling him self a failure and stuff along those lines. I still think he needs consequences but how do I make him feel ok to
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by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 4:23 PM
Replies (11-18):
momof3jam
by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 12:32 PM

 Poor guy. What are his common offenses?

Quoting mommystar3:

I agree 100% we tried the rewards system and it did help... just that often times he was getting bad colors at school for things he couldn't control very well so he would get upset with himelf that he couldn't get the daily stars at home and it was hard to know when to punish anyway... I think it takes a combination of things and the rewards chart is definately a good part of it .

Quoting momof3jam:

 Ouch... I'd like to say don't play into it, maybe he says it on purpose so you'll "lessen the charges", but I can't say I'd do that if I were in your shoes...

Ummm... maybe try some skill building things? Play games that he's good at, etc? Or maybe try skipping the punishment aspect, and do a rewards system instead? We did that with DS and it really worked great. Instead of dreading school and being afraid of misbehaving in class because he'd lose privileges, we offered rewards for GOOD behavior. Not necessarily expensive rewards. DS loves to read, so one of them (worth 10 points) was a trip to the library. 35 points - trip to the movies. 15 points - pack of Pokemon cards. 20 points - his choice for dinner. Stuff like that..... Then keep a chart to track his points.

OR

Put a jar in his room. For every smiley face (or whatever his teacher marks), he gets one coin (or ticket, etc). For every straight face, no coin but no losing a coin. For every sad face, he lost a coin.

Good luck.

 


 

mommystar3
by Member on Jan. 24, 2013 at 1:12 PM


well he had issues with impulsive talking when he wasn't supposed to was a big one others were taking to long in the bathroom , walking in the hallway , spinning in circles on the carpet during storytime, only sometimes was it actually something mean like he kicked another boy once...

Quoting momof3jam:

 Poor guy. What are his common offenses?

Quoting mommystar3:

I agree 100% we tried the rewards system and it did help... just that often times he was getting bad colors at school for things he couldn't control very well so he would get upset with himelf that he couldn't get the daily stars at home and it was hard to know when to punish anyway... I think it takes a combination of things and the rewards chart is definately a good part of it .

Quoting momof3jam:

 Ouch... I'd like to say don't play into it, maybe he says it on purpose so you'll "lessen the charges", but I can't say I'd do that if I were in your shoes...

Ummm... maybe try some skill building things? Play games that he's good at, etc? Or maybe try skipping the punishment aspect, and do a rewards system instead? We did that with DS and it really worked great. Instead of dreading school and being afraid of misbehaving in class because he'd lose privileges, we offered rewards for GOOD behavior. Not necessarily expensive rewards. DS loves to read, so one of them (worth 10 points) was a trip to the library. 35 points - trip to the movies. 15 points - pack of Pokemon cards. 20 points - his choice for dinner. Stuff like that..... Then keep a chart to track his points.

OR

Put a jar in his room. For every smiley face (or whatever his teacher marks), he gets one coin (or ticket, etc). For every straight face, no coin but no losing a coin. For every sad face, he lost a coin.

Good luck.

 


 


jaclynd
by Member on Jan. 24, 2013 at 1:17 PM
1 mom liked this

 That's how my doctor explained it to me as well. Meds are just ONE tool in your arsenal when working with ADHD and it's main purpose is to help them focus so they CAN learn how to control and improve their behavior.

I do worry though because I had a LOT of self esteem issues when I was young and struggling with ADD and I dont' want that for my son. It's so hard. Every time I yell or lecture him I worry that I"m chipping away his self worth instead of teaching him to do better.  I've spent a lot of time working with his therpist and trying different reward and punishment techniques.  Nothing seems to work for very long, he gets bored with it, or decides the reward isn't worth it, or just plain can't control himself yet.  I don't know what the best way is but I pray every day that I'm doing more harm than good. 

Dont' give up and take every opportunity you can to focus on the good and his acomplishments!

 

Quoting momkelly2:

 so many fear meds for that reason...   

I had my kids on meds. for years.   and would give weekend, holiday and summer breaks.  worked for DS  not as well for DD.   but..   she was so extreem.. I would half her dose for the breaks.   and  with weekends and holidays you and he can see that he isn't dependant. on them.   

