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Humorscope Aug 17

Posted by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 4:22 AM
  • 4 Replies
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyze you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinately while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eyeblink...when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good day to sleep in. A nap would work well today, too. Try to get to bed early. Aside from that, nothing too exciting today.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone's carpet, and start making disgusting "huck, huck!" sounds. The joke's on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today will be especially trying, and if you're not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce "sir" as "sair", you can answer a lot of questions with either "yes air" or "nose hair."
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You've heard that when economists use the word "nice", they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is "like, totally kewl".
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Don't worry about your hair. It's your breath that makes people look at you like that.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say "Ow!". That's when I usually say "No pain, no gain." Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You should learn something from your cat -- no matter what you've done wrong, you can always try to make it look like the dog did it.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you'll never get rid of that irritating wobble.
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 4:22 AM
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Replies (1-4):
daiseymae2
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 7:17 AM

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone's carpet, and start making disgusting "huck, huck!" sounds. The joke's on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy.
4kidz916
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 9:05 AM
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You've heard that when economists use the word "nice", they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is "like, totally kewl"

melaniecerise
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 9:07 AM
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You should learn something from your cat -- no matter what you've done wrong, you can always try to make it look like the dog did it.
i have a cat
DanielleK21
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 9:08 AM

 

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today will be especially trying, and if you're not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear.
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