Mantic, frantic, panic, and a smile (Journal Post also)

[MrsCuniculus]

Wo, these past couple of months has been a rollercoaster. I am surprised I still have people on my friends list from all the bitching and self loathing . I thank everyone whom had listened to me venting. it helps just typing it out. I am actually smiling today and happy. truly happy for the first time in a few months now. Not worried about much. My boys are happier. gabriel still adjusting to life without his beloved niece. he saw a blond girl a couple of weeks ago and took off in the store running after her yelling "Allie!" Today he told me his friend "allie" is coming over with a present. So she is now his imaginary friend. Allie's grandmother  called me nd told me they were probibly going to force my sister back into this state. I don't want to be in it anymore. i figured she walked out of my life i just need to accept that is how she will always be. It is sad finally realising you were never important to your own blood sister. i remember growing up following her around wanting to play. She would yell at me or hit me. I would always forgive her. Always have. Now I am starting to understand my parents. they told me i will always love her but that doesn't mean i have to like her. to like her alot and get close to her will only hurt you. It baffles me, I wonder what she is thinking. Oh well.

I am smiling now. A beautiful day in the swamp here. The ground is drying up so I opened the door and windows. this past weekend we made a decent play yard for the boys in the front. Swings,slides, climing rock, basket ball, volleyball set, inflatable trampoline, and ball pit. Now if the grass would go where we extending the yard and covered a pond that would be great. Maybe when i have everything arranged and the final hole filled i will post pictures. I am proud of it.  I definatly got that job and start on the 20th now. It is the overnight shift though. So back to doing graveyard 10:30 p.m. to 7 a.m I think i am destine to work those hours since my last 3 jobs has been those hours. I didn't get the higher pay with no benifits though but PTO and 401K is pretty awesome.They encourage overtime so i will definatly be signing up for that to make up for low income we will be living on for the next few months to a year. DH's chinese horoscope said that if he starts the business this year he will be wll off in 5 years. I can support him for 5 years. I just hope he will smile more like he used to. I miss him being carefree and happy with life. Since the "efficiency consultants" were hired at his office he has gone through drastic and upsetting changes. It is taboo to ask him about his work. anyways, i am babbling.

Thanks for being my friends