Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Balance

Posted by on May. 24, 2010 at 4:15 PM
  • 3 Replies
  • 390 Total Views

Peace to you all,

 

My question for today is how do you balance everything.  My husband is a recent convert and he goes to work and then comes home and sits in his room for the rest of the night listening to lectures and or reading books.  However we constantly have conflicts because he says I need to follow him, however I don't have the option to sit in a room and read books all day.  I have a 3 year old and 1 month old baby.  Now I understand islam is a lifestyle not just a belief system but now a days he looks at everything being an issue, going to the store for the fear there may be people not covered up...we live in america and its hot that is bound to happen.  He has a problem with tv and again I have no women to mdoel after so i come here to get advice.  I have not converted but I am trying to learn as much as I can.  My husband is now saying that he is not living for this world but for his greater reward and I understand that but what about his responsibilities as a father and husband.  Am I to just standby while he goes and isloates himself and do my best on my own?  Today he now says he has postpartum depression and that his father never played with him.  What should I do for him in this case, I don't know what it means to be a father......so I guess my question is can you tell me what a typical islamic family does, is his behavior no need of concern how do you balance trying to please God as well as raise your children.  You only speak to your kids about God?  Oh and a side question about sports and recrational things for kids.    Playing sports is this allowed for children/adults?  Swimming?  Going to the beach?  How are these issued handled...if not prohibited what do your children do for fun

 

Thank you  

by on May. 24, 2010 at 4:15 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-3):
-Cassandra-
by on May. 24, 2010 at 6:29 PM

If your husband has post partum depression (it does happen to some fathers) then he should really be seeing the doctor.  It could be part of the reason he's distancing himself.  In our family I'd say I spend a lot more time interacting with the children than my husband but he's certainly involved in daily life.  We eat meals together, he plays with the kids, talks to the kids, sometimes (after a lot of nagging) he reads them bedtime stories or plays board games with them.  However, my husbands father worked in another country than where his family lived so he was largely absent from my husbands life.  I think that it's made it difficult for my husband to really understand how to take a more active role in his kids life.  If your husband had a father who didn't take an active role in his own life then it's quite possible he doesn't know how to be an active father himself.  Treat his depression first and then maybe try to plan certain family events which he agrees to be part of and then help him to take a more active role during those family events.  He shouldn't be off all day working and then come home only to study and read.  Everything should be done in moderation.  Even drinking too much water can kill you so even things that are good for us still need to be done in moderation and that includes learning about religion.  Perhaps agree to a schedule where there is a specified time frame for family togetherness and a specified time frame for studying religion everyday.  Perhaps dinner then an hour of family time (playing games, reading, doing activities or crafts, or even watching something together) and then after that an hour for studying religion.  Better yet help make it a family event.  There are books about Islam for children so as a family you could read them together.  Everyone could learn a little something and it would give an opportunity for discussion as a family too.  Children even when they are young often have questions about what you read to them.  This would also be a good opportunity for your husband to get more credit in religion since he would be part of teaching Islam to his kids.  As far as sports and recreation they are allowed in Islam the only concern would be over wearing something appropriate and behaving in an appropriate manner.  Swimming is fine but you should choose modest swimsuits and if you ever convert you would want to look into Islamic swimsuits (sometimes called burkinis)  They are kind of like a diving suit with a loose short dress over it..  I have one and love it but I'm also very pale so the extra coverage it gives protection against sunburn so that's a major plus for me.  My husband plays volleyball, basketball, and football (soccer) every week with his halaqa group (religion class/discussion) after they finish class.  It wouldn't be appropriate to spend all of ones time playing sports and ignoring other things but playing for health and fun especially if it increases the bonds between a family would be a good thing.  It wouldn't be appropriate to let your girls go into cheerleading when their older and dance classes are considered a no-no by a lot of people as well especially for an adult.  Your husband should still be able to go out and do things even if the other people around him are wearing clothing that's not modest or doing things that are haram.  He should just avert his eyes/lower his gaze and if needed say istagfur'allah.  If he has that much of a problem living in a non-muslim society he will have to move to another country.  However even in muslim countries you see people not dressing modestly and doing haram.  It is everywhere and you are only in controll of yourself so he shouldn't be this concerned over everyone else and should just be focusing on living his life as halaal as he can (focus is on LIVING it). 

proud2bmom3 Group Owner
by on May. 28, 2010 at 5:21 PM

greetings,

a Muslim's life should be one of balance. Ali, may Allah be pleased with him said, " for the after life as if you are dying tomorrow, and do for this life as if you are living forever." the lesson to be learned from this saying is that one should not over do one thing and over look the other.

a Muslim man has a respnsibilty towards his family and his children. and a responsibilty towards his wife. working for the after life, gaining knowledge and performing worship should not be at the expense of ignoring the children or falling short on the responsiblities of being a good father and a good husband,

are you asking about your new born baby? men usually dont' play much with the infants. or even interact with them much.. just because they are not that interactive or interesting to them. I know it sounds bad, but it is the nature of men.. subhana Allah.

postpartum depression? a man who has such faith in Allah should find relief and aid in that faith.  depression is a trap , if you dont' fight it, then you fall deeper into it. ( except for clinical depression where one should seek medical attention)

just because his dad did not have a relation ship with him , should not mean that he repeats the same thing.

with that being sad. we as wives should try and help our husbands with their faith, and with everything that provides them comfort.  ( he too should be attentive to you as well)  so, if he has problem with TV. dont' turn it on when he is there, respect that he does not want to see what is on there, you can record your favorite shows then watch them later while he is not there.  and so you are respecting his wishes, but still doing what you like..

children activities. sports are good, even encouraged, prophet Muhammad peace be  upon him said to teach our children the skills of swimming, archery, and horseback riding.  .. so yes, sports like soccer, or self defense , driving, swimming...etc. all are good.  the beach. I would stay away from places where the children are exposed to seeing people almost naked. 

teaching children about God? that is  both of your jobs. especially your husband since he is Muslim and he is the father. but talking to them about God should be age appropriate. we can start a new post insha' Allah about what to say to your children and at what age...

hope this helps you even if a little bit.. you are in my prayers, hope it works out for you. please keep us posted, and please keep coming back here. we would love to answer any questions you might have a bout Islam. and insha' Allah grow and learn with you in your journey towards embracing it. insha' Allah ( God willing)

 

 

Love and salaam (peace)

 (proud2bmom3 Muslim Moms-- Owner. 

Lilliesmom212
by on May. 30, 2010 at 9:58 AM

Thank you for your post......A lot of it is very helpful I do disagree about the baby however because its only us.....no family or friends around to help us that I do need him to hold the baby for 10 to fifteen minutes so I can shower and do things for myself....However I have managed for the past month so I guess I can do it alone.  I feel like I am a single parent in this house.  Is it true that a man divorces his wife in islam if he no longer sleeps in the same room with her.  The way he is acting I don't want to become muslim but I feel I need to in order to save my marriage but I don't think that will help.  I have been praying for guidance and strength so I know that I will be lead into the right direction for me and my children.  He continues to just be in his room and will come to eat after we have gone to bed.....says we are going to split the bills.....its really frustrating because he is on this me against everyone else.  There is no talking to him.  I asked a simple question yesterday are you going to work and got no answer.  This is no marriage when I have to brace myself to see if my husband is talking to me today.  It's been about a month now with no change so I think I need to do what's best for me and my children.  I keep saying it will get better but how much time do I allot....months years of this....my spirit couldn't take it. 

I thank you all for writing and giving advice and I will continue to ask questions.  

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)