Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Kids who grow up seeing their mothers punched, slapped and kicked can easily end up in the role of an abuse victim or a batterer.

Posted by on Jul. 25, 2010 at 9:12 AM
  • 13 Replies

While she didn’t file police reports, Davis did keep a record of the abuse she endured. She wrote poems, journal entries and stories about the troubled relationships. The spiral-bound notebooks and legal pads now fill a bulging briefcase.

“That’s pretty much how I survived,” she said.

Eventually, Davis would like to have a collection of her writings on domestic violence published. She doesn’t have a computer at home and hasn’t been able to convert her work into digital form.

Davis said she wants to share the details of her troubled past with other victims of violence. She hopes the women will identify with her pain and find the courage to leave their abusive partners.

 “Keep looking in the mirror at yourself and say, ‘I love me,’” she encourages others. “Keep telling yourself, ‘I deserve better than this!’”

http://www.gastongazette.com/news/survivor-49329-domestic-abuse.html

by on Jul. 25, 2010 at 9:12 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
norwegianwood
by Platinum Member on Jul. 25, 2010 at 6:54 PM

 That's great that she's trying to turn the negatives in her life into positives in the lives of others! Made this song come to my mind. I LOVE the message in it!

DVD
by on Jul. 25, 2010 at 8:17 PM

why dont these women just go to a shelter or the cops? I never understood why ppl put up with this shit.

MamaScorpio88
by on Jul. 25, 2010 at 8:25 PM

 

Quoting DVD:

why dont these women just go to a shelter or the cops? I never understood why ppl put up with this shit.

 There is a lot more to it than just putting up with it. Often times, the man has emotionally and psychologically isolated her, and she feels she has no where to go. Not to mention the fear of him finding her.

ThatTXMom
by Platinum Member on Jul. 25, 2010 at 8:30 PM

And some women have too much pride to ask for help.  I know I did.  That was a long effing time ago. So thankful for the husband I have now. 

norwegianwood
by Platinum Member on Jul. 25, 2010 at 8:36 PM

 There's an old study that was done.

A dozen people are told to put ALL their troubles in a brown paper bag...their whole identity and all the issues written down and placed inside.

They place the bags in the middle of the room. On the count of three, they can pick any bag they like and just 'take over that life' and bag of 'issues'. They ALL choose their own. There is a sense of security or stability in the 'monster you know' versus the unknown. Yes..this might be bad...but what is out there? Can I make it on my own? How will I make it on my own? What if I leave and he's right on the brink of recovery from his drug/alcohol problem...then I lose. What if alone is WORSE than the occassional act of abuse? And they often times do not love themselves. They waiver between not respecting anyone who DOES claim to love them and making that person PROVE they love them. Their weight, dress, makeup, hairstyle etc changes often because they are trying desperately to 'change' themselves without realizing that the 'change' the really need or want is internal. They have to decide that it's OKAY and NECESSARY to LOVE THEMSELVES, to FORGIVE themselves..and nobody..not this woman, not an abusive man who just re-iterates their list of supposed shortcomings to them, not their siblings, parents, friends, co-workers or counselors can MAKE them love themselves. They have to realize it is necessary and come to doing it on their own. It's sad but true...

P

Quoting MamaScorpio88:

 

Quoting DVD:

why dont these women just go to a shelter or the cops? I never understood why ppl put up with this shit.

 There is a lot more to it than just putting up with it. Often times, the man has emotionally and psychologically isolated her, and she feels she has no where to go. Not to mention the fear of him finding her.

 

CatRose15
by Cat on Jul. 25, 2010 at 9:51 PM

Because you are convinced no one will believe you - everyone around you sees a nice guy and when you say something they think you are crazy. 

Because if there are no marks, most people don't think it is abuse.

Because you become convinced that you deserve what he is doing to you.

Because you are always believing them when they say sorry and it will never happen again.

Because you know there is a nice guy in there somewhere, everyone else sees it so he must exist.

Because maybe he's right and you are just to sensitive and can't take a joke. 

Because  you deserved it, you knew better then to push his buttons or to start something.

Because who else will want you.  You are not funny or smart or sexy enough and he is a saint to put up with you when no one else would want you.

Because your kids deserve two parents who live together.

Because you can't protect your kids from him if you aren't there. 

Because he will take your kids and you will never see them again.  At least that is what he tells you all the time. 

Because he will make sure that all your friends and neighbors know what a horrible person you are and that everything is all your fault - you are crazy and you lie about him and you keep his kids from him and he doesn't know what he did wrong.

 

It is really hard to walk away from your whole life.  And people are not sympathetic.  Or they are but they don't want to be involved.  Or they believe the abuser and think  you did deserve it or that you are the one who is lying and manipulative.  I deal with people every day who think my ex is a wonderful person and either don't want to be involved or who believe him and think I'm just bitter. 

And everyone expects you to just get over it when you do leave.  They don't want to hear about it or talk about it.  You are supposed to leave and just be over it.  They call you names or tell you you are selfish or something when you try to protect your kids - you aren't being a good parent because you don't want them around him that much.  They don't get that you have to protect them from your ex because he's no less controling or abusive towards them then he was to you. 

