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New Rule: The Republican Leadership in America Must Produce Their Birth Certificates

Posted by on May. 26, 2010 at 12:39 PM
  • 32 Replies

New Rule: The Republican Leadership in America Must Produce Their Birth Certificates

New Rule: The Republican leadership in America must produce their birth certificates! Not because I doubt they're Americans, I just want to make sure they're not eight-years-old. I mention this because a major talking point on Fox News and hate radio these days is that, after a year and a half of Obama, it's time to bring the "adults" back into power, so they can rein in our deficit, defeat terrorism, and focus on America's real enemy: cleaning ladies in Arizona. But I must protest the premise, because conservatives are the ones who tend to believe in magical ideas, like: America is never wrong; you can defeat terrorism militarily; and lower taxes will somehow fix the deficit. And I'm not even mentioning the stuff about how Jesus used to fly around on a pterodactyl and just hated it when homos ate wedding cake.

Now, am I saying there are no adults in today's Republican Party? Absolutely not, there are -- but like a lot of parents today, the adults let their kids cow them. And silence them. And rule over them. Rush Limbaugh is a child, a primal scream of a man, but he gets his way because he's the fat bully on the playground; and Glenn Beck is the weepy kid who's always crying because he's insane and you don't know what he's going to do and who he's going to take with him.

For example: to solve our debt crisis, a bunch of Republican senators suggested a bipartisan debt commission, which is the adult thing to do. But when Obama agreed to it, immediately seven of them said no -- now they're against it. Because Obama has cooties. Democrats have cooties, so you can't vote with them, or work with them, and compromise is treason. Compare this to England, where they just had an election two weeks ago and, power changed hands -- but the party that lost is working WITH the part that won -- they are not accusing them of being Bolshevik Zulus out to destroy the Magna Carta. Because the English are grown ups, including their conservatives who enjoy a wonderful luxury that conservatives on this side of the pond do not. They're allowed to be sane. They don't have to pander to creationists and anti-intellectuals. Only in this dumb country do liberals and conservatives argue over things like "evolution" and "climate change" and whether "sick people should be left to die in the street."

The conservative who won in England, David Cameron, was asked if he's religious, and he said, "I don't feel I have a direct line." That's right, he distanced himself from God. If Obama did that we wouldn't see him again until neighbors called the cops about the smell. Conservatives in England don't care about the 3 Gs -- God, guns and gays -- that tilt so many elections in America. And they don't get their policy ideas from TV shows, like 24. You never hear a Brit say, "I'm for torture because it worked on The Avengers."

The Washington Post said David Cameron won by running as a sort of "anti-Sarah Palin." Let those words settle in: "anti-Sarah Palin." They feel so good coming out of my mouth it's like I bit into a refreshing burst of civilization.

Finally, one hallmark of not being adult is a tendency to exaggerate. Like this week when Newt Gingrich said "the Obama administration represents as great a threat to America as Nazi Germany or the Soviet Union once did." Which is basically saying Obama is a billion times worse than any president ever! No, he's infinity times worse!

And it made me think: were we this deranged when Bush was in office? I don't think so -- and Bush merited it: We once did a sketch on this show where we sold George Bush fuck-up collector plates, which included: starting and mismanaging the Iraq War, not catching Bin Laden, Katrina, Abu Ghraib, transforming a budgetary surplus into a giant debt, not doing anything about global warming, sitting on his ass on 9/11, outing Valerie Plame, firing federal prosecutors for political reasons, nominating Harriet Miers, Terri Schiavo, trying to sell the ports to the Arabs...I mean, giant, tangible horrific fuckups that Obama could never equal.

Although with the way he's solving this oil spill, he's off to a good start.


by on May. 26, 2010 at 12:39 PM
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Replies (1-10):
LauraKW
by "Dude!" on May. 26, 2010 at 12:46 PM

Oh, so tasty!  I like his line of thought.

ashka88
by on May. 26, 2010 at 12:52 PM

Spot on! Love the article thanks!

norwegianwood
by Platinum Member on May. 26, 2010 at 12:54 PM

 To my knowledge all of the presidents prior have...I am not aware that Os bc was an issue while he was in the senate..so it's a ridiculous argument.

P

SxyMartini
by on May. 26, 2010 at 1:11 PM

Yes Obama is the only president who didn't provide a BC. 

LauraKW
by "Dude!" on May. 26, 2010 at 1:14 PM


Quoting SxyMartini:

Yes Obama is the only president who didn't provide a BC. 

Shhh, we aren't supposed to tell anyone except our friends and families about how we duped the country.

SxyMartini
by on May. 26, 2010 at 1:16 PM

no wonder Obama is against the "papers please" law ...he can't produce his...

norwegianwood
by Platinum Member on May. 26, 2010 at 1:20 PM

 And YES..you WERE that deranged when Bush was in office: talk of gulags by senators; suggesting marines are guilty BEFORE they are tried and the evidence clears them all, by a US congressman; claims that Bush was to blame for Katrina; claims that he LIED about 9/11 and was even COMPLICIT in the bombing of his own countrymen over OIL; comparisons to HITLER ad nauseum; claims that Bush had 'destroyed' the Constitution with his 'executive' orders; claims that the Patriot Act was 'Bush's' when in fact the Congress passed it along with Dems; claims that Bush was 'spending us into oblivion' by the people who today think Obama's spending is 'okay' ....who won't even acknowledge that Obama was in the senate and a part of the 'spending' under Bush; Connecticut continuously saying it would secede from the union over the war....yeah..you were THAT deranged and more.

P

DangerDarling
by Fabulous on May. 26, 2010 at 1:22 PM

This is really funny. Thanks!

LauraKW
by "Dude!" on May. 26, 2010 at 1:23 PM


Quoting norwegianwood:

 And YES..you WERE that deranged when Bush was in office: talk of gulags by senators; suggesting marines are guilty BEFORE they are tried and the evidence clears them all, by a US congressman; claims that Bush was to blame for Katrina; claims that he LIED about 9/11 and was even COMPLICIT in the bombing of his own countrymen over OIL; comparisons to HITLER ad nauseum; claims that Bush had 'destroyed' the Constitution with his 'executive' orders; claims that the Patriot Act was 'Bush's' when in fact the Congress passed it along with Dems; claims that Bush was 'spending us into oblivion' by the people who today think Obama's spending is 'okay' ....who won't even acknowledge that Obama was in the senate and a part of the 'spending' under Bush; Connecticut continuously saying it would secede from the union over the war....yeah..you were THAT deranged and more.

P

Sorry to say, my conscious is clear on all your points.

norwegianwood
by Platinum Member on May. 26, 2010 at 1:25 PM

 Don't you have to HAVE one in order for it to be clear?

P

Quoting LauraKW:

 

Quoting norwegianwood:

 And YES..you WERE that deranged when Bush was in office: talk of gulags by senators; suggesting marines are guilty BEFORE they are tried and the evidence clears them all, by a US congressman; claims that Bush was to blame for Katrina; claims that he LIED about 9/11 and was even COMPLICIT in the bombing of his own countrymen over OIL; comparisons to HITLER ad nauseum; claims that Bush had 'destroyed' the Constitution with his 'executive' orders; claims that the Patriot Act was 'Bush's' when in fact the Congress passed it along with Dems; claims that Bush was 'spending us into oblivion' by the people who today think Obama's spending is 'okay' ....who won't even acknowledge that Obama was in the senate and a part of the 'spending' under Bush; Connecticut continuously saying it would secede from the union over the war....yeah..you were THAT deranged and more.

P

Sorry to say, my conscious is clear on all your points.

 

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