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echos of a baby

Posted by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 2:56 AM
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I posted about my friends baby coming so early...her baby died today.I had felt something all day, her child was on my mind and i know some people will scoff but I KNEW.I am hertbroken for her and I have to say it shakes my faith.I WANT to say"it was God's will, there was a purpous, she's an angel etc" but I do not get it.And I also know i am too small to fathom God's plan...but it seems so empty and hollow-like an echo that no one else ever hears.I have offered my shoulders and ears to her, and my phone number, and there is nothing else I can do.I feel guilty about my babys excellent docs appt, i do not even want to post about it as I feel like i am bragging in a time of her grief.I just do not know what to feel but sad.I have never met her, just online but we have been preg together and shared laughter and tears everyday-so it feels too close to home.What do you do with arms that ache to hold  a baby that will never be held?How do you breathe?How do you wrap your brain around the raw rage and hurt that has no place to go-again it just is an echo that no one can hear.It makes all the other posts I see about mommys feeling"fat" or car seats seem so childish and petty and I want to snap out of that.I have a tendancy to be over-empathetic...my mom called it "my gift" but today it feels like a curse.Just for today i will allow the saddness in, I will walk thru it and I will pray.I will take comfort in knowing angels like my mother carried that tiny baby,that would fit in one hand, into Heaven and are right now rocking her to sleep, singing her home, and her struggles are over.I hope something brings her mother peace.I hope something brings us all ...peace.

by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 2:56 AM
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Qivarys
by on Jan. 26, 2009 at 12:26 AM

I'm sorry for your friend's loss. I've suffered 4 miscarriages before I had my son. I understand how you feel guilty for everything going great with you, but you shouldn't. I felt guilty that I got pregnant when my SIL was trying to get her woman pregnant and failing (their donor kept bailing or the sperm didn't take). You didn't cause this to happen, it just did. I'm not the type of person who puts a label on the higher power, i.e., God, but I do believe that there is a higher power with a plan. Who knows, maybe that child would have suffered something horrible if it had lived a longer life and this was "God's" way of making it easier on the child/mother. We won't know, but if you try to put a perspective like that on the situation it may bring a sliver of comfort...not much though. As for the other women out there lucky enough not to suffer a loss like that, who sit around complaining about being fat....Ugh!! I have so many not so nice words for them! It's so bad that I haven't even been reading the new posts in the Due in March group. It's so petty and trivial. It must be nice to live in a bubble where nothing goes wrong in your life so you have time to bitch about your superficial problems! BLEH!

Bearsjen
by on Jan. 26, 2009 at 2:54 PM

I too have those days where small stuff seems so big and I am grateful to 'get it out" it just seemed wrong those first couple of days.I do believe there is a greater plan in place, I just sometimes wish I could have a glimpse of it to make is maike sense. 

scarrymama
by Group Owner on Jan. 26, 2009 at 3:47 PM

Hey my sweets, I am so sorry to hear about this. I am very much like you in that I tend to empathize a little too much sometimes and can really get sucked into the grief of all mankind....hence the reason why I do not read the paper or watch the news...I can't handle it. I know we search for answers in a time like this...why and how....I have learned to stop asking the 'why's' and instead concentrate on what I can learn or take from each new trial or experience to make a difference either in my life...or someone else's. We don't always get to know the answer...but that is an anwer in itself. I will keep your friend in my prayers, and you as well my girl. Do not feel guilt for your own good fortune, feel the blessing and revel in it. Big hugs to you, keep that chin up and the HOPE strong. ~smooches~

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