Or you get questioned on why you stayed and you have to explain yourself, and after being with someone who questioned everything you did and openly criticized everything you did and said - having someone else do it doesn't make you want to fight back, it makes you defensive or it makes you want to curl up in a corner and hide.  You have been trained to not fight back and to back down whenever someone questions you.  And its not like it happens overnight, it is gradual and invasive - and its not always apparent that it is happening if there isn't hitting involved. 

I left for good almost 3 years ago.  I tried to leave several times before that but got sucked back in.  I was in counseling for almost 2 years after I finally left so I could find myself again.  I am still not over some of what he did and it still affects how I react to people.  I still don't take criticism well because of how well he "trained" me - when I get criticized I either back down instantly or I become very defensive.  I am still terrified every day of what he will do to my child and how his behavior is affecting her.  I regret not leaving sooner, but I didn't and I can't change it. 

Any woman who leaves and stays gone deserves an award for leaving - not negativity for not leaving sooner. 

Quoting DVD:

why dont these women just go to a shelter or the cops? I never understood why ppl put up with this shit.


I am a: vaccinating; pro-choice; organic food eating; full-time working; single mom


toddler girl


 

kerryket
by Bronze Member on Jul. 25, 2010 at 10:03 PM

Domestic violence has no boundaries, It happens in every culture, every economic level.  

I have seen some scary situations in my apartment complex with really young teen relationships and obvious abuse, it has been a real eye opener, especially when they defend their abuser or deny it is happening. 

 

DVD
by on Jul. 25, 2010 at 10:33 PM

Im so sorry that happened to you and your right you dont deserve to be belittled for not leaving sooner. Im sorry if I offended. I almost got sucked into an abusive relationship but got out as soon as I realised it. I guess I never thought about what I would have done if Id had kids at the time.

DH is actually a (now) recovering alcoholic and I was pregnant when he started showing abusive tendencies...I moved in w/ my dad and then DH earned back my trust...he eventually quit drinking but I always kept it in my mind that I would have no problem leaving if he ever showed that part of himself again, lucky he never did after that.

I didnt marry him till he sobered up and its been a few years now and everything is fine. But i still have it deeply ingrained in me that if he touches me even once Im gone, no second thoughts. I guess Im one of the lucky ones.

Quoting CatRose15:

Because you are convinced no one will believe you - everyone around you sees a nice guy and when you say something they think you are crazy. 

Because if there are no marks, most people don't think it is abuse.

Because you become convinced that you deserve what he is doing to you.

Because you are always believing them when they say sorry and it will never happen again.

Because you know there is a nice guy in there somewhere, everyone else sees it so he must exist.

Because maybe he's right and you are just to sensitive and can't take a joke. 

Because  you deserved it, you knew better then to push his buttons or to start something.

Because who else will want you.  You are not funny or smart or sexy enough and he is a saint to put up with you when no one else would want you.

Because your kids deserve two parents who live together.

Because you can't protect your kids from him if you aren't there. 

Because he will take your kids and you will never see them again.  At least that is what he tells you all the time. 

Because he will make sure that all your friends and neighbors know what a horrible person you are and that everything is all your fault - you are crazy and you lie about him and you keep his kids from him and he doesn't know what he did wrong.


It is really hard to walk away from your whole life.  And people are not sympathetic.  Or they are but they don't want to be involved.  Or they believe the abuser and think  you did deserve it or that you are the one who is lying and manipulative.  I deal with people every day who think my ex is a wonderful person and either don't want to be involved or who believe him and think I'm just bitter. 

And everyone expects you to just get over it when you do leave.  They don't want to hear about it or talk about it.  You are supposed to leave and just be over it.  They call you names or tell you you are selfish or something when you try to protect your kids - you aren't being a good parent because you don't want them around him that much.  They don't get that you have to protect them from your ex because he's no less controling or abusive towards them then he was to you. 

Or you get questioned on why you stayed and you have to explain yourself, and after being with someone who questioned everything you did and openly criticized everything you did and said - having someone else do it doesn't make you want to fight back, it makes you defensive or it makes you want to curl up in a corner and hide.  You have been trained to not fight back and to back down whenever someone questions you.  And its not like it happens overnight, it is gradual and invasive - and its not always apparent that it is happening if there isn't hitting involved. 

I left for good almost 3 years ago.  I tried to leave several times before that but got sucked back in.  I was in counseling for almost 2 years after I finally left so I could find myself again.  I am still not over some of what he did and it still affects how I react to people.  I still don't take criticism well because of how well he "trained" me - when I get criticized I either back down instantly or I become very defensive.  I am still terrified every day of what he will do to my child and how his behavior is affecting her.  I regret not leaving sooner, but I didn't and I can't change it. 

Any woman who leaves and stays gone deserves an award for leaving - not negativity for not leaving sooner. 

Quoting DVD:

why dont these women just go to a shelter or the cops? I never understood why ppl put up with this shit.



pandorasbox69
by Member on Jul. 25, 2010 at 10:34 PM

bump for later

iluvmypitty
by Member on Jul. 26, 2010 at 5:49 PM


Quoting DVD:

why dont these women just go to a shelter or the cops? I never understood why ppl put up with this shit.

at one point I believed it was all my fault. I was also afraid for my life. The night he almost killed me was my wake up call. If not for my family and friends I would probably already be dead.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)