 I also never allowed that meds was a cure all.  they are not.   one dr explained it to me this way..    the meds slows down their brains to let them lean..   it lets them learn in school but it also lets them learn better behavior at home and socially,  so it also gives the opportunity to teach them the skills they need to cope. ADHD is there it is real won't magicly go away some day

I worked very hard teaching my kids to think..  and not just do...   and to improve their behavior.    I did get them off meds eventually.. and on supplements.    but they also over the years learned to control their behavior with out meds.      but you have to teach it...  it timply doesn't come naturally for them.   and inorder for them to learn, you have to slow their minds down so they can learn what you teach.    and meds will help with that.  

also of note .. I have known kids with out meds who later self medicated and got into worse trouble.   my kids understood what they took and why they took it.   and what their dose was.  and they knew that being ADHD was not an excuse for bad behavior or not getting work done.   If we need a solution.. lets work on it.  was the idea we taught.   and how we handled everything from homework to getting chores done to why don't I fit in...   idea.   

  they are 27 and 24 now.. off meds and supplements...  and they never have experimented with drugs..    they do drink.. but socially as adults not as teenagers.   or out of control.

 

Quoting Becky119:

I try all the time he has behavior issues but he's above average academically. So we always try to tell him great things about that. Yesterday he went to basketball and did great the coach even used him as a explain to show the other kids how to do it. So I kept giving him thumbs up and told him how great he did when he was done. But coming home with reds like just totally destroy him. I was just telling my husband last night that I think we should try the medicine the doctor gave us. I feel like I owe it to him as his mother to try everything for him. My husband is concerned that we are giving him medicine to young that he's gonna be dependent on it forever. That it might hurt him in other ways

 

 

 

 

momof3jam
by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 1:23 PM
1 mom liked this

 The teacher suggested a relaxation ball (the ones you squeeze) and it worked GREAT! Anytime he had pent up energy, he could focus on squeezing the ball...

Just a suggestion  :)

Quoting mommystar3:


well he had issues with impulsive talking when he wasn't supposed to was a big one others were taking to long in the bathroom , walking in the hallway , spinning in circles on the carpet during storytime, only sometimes was it actually something mean like he kicked another boy once...

Quoting momof3jam:

 Poor guy. What are his common offenses?

Quoting mommystar3:

I agree 100% we tried the rewards system and it did help... just that often times he was getting bad colors at school for things he couldn't control very well so he would get upset with himelf that he couldn't get the daily stars at home and it was hard to know when to punish anyway... I think it takes a combination of things and the rewards chart is definately a good part of it .

Quoting momof3jam:

 Ouch... I'd like to say don't play into it, maybe he says it on purpose so you'll "lessen the charges", but I can't say I'd do that if I were in your shoes...

Ummm... maybe try some skill building things? Play games that he's good at, etc? Or maybe try skipping the punishment aspect, and do a rewards system instead? We did that with DS and it really worked great. Instead of dreading school and being afraid of misbehaving in class because he'd lose privileges, we offered rewards for GOOD behavior. Not necessarily expensive rewards. DS loves to read, so one of them (worth 10 points) was a trip to the library. 35 points - trip to the movies. 15 points - pack of Pokemon cards. 20 points - his choice for dinner. Stuff like that..... Then keep a chart to track his points.

OR

Put a jar in his room. For every smiley face (or whatever his teacher marks), he gets one coin (or ticket, etc). For every straight face, no coin but no losing a coin. For every sad face, he lost a coin.

Good luck.

 


 


 

mommystar3
by Member on Jan. 24, 2013 at 2:39 PM

Same thing with my son and I feel the exact same way !!!

Quoting jaclynd:

 That's how my doctor explained it to me as well. Meds are just ONE tool in your arsenal when working with ADHD and it's main purpose is to help them focus so they CAN learn how to control and improve their behavior.

I do worry though because I had a LOT of self esteem issues when I was young and struggling with ADD and I dont' want that for my son. It's so hard. Every time I yell or lecture him I worry that I"m chipping away his self worth instead of teaching him to do better.  I've spent a lot of time working with his therpist and trying different reward and punishment techniques.  Nothing seems to work for very long, he gets bored with it, or decides the reward isn't worth it, or just plain can't control himself yet.  I don't know what the best way is but I pray every day that I'm doing more harm than good. 

Dont' give up and take every opportunity you can to focus on the good and his acomplishments!


Quoting momkelly2:

 so many fear meds for that reason...   

I had my kids on meds. for years.   and would give weekend, holiday and summer breaks.  worked for DS  not as well for DD.   but..   she was so extreem.. I would half her dose for the breaks.   and  with weekends and holidays you and he can see that he isn't dependant. on them.   

 I also never allowed that meds was a cure all.  they are not.   one dr explained it to me this way..    the meds slows down their brains to let them lean..   it lets them learn in school but it also lets them learn better behavior at home and socially,  so it also gives the opportunity to teach them the skills they need to cope. ADHD is there it is real won't magicly go away some day

I worked very hard teaching my kids to think..  and not just do...   and to improve their behavior.    I did get them off meds eventually.. and on supplements.    but they also over the years learned to control their behavior with out meds.      but you have to teach it...  it timply doesn't come naturally for them.   and inorder for them to learn, you have to slow their minds down so they can learn what you teach.    and meds will help with that.  

also of note .. I have known kids with out meds who later self medicated and got into worse trouble.   my kids understood what they took and why they took it.   and what their dose was.  and they knew that being ADHD was not an excuse for bad behavior or not getting work done.   If we need a solution.. lets work on it.  was the idea we taught.   and how we handled everything from homework to getting chores done to why don't I fit in...   idea.   

  they are 27 and 24 now.. off meds and supplements...  and they never have experimented with drugs..    they do drink.. but socially as adults not as teenagers.   or out of control.


Quoting Becky119:

I try all the time he has behavior issues but he's above average academically. So we always try to tell him great things about that. Yesterday he went to basketball and did great the coach even used him as a explain to show the other kids how to do it. So I kept giving him thumbs up and told him how great he did when he was done. But coming home with reds like just totally destroy him. I was just telling my husband last night that I think we should try the medicine the doctor gave us. I feel like I owe it to him as his mother to try everything for him. My husband is concerned that we are giving him medicine to young that he's gonna be dependent on it forever. That it might hurt him in other ways






mommystar3
by Member on Jan. 24, 2013 at 2:41 PM

I actullay had read about that and I suggested it to the teacher and we tried that in 1st before medication but then he just played with the ball instead of listening to the teacher...

Quoting momof3jam:

 The teacher suggested a relaxation ball (the ones you squeeze) and it worked GREAT! Anytime he had pent up energy, he could focus on squeezing the ball...

Just a suggestion  :)

Quoting mommystar3:


well he had issues with impulsive talking when he wasn't supposed to was a big one others were taking to long in the bathroom , walking in the hallway , spinning in circles on the carpet during storytime, only sometimes was it actually something mean like he kicked another boy once...

Quoting momof3jam:

 Poor guy. What are his common offenses?

Quoting mommystar3:

I agree 100% we tried the rewards system and it did help... just that often times he was getting bad colors at school for things he couldn't control very well so he would get upset with himelf that he couldn't get the daily stars at home and it was hard to know when to punish anyway... I think it takes a combination of things and the rewards chart is definately a good part of it .

Quoting momof3jam:

 Ouch... I'd like to say don't play into it, maybe he says it on purpose so you'll "lessen the charges", but I can't say I'd do that if I were in your shoes...

Ummm... maybe try some skill building things? Play games that he's good at, etc? Or maybe try skipping the punishment aspect, and do a rewards system instead? We did that with DS and it really worked great. Instead of dreading school and being afraid of misbehaving in class because he'd lose privileges, we offered rewards for GOOD behavior. Not necessarily expensive rewards. DS loves to read, so one of them (worth 10 points) was a trip to the library. 35 points - trip to the movies. 15 points - pack of Pokemon cards. 20 points - his choice for dinner. Stuff like that..... Then keep a chart to track his points.

OR

Put a jar in his room. For every smiley face (or whatever his teacher marks), he gets one coin (or ticket, etc). For every straight face, no coin but no losing a coin. For every sad face, he lost a coin.

Good luck.

 


 


 


lazyd
by Bronze Member on Jan. 24, 2013 at 4:43 PM

my 10yo son has low self esteem.  Always has.  He'll say bad things about himself all the time.  It breaks my heart.  When he is in one of his rages, he even threatens to kill himself.  I am all for meds.   

momkelly2
by Head Admin Catherine on Jan. 25, 2013 at 4:53 PM

 Not going to lie...  it is often a moving target...   LOL Just when I thought I had it solved..   maybe not so much...  lol  

  but keep at it..  work with them...  and as they get old enough to help find the solution..  ask for their imput.     what ideas would you like to try..   at first they may say they don't  know... but with time and effort they will have ideas they want to try.   figure out what works what doesn't..    tweak what works some but isn't quite right.   

Involving them in the process  does two things.   it give them ownership and pride in what they are trying.   when something fails...  no big deal..  "good news we know that doesn't work"     but  it does even a little ..  "now we ahve something to build on"  tweak and  work with.....   

the other benefit of this process is, it will also help them figure out how to  solve problems in their lives when you aren't right there. 


Quoting mommystar3:

Same thing with my son and I feel the exact same way !!!

Quoting jaclynd:

 That's how my doctor explained it to me as well. Meds are just ONE tool in your arsenal when working with ADHD and it's main purpose is to help them focus so they CAN learn how to control and improve their behavior.

I do worry though because I had a LOT of self esteem issues when I was young and struggling with ADD and I dont' want that for my son. It's so hard. Every time I yell or lecture him I worry that I"m chipping away his self worth instead of teaching him to do better.  I've spent a lot of time working with his therpist and trying different reward and punishment techniques.  Nothing seems to work for very long, he gets bored with it, or decides the reward isn't worth it, or just plain can't control himself yet.  I don't know what the best way is but I pray every day that I'm doing more harm than good. 

Dont' give up and take every opportunity you can to focus on the good and his acomplishments!

 

Quoting momkelly2:

 so many fear meds for that reason...   

I had my kids on meds. for years.   and would give weekend, holiday and summer breaks.  worked for DS  not as well for DD.   but..   she was so extreem.. I would half her dose for the breaks.   and  with weekends and holidays you and he can see that he isn't dependant. on them.   

 I also never allowed that meds was a cure all.  they are not.   one dr explained it to me this way..    the meds slows down their brains to let them lean..   it lets them learn in school but it also lets them learn better behavior at home and socially,  so it also gives the opportunity to teach them the skills they need to cope. ADHD is there it is real won't magicly go away some day

I worked very hard teaching my kids to think..  and not just do...   and to improve their behavior.    I did get them off meds eventually.. and on supplements.    but they also over the years learned to control their behavior with out meds.      but you have to teach it...  it timply doesn't come naturally for them.   and inorder for them to learn, you have to slow their minds down so they can learn what you teach.    and meds will help with that.  

also of note .. I have known kids with out meds who later self medicated and got into worse trouble.   my kids understood what they took and why they took it.   and what their dose was.  and they knew that being ADHD was not an excuse for bad behavior or not getting work done.   If we need a solution.. lets work on it.  was the idea we taught.   and how we handled everything from homework to getting chores done to why don't I fit in...   idea.   

  they are 27 and 24 now.. off meds and supplements...  and they never have experimented with drugs..    they do drink.. but socially as adults not as teenagers.   or out of control.

 

Quoting Becky119:

I try all the time he has behavior issues but he's above average academically. So we always try to tell him great things about that. Yesterday he went to basketball and did great the coach even used him as a explain to show the other kids how to do it. So I kept giving him thumbs up and told him how great he did when he was done. But coming home with reds like just totally destroy him. I was just telling my husband last night that I think we should try the medicine the doctor gave us. I feel like I owe it to him as his mother to try everything for him. My husband is concerned that we are giving him medicine to young that he's gonna be dependent on it forever. That it might hurt him in other ways

 

 

 

 



 

  Catherine 
There is no MD after my name..  
 I am just a mom with years of experience raising ADHD kids.... LOL

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