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Problem with SD

Posted by on Aug. 28, 2009 at 3:15 PM
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Needing a little advice, my 12 year old SD has really jumped into her teen years a bit early, dealing with her has been a nightmare lately, she only visits on weekends (along with SS age 6)...however something has transpired at BM's house because they have not visited in 3 weeks, SD claims she hates me and her father (she wanted to spend the night at a house where there were going to be teenage girls/boys and NO parental supervision, so we of course said no, and that was when she started refusing to come for visits).  BM has forever tried to make these kids hate me, so I think she saw her opportunity with this ordeal, what I need to know is: Do you make the kids come over and demand it because of the court order...or do you not force them against their will (even tho I really think SS would still like to come for visits but is being influenced by BM and SD)....???? I am so confused, do we let the kids make the decisions or do we force them to come over and have miserable weekends?

by on Aug. 28, 2009 at 3:15 PM
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Replies (1-6):
NadiaReeves
by Member on Aug. 28, 2009 at 3:47 PM

Since it's court ordered u need to let BM awear that she is in comtempt of the order it is her responsibility to drop the kids off or talk to them .There is no way no how I would allow my daughter or SD do to a party without adult supervision that is just asking for trouble and god knows what else.DRUGS SEX these days kids think popping pills is harmless entertainment .If i didn't know better BM probably allows SD to do that kind of stuff so there fore SD thinks it's not worth the trip to your house.


Mami_62108
by New Member on Aug. 28, 2009 at 3:54 PM

You hit the nail on the head, altho we have no proof we are 99% sure that SD is allowed to do a lot of innapropriate things when at BM's house, so of course she doesn't wanna bother coming to our house because we are more strict. We get lied to a lot by both SD and BM so we really have no clue what's actually taking place.

Personally I think it's wrong to let SD make the choice of coming over for visits or not, but then on the other hand I know the visits will be miserable for all involved if we force her to come. And the absolute worst part of it is that as long as SD doesn't come for visits, SS won't come either because he is young and easy to convince and will do anything BM and SD tell him to do, so sad, not to mention we have to wait week to week now to get the "phone call" from SD saying wether or not she will be coming, so it kind of disrupts our life too, I have a 1 year old son who might not have a relationship with his brother and sister now. UGH! Really bad spot we are in.

funnyface1204
by Group Admin on Aug. 28, 2009 at 5:58 PM

I am torn on this one.  At 12, I think you SD should have something of a say in what she wants to do.  I do think that at 6 your SS needs to abide by the court order.  BM needs to bring the kids for their visits.  If SD absolutely refuses to come, maybe you need to try mediation.  Have DH, BM, & SD all sit down with a mediator & work out what they all want to happen.  The mediator will not allow BM to poison the conversation but it will give SD a sense of control over her own destiny. 

I don't believe that kids should be forced to visit if they are truly upset by it.  I have way too many horrible memories of my ex-DH taking my bio kids from me while they were screaming & crying that they didn't want to go.  At the same time, there has to be a way to support the child's relationship with both parents. 

Run the mediation idea by your DH.  It is much cheaper than a lawyer & might help all of you.  Good luck & keep us posted.

laird6372
by Group Owner on Aug. 28, 2009 at 11:33 PM

If the reason she isn't coming over is because she's upset you wouldn't allow her to go to a party, yes, make her come. If it was something else, like she is scared to be there, I think that would be a valid reason for her mother to allow her to stay home. She needs a VALID reason to hold the children (and even then she'd be in contempt, but atleast doing something for the KIDS, and not for her own selfish benifit).

I say, either have DH email or mail BM a letter stating the visitation guidelines, inform her that she is in contempt of court for not complying with visitation, and that you will take further action if she does not comply. Inform her that SD's reasons for not coming over are not valid reasons for withholding the children, as the children are well taken care of while in your custody. Let her know that SD being mad about a decision that she was not able to go to a party is no reason to withhold the children, and that visitation will resume on *insert next custody period* or you will be forced to take legal action.

marinespregnant bellytoddler girltoddler boybaby girl
Proud momma of 3 kids, two of my own and one who didn't grow in my belly but has taken over my heart!  And we are expecting another miracle!

Mami_62108
by New Member on Aug. 29, 2009 at 8:59 AM

Here's the sticky part of this situation...BM is a social worker (just recently graduated), DH offered counseling as an idea a few months ago when these problems started, her response was "I'm a master's level social worker, I don't need someone telling me how to raise my kids". 

So, since she has custody of the kids and DH only has weekly visitations, is he able to force her to seek counseling for SD? I have no idea how that works, but it is extremely necessary.

SD is a typical teenager, we all remember what it was like, but I have to say I agree, she simply doesn't have a valid reason not to come over other than just being a brat and is angry for nto getting her way, everyone has always been very good to her over at our house, it's just a real bad situation. I will talk to DH, fact of the matter is that if he chooses to demand that they come over via court order, SD will simply have to deal with our rules and we as parents will also have to adjust to whatever she throws at us.

laird6372
by Group Owner on Aug. 29, 2009 at 11:11 AM

Your DH can petition the Courts to change the Parenting Time/Custody Order to state that SD will recieve counseling. We are going that route now, for my SD, who needs counseling, and needs testing for Central Auditory Processing Disorder, ADHD, and learning disabilities. BM won't allow any of it, and DH believes it's necessary. We have pediatrician and audiology recommendations for all but the counseling.

I've heard that if a parent deems it necessary to petition the courts for it, they realize that it's something that the parent truly believes is needed by the child, and often they will award it. If your DH sees a need for counseling, and BM refuses, take it before a judge. Just because she has custody does not mean that your DH can't try to get her help ;)

Quoting Mami_62108:

Here's the sticky part of this situation...BM is a social worker (just recently graduated), DH offered counseling as an idea a few months ago when these problems started, her response was "I'm a master's level social worker, I don't need someone telling me how to raise my kids". 

So, since she has custody of the kids and DH only has weekly visitations, is he able to force her to seek counseling for SD? I have no idea how that works, but it is extremely necessary.

SD is a typical teenager, we all remember what it was like, but I have to say I agree, she simply doesn't have a valid reason not to come over other than just being a brat and is angry for nto getting her way, everyone has always been very good to her over at our house, it's just a real bad situation. I will talk to DH, fact of the matter is that if he chooses to demand that they come over via court order, SD will simply have to deal with our rules and we as parents will also have to adjust to whatever she throws at us.

 


marinespregnant bellytoddler girltoddler boybaby girl
Proud momma of 3 kids, two of my own and one who didn't grow in my belly but has taken over my heart!  And we are expecting another miracle!